Greater Later

"I keep on fallin in love with you Sometimes I love ya Sometimes you make me blue Sometimes I feel good At times I feel used Loving you darling Makes me so confused

I keep on fallin in and out of love with you
I never loved someone way that I loved you" Alicia Keys

Dear you:

I get tired of you doubting me and finding obstacles to hinder me doing what I want to do with my life. I get tired of your being happy and alive one minute and yet sullen and depressed the next. I hate that you are so debilitated sometimes that you can't even move. That you can't get up and shake it off and I hate how easily discouraged you allow yourself to be sometimes.

Why can't you level out? Why can't you get to a place where you feel consistently good and why do you allow other's negative actions to hurt you so bad? Why can't you just be the FABULOUS one all the time?

Monica Mingo, something has got to give as you can't continue living like this.

Love,

Monica Mingo

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For some reason...folks seem to think I have a charmed life and that I have it all under control. NOT.

I'm in a constant battle with myself always. I'm much more sensitive than folks give me credit for and because I truly want to believe in the good of man...I find that I come up short a lot.

When someone does something to me...I hurt bad and it's probably because when I trust someone...I REALLY trust them. I don't say I trust them and then look for every opportunity they may have to "stick it to me." I say I trust them and then...I just trust them. It's the naive, country girl in me I guess.

That said, when my trust is broken, I feel really, really bad. Always. *sigh*

Does that sound like a woman with it all together? No.

I didn't get pregnant again this month even though we're still doing stuff to try to get pregnant. Even though I'm still submitting my body to invasive procedures and injesting crap.

Even though staying here was the best thing for us to do...I REALLY wanted to move to Houston. And yes...even though as Weezy put it, "it'll be greater later" I still got upset thinking about postponing being closer to my Grandmother and other family members.

I miss my mommy and Sunday is Mother's Day. I miss her smile, her eyes, her hands, her hair, the goofy way she'd throw her head back and laugh and laugh and laugh sometimes clapping with joy.

I want to go to the New York Film Academy to learn how to make movies but can't. Why? It's in New York and I live here and there is no way I could live a part from my husband and doggies for a year even though we could afford to do it.

I get tired too. I get tired often.

I don't talk about the baby makin' much anymore because it's just the same old, same old and I'm tired of the same old, same old.

There is pain behind my smiles.

Yeah...I know...focus on my blessings. Sometimes that works but I'll be honest when I say...sometimes it doesn't.

I'm hurting today and have been hurting for a few days now. I'll shake it off I'm sure but whenever I'm deeply hurt...I tend to focus on more of the uglies.

No worries...I'll be "greater later."