I woke up this morning feeling kinda blah. I washed my hair and put it in a ponytail to air dry and got dressed for the gym. I hardly ever go that early in the morning...but I was up and needed to keep busy as my mind was racing.
When I finally looked down at my ensemble I was horrified that I had on lilac sweatpants, an aqua blue tank and a lime green fleece.
I shared this with my FRAMILY (friends who are more like family) and got ribbed because they are evil but then...I was home alone.
I put the fireplace on for Jaru and Lucy and they abandoned me and I needed a project so I started painting all the white parts in the foyer. The door, the closet doors, the baseboards and the bottom part of the wall which I suppose shouldn't be white but I like it white.
That took me a while and as I was doing it I tried to quiet my thoughts but they wouldn't so I had to focus.
I have two embryos that have been frozen in storage. I signed a paper that stated if I died...my husband owns them and can do as he wishes with them but before that happens...I need to decide MYSELF what I want to do with them.
My plan was to transfer them during a natural cycle when my body isn't full of drugs which are the ANTITHESIS of how I treat my body. Hey...I seriously don't do much drugs. Hell...I'm pretty much 90% organic so taking the kinds of drugs I do for as long as I do for IVF seems foreign to me.
But I do it.
So now we have two embryos in storage and I need to make a decision. Do I continue on with the transfer during a natural cycle or do I do another protocol to make more embryos to freeze for use later?
You know what later means don't you? Later means when we've saved the money to hire someone to carry our baby for us.
My plan was to follow the infertility diet and feed my cold uterus the nutrients and heat it needs but when I lay out the plan...I note things I'd never eat. Ice cream. Whole milk. Lots of fatty foods that the simple thought of makes me GAG.
Ice cream every night? To some that might be fabulous...to me?
I have a problem with my weight. I can't imagine a me much bigger than I am today. I focus on eating foods that WON'T make me fat intentionally and yet...
If I died tomorrow...what would he do with our embryos?
Odd question huh? And a question I don't need to know the answer to even as he asked me what I'd want him to do. I couldn't tell him what to do because I'd want him to do what's best for the rest of his life which, I pray, would be a very long time.
Morbid that I'm thinking of dying right? I know...but these are the things you think of when you have frozen embryos. When you're paying to sustain the life of your child...of your children. You wonder what would happen to them if...
I kept busy today even though the paint was stinky. Not new paint smell but a funky smell that Robby says reminds him of a freshly painted dorm room. He has a way with words that man of mine.
According to "The Infertility Cure" I'm dealing with KI YAN - Kidney Yang Deficiency and BL X - Blood Stasis. The only thing that makes me smile about the diet is no soy.I hate soy in any form other than Edamame. No...seriously...I HATE soy.
Oh...and I canNOT consume alcohol.
As I finish off my second glass of wine tonight I wonder...
I kept moving today.
I had no choice.
When The Robinator got home...my fears quieted. I didn't feel as if I needed to have the solution to what I wanted to do. I felt like I had time. Why? Because he gives me hope for all my dreams to come true. That's the kind of man a woman needs in her life. That "wind beneath my wings" kinda man.
I decided to give you guys an update just because. I mean hey...yall have been through this with us from the beginning and I guess it would be selfish to not let you know what's what. Now you know. Now you TOO can weigh in on my dilemmas. Now you TOO can judge me and my broken uterus. Now you TOO can share that it's probably best that I just keep harvesting em so someone else may carry them for us since it seems I can't.
Aw well...at least I'm smart, cute and tall. At least I have a great smile.
All the things I want a child of mine to have.