Tapping on my window....

I can't get someone off my brain tonight and it's pulling me down.  Way, way down.

I know someone who was really digging this guy she's been dating and just found out that he got married earlier this month.  She's devastated and I am too...for her.

I started thinking about the differences between she and I, our personalities, our past, our present. 

I have been cheated on once...no...make that twice and both times the relationship was over immediately thereafter.  I can't say that I wasn't devastated because I was.  I can't say it didn't take me a while to get over the pain and I can't say that I wasn't confused about if I wanted to keep them in my life or not because I thought they were the one.  I was in a REAL relationship with both of these guys and I was hurt REAL bad.  Real bad.  *sigh*

I'm listening to this young lady speak and I'm asking questions.  Personal questions.  Why?  Because I'm confused.   I want to know what's wrong that she keeps meeting and getting wrapped up in losers.  Yes, I said it.  Losers.  Because that's what this guy is...a loser. A lying loser at that.  Nothing worse.  A skank.

What makes it possible for skanks to penetrate a seemingly intelligent, FABULOUS woman's defense shield?  How in the WORLD is it possible they are able to even fix it so they can sit at the same table with FABULOUS beautiful women?  Let alone...more.  Humph.

This is what I don't get.  And this is what has me so down.  She deserves so much more and she's been getting her fair share of shit.

So...how do you smell out a skank?  Well...first of all you gotta get your defense shield up and working properly.  That means you have to know your worth straight up.  You are worth more than the ghetto crap I've been hearing about regarding being single and dating.  You are worth nothing but the BEST!

How does one teach that to someone though?  How does someone learn it?  Diva says ya gotta BELIEVE it.  But how do you show someone HOW TO believe it?

I believe I am THE SHIT as you all know.  And nope...you ALSO know that I haven't had a charmed life. 

For the last four years of my father's life...he and I were estranged.  Yup.  No talk.  Maybe two or three times on the phone in five years.

I left my home when I was 17 because my father beat my mother and I within an inch of our lives.  I woke up from where he'd knocked my azz out and police were there taking my mother to the hospital and him to jail.  Well...he got out, of course, in a couple of hours and she stayed in the hospital for a week with a broken jaw bone.  Then we went to my Aunt's and then...she went back home and I refused to.  I took a stand.  He could treat her like shit...but I'll be damned if he treats me that way.  She left me there.  SHE. LEFT. ME. THERE. SHE. WENT. BACK. HOME. TO. HIM. AND MY BROTHERS. 

SHE.

LEFT.

ME.

Remember that.  It tells you a lot about who I am and WHY I am this way.  Loyal to the damn bone and quick to get it right.  BELIEVE  me when I tell you who I am and fear who I can become.  A child in the corner, fighting against everything that has been her existence not caring who gets hit, just to make it right and then...ABANDONED.  Princess one minute, pauper the next. QUEEN before you have had the time to feel sorry for what you think you should be sorry for in my life.

My father always kicked our azz when he was in a manic state but it was never like this and I knew it would only get worse.  And it did.

How did I know something that my mother didn't know?  My mother...a grown azz FABULOUS gracious beautiful woman.  How didn't she know?  What was so wrong with HER shield that he was able to get into her head so deep, so strong and just TAKE OVER FROM THE MOMENT SHE MET HIM UNTIL THE LAST DAY OF HER LIFE?

Most of these women who are putting up with this kinda shit are like pod people.  They have let these low life men get into their brains and are controlling them through desperation and fear.

Shit.  I'm getting all choked up over this.  I want so much to be able to figure out a way to make positive self-esteem and love for oneself a staple in the lives of every woman.  (No...we can't forget about the men...hell...we created them...*sigh* but this ain't about them right now even though women HELP men cheat everyday.) 

I can't figure this out.  The same woman who will tell me she's got it she understands...will always try and "work it out with him one last time."  She knows he's unworthy.  She knows she deserves more. But he's a man...and he has a job, owns a home and drives a nice car.  He's perfect.  He doesn't call her for days after the period of getting in her head, and then starts treating her like crap.  But he's perfect.  He's got it all.  And 6 other ho's on the back burner.  Ha-ha my azz. 

No man is ever truly single until he meets the one that makes him give up the game. Remember that.  And a man will NEVER make a HO a HOUSEWIFE.  Why?  There are plenty of ho's giving it up like it's M&M's so why tie yourself to just one when they ALL melt in your hands?  Remember that.

Destiny's Child has this song that I can't remember right now...hold on let me get my iPod out...

Okay...got it...Now let me Google the lyrics...

Here goes:

I Thought That This Was Something (Yes)
Promising That One Day
It Would Turn Into Something (Yes)
I Thought The Feelings Were Mutual
And I Didn't Have To Guess
Started Being Skeptical
Always Unavailable
Like You Didn't Know
But Now I'm Feeling Something (Yes)
It's Telling Me This May Not Be The Real Something (Yes)
But You Was Showing Me
Now I'm Ready And You Running
Damn You Got Me Open Now
Feeling Like I'm Choking Now
Where Am I To Go?
I Can't
Believe The Way That You Can Feel My Heart
And I Can't
Believe The Way You Make Me Fall So Hard
Stop Playing
How Could You Let It Go This Far?
If You Had Doubts That I Wasn't The One
And You Said
That You're The Type To Take It Slow
And You Said
Before I Step I'll Let You Know
Stop Playing
Before You Let Me See You With Her
You Could Have Told Me A Change Was Going To Come
[Chorus]
Is She The Reason You Don't Call Me Like You Use To?
Fall Through My Hood Like You Use To
Or Put It On Me Hard Like You Use To Do
I Feel In My Mind What's Going On
But My Heart Won't Let Me Go Until I Know
Is She The Reason My Calls Didn't Reach You?
The Deepest Of My Love Couldn't Please You
Or Bring It To Me Home Like You Use To Do
Seeing Her Falling For Your Charm
Got Me Feeling Like I Wasn't Good Enough
NOW THIS IS THE PART THAT I WANT YOU TO FOCUS ON!!!!!

See I Know We Not Official (No)
But Us Being Official Ain't Never Been An Issue (No)
It Came Down To Us
Boy Remember We Were Different
We Said That We'd Talk
If We Ever Had Problems About Anything
I Was Cool With No Commitment (Wait)
Let Me Take That Back
It Was You, So I Was With It (See)
Guess I Didn't Get
When You Showed You Didn't Miss It
Not It Seems That Your Interest Ain't Here
And We Ain't The Same

All You Had To Say Was This Ain't What You Want
I Wouldn't Be So Hurt And I Could Just Move On
You Had Me Believing, Everything Was My Fault
But I Can See Now
It's A Situation That I Must Let Go
Cause You Ain't Going To Me A Man And Let Me Know
I Guess Me Seeing You With Her
Says It All

I was cool with no commitment.  This is where the problem starts.  Intimacy with no commitment.  Intimacy as recreation and not as the VERY important act of giving of yourself that it actually is.  If you keep on giving this away as "recreation"  as "something to do" you will NEVER be able to truly believe and get someone else to BELIEVE that you are worth nothing but the absolute best of everything.  Flat out.  And yes...that's just my opinion.  Listen if you want...call me a prude...whatever. 

Casual, meaningless sex can be traced to being the root of all kinds self esteem and worth issues. Remember that! 

When a man lies to you about something as important as his marital status...he is beneath you.  BENEATH YOU.  Should you tell the wife?  I would.  I would send her as much proof as you had that the relationship existed anonymously and let her deal with her husband.  Hopefully she'll make his azz think twice about cheating again.  And for the record.  If he ain't divorced....he's MARRIED.  SHE is his wife.  YOU are not and can't be until he's DIVORCED. 

Just because you're alone does not mean you have to be lonely.  And you're probably not as alone as you think you are.  Love transcends all "conventional" methods.  Love can travel the world wide web.

I still think the difference between me and a lot of women I know that are in crazy azz relationships is that I'm not afraid of letting my man know that I am stone damn crazy if confronted with some crazy, ghetto shit.  Women today try and pamper a man too much and not get mad for fear of him leaving for her being a witch or a nag.  Humph.  He needs to know you can get down.  Fear or respect?  What about a respectful dose of fear?  Humph.

Listening to all of this and thinking all of this once again makes me so very grateful for the relationship I have with my husband. We have always been honest with our feelings throughout the five years we've been together.  Our feelings of like, of lava (which we named the period between like and love), our feelings of satisfaction, of dissatisfaction, of sadness, of depression, etc....and our feelings of ANGER.

Yes...I cater to my husband.  But I can.  He deserves it.  He EARNED that treatment from me as he has never tried to play games with my head.  Either because he knew he couldn't...or right off the bat he knew I was important to treasure.  I really don't care which it was.  The end result is the same.  I treat him like the KING that he is.  And he treats me in the manner befitting the wife of a king.

I know I'm rambling.  It's just that I want to help.  I want to show by example.  I know what it feels like to have what you need to find the respect you deserve but I don't know how to verbalize it.  *sigh*

Ladies...help me.  Help me say what I want to say.  What NEEDS to be said. Ask me questions that may help me get it out better.  We GOTTA fix this problem in women.  If we don't...many more might end up like my mother.  Dead.  Murdered in the heart of her home...her kitchen...by a man she loved more than her own life.  My daddy. 

Lupron.

Sometimes I HATE my mother and father even when I LOVE them STILL so gotdamn much.  How unfair is that?  No either.  No or.  I love them this second here...but the next second I might not.  And then...right back to loving them. 

Reality smack dab in the face. 

It is what it is.

But I was gonna be DAMNED before I let her existence become my reality.  Fuck that.

Comments

[Black Mamba]

This post title caught my eye...thought it was about something else, but it really drew me in.

Quite the beautiful post with a really strong message. I will be sending it to my sister and hope that she catches on to your message as well.

Take care. ~L@

[Ali]

I'm sharing your post with every single gal pal I know... your words were quite powerful and definitely true. Thank you!

[Monica C.]

That was such a powerful post, girlfriend! Thank you for speaking the truth on these issues; I agree with everything you said wholeheartedly.

My marriage has its own issues, but one issue that we do *not* have at all is infidelity. My husband is a good and faithful man, loyal and loving.

After having been in one 5 year relationship and other, shorter ones, which were wrought with infidelity, I decided, "NO more!" I spent some much-needed ALONE time (a year and a half, no dating no sex) to get to know the ONLY man I truly need - Jesus Christ. Knowing Him and knowing myself empowered me to make the *right* decision in choosing a husband - someone who would honor me and cherish me - and not be a lie and a cheat, as others had been.

To undo the legacy left by our mothers, grandmothers and those before us will take a lot of speaking the truth, as you have done in this post. I pray that my own daughters will have an easier road to travel.

[Renee]

Thank you for this post. It really struck a chord with me because I could relate to a lot of what you said. My childhood was not exactly like you but, in some ways, it was similar. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home with lots of emotional and verbal abuse. I was very close to my father and I felt like my mother resented it and took her anger out on me as a result. On the outside, things looked perfect but it was anything but. On occasion, they beat the holy hell out of each other in front of us. They don't think I remember but I do. I did not want my mother to let dad come back home after one particular incident but she did because he had a job and she didn't want people up in her business so he came back home. I was nine the last time they beat each other down (but the other stuff continued) and I swore that I would never let anyone treat me like that when I grew up. For whatever reason, I knew that I deserved more than that crap in my life. I also swore that I would move away from all of the craziness to lead a 'normal' life. Like you, I knew I had to take a stand.

Fast foward twenty years and despite my upbringing, I have a good sense of who I am and what I'm worth. I still have some issues that I'm dealing with but I don't put up with garbage because I know I deserve better. I believe that if you don't set standards for yourself, you end up accepting whatever is thrown your way and I'm not interested in that. It's part of the reason that I'm estranged from my family now because I will not participate in the foolishness that I grew up watching. That's not to say that it's not a struggle some times but I know what I can live with and what I cannot.

I wish I knew how to instill confidence and self esteem into every woman who was suffering or second guessing herself but it's not easy. I think reading or hearing about what others have gone through helps. Your blog helps! Maybe it's because you've been through hell with your family and you know first hand what can happen. I don't know. I guess at the end of the day, you have to believe that you are precious and special and WORTHY of good things. I really believe that once we (women) adjust our view of ourselves in a more positive direction, others will see it and we can attract good and worthy people into our lives. The losers of the world will feel intimidated which will clear a path for good relationships (romantic or otherwise).

[crlsweetie912]

WOW! For starters, I believe that Oprah got it right when she says we all have an Aha! moment. Once you get tired of being a doormat, then you will fight back and things will never be the same again. After my last relationship fiasco, I realized that I was ALLOWING myself to be connected to my mess of an ex, so who could I be mad at?

He is consistantly in my life because we have a three year old together, but unless JESUS himself walked up on me and said "you gotta take him back!" there is no way in hell I would go back to that life with him.

I have only dated one person since him, and the day that he told me that "nothing was really gonna happen between him and I" I jumped off that train and haven't looked back. I took what he said for exactly what it was and walked away (funny how that negro is blowing up my phone now)

But, when the right person comes along, I will know exactly how I want to be treated and will have no problem expressing it.

[nina]

All I can say is WOW. This soooooooo needs to be shouted from the rooftops of every city.

[ravenivygurl]

WOW, you are so on point/on time with this. I'm still young (20) but I'm growing up and in a relationship and my friends swear I'm this demanding gf cause apparently you have to let your SO be "free" to do what he wants. Yes, I demand respect b/c I'm a human being, not a cockroach to be stomped on. My SO shows me respect and acknowledges my boundaries, especially with respect to cheating. I see it so much around me that's it sickening. There is no respect for relationships. My SO once said to me : "I love to see you happy, it makes me feel great. Now why would I go do something that would devastate you. Imagine how I would feel watching you hurt. It would kill me" God has a mandate for me to be the best Raven I can be and strive for the best man out there that treats me accordingly. I've had esteem issues all my like but I always knew that I was gonna go far and how can I do that if I have an SO that constantly drags me down. Then I can't fulfill my mandate and trust me, God's will will always be carried through. My mother has been cheated on, beaten, lied to, ruined financially, screamed at, and had her spirit broken by 3 different men. But she always picked up her babies and kept it moving cause she said: God doesn't want that for me." I guess I'm my mother's daugther.

[Isha]

Appreciated with much respect!

[Honest]

Thank you for this post. There are some days that I have to remind myself that there's someone out there worth my time and company.

This post here is "TRUTH"! We women need to be a lot stronger.

[cbean]

You always seem to write what I need to hear when I need to hear it. But from someone who had near a near perfect childhood. I continue to suffer from self esteem issues. My own analysis (other think I need professional counseling) is that I was the "do right" of three children. So growing up I developed an approval addict mentality, where everything I did in life was for the approval of someone else. Just as a small example I become engaged because it was the next thing to do. We dated for two years in college, graduated together, he was there for me while I went through OCS, so yeah, the next thing was for us to get married. Hell we had an argument the night he proposed. That should have been a clue. That didn't last but four months. Later I got married to the first guy that said he loved me first. All the way down the aisle I knew I didn't love him, but I was more concerned with the fact that my family had come in from out of town, the food was there, the people were there. I would look like a damn fool and totally crush him if I stopped the fiasco. Needless to say that lasted 10 months. So I said all that to say fabulous women still have underlying issues that they deal with on a daily basis. Now don't get me wrong, a man has NEVER laid his hands on me. Besides my dad is a Puerto Rican ex-marine all of 5'2" with a bad ass Napoleon complex that puts the brakes on any man's thought of hitting me cause my dad has threatened to round up his boys and handle bizness any time his baby girl calls.