I had an argument of sorts with someone recently regarding abuse and the victims of it. Before you knew it I was yelling about stuff that didn't have anything to do with basically what we were "arguing" about. At the end of my tirade someone agreed with me that I may still have some anger issues regarding my parents death. And that it sounded like I was angry with a dead woman.
For years after my parents death I was angry with my father and then angry with God. I got over both of those angers. My father was a sick man and manic depression stole him from us so he had a reason. And God...well I don't believe that God wants bad things to happen to us so I got over that too. (And besides...I wanna go to heaven one day...lol.)
I wasn't ever angry with my mother because I never believed she'd done anything wrong. I mean...my father killed her...she didn't do anything to remove herself from our lives. Right?
Okay...let's put it this way. My father used to KICK MY MOTHER'S AZZ! Straight up. To the point where I used to fantasize about killing him my DAMN SELF! She left a few times but we came right back because she was used to our lifestyle. So she stayed. And she kept getting her azz kicked. No...he never cheated. **** who would take what he was offering? A good life...but beatings whenever his day was fugged up.
Now...was my mother stoopit for staying? YES! Did I love and respect my mother? YES! Is she alive today? NO! Why? BECAUSE SHE MADE THE STOOPIT CHOICE TO STAY WITH MY FATHER INSTEAD OF STRUGGLING!
What do you guys think about her decision? House or life? Hmmmmmmmm. Tough one huh?
God sends you pebbles before he hits you with a brick. The first time he shook her azz she should have rolled out. She made her CHOICE and it ended up fugging up the lives of EVERYONE involved. Shyt.
(I might still have some anger issues huh?)
So...I thought about it and thought about it some more. And yes. I guess I am angry with her. And I guess I've BEEN angry with her for years and never really realized it. Wow.
My mom made the choice of staying with my father over and over again. She didn't want us to end up with issues surrounding kids without their father's around and boy oh boy....did it ever backfire.
Why did she stay? What was the REAL reason? I guess one could look as far as her family lineage to see what she didn't want for us. Unwed pregnant teenagers. Children by multiple fathers, dealing drugs, fuggin up in school. General ghetto drama. What we got instead? Hmmmmm.
Well we watched our father kick our mothers ass on a regular basis and two of my brothers have/had issues with putting their hands on women. My anger at the abuse we suffered at my father's hands manifested itself in my having a sense of overinflated entitlement. I felt the WORLD owed me and I almost ruined my life trying to get what I felt I was due.
My father had issues regarding skin color as he was a green-eyed Creole and we were taught that the lighter a black persons complexion...the better. Odd seeing as though my mother was a beautiful dark skinned woman huh? Well...I had my fair share of "You'd better not ever bring no big nosed black azz man here." He also hated white people. Special huh?
I am mad with my mother and she is not here to know it. She allowed my father to have the power to ruin all of our lives by staying with him instead of struggling. Staying with her children's father was far more important than what was really going on. It was all about appearances. Always.
She ROBBED us of having her in our lives. To see her grandchildren, to shop with me, to hang out with me, to just simply BE THERE WITH/FOR ME.
Man...I'm gonna be fugged up for a minute about this one. I am mad with my mother. My dead mother. And I'm just now realizing it.
Great...Mother's Day is Sunday. Just frickin great. *sigh*