*Sometimes I need something and I never know exactly what it is. Then...I get something like this and I know it was EXACTLY what I needed:
While on a road trip with my husband Thursday, we began talking about our long journey with infertility & longer held hopes of being parents. My miscarriage almost took me off this planet because of my sadness. Adoption was supposed to be so easy, (wanting a baby with any amount of African American blood decreases wait time significantly), but we've had 2 Mothers decide to parent after we flew out to get the babies. We even named our son.
We were so sure our Christmas card this year would finally be with our child in our arms. So, my husband blurts out "You know how I buy an ornament just for you & I every year? I just haven't been able to do it. I keep thinking 'Come on man she's expecting it. She loves that.' I just can't do it because I had it all planned- it would say all of our names."
Now my husband ain't no softie. Hearing this hurt me to my core. I didn't let any tears well up because I wanted to let him talk. We stopped @ an antique shop I 'd found previously, had some coffee...
Feeling better, we jumped back in the car. He put on his ipod, read the newspaper, & I, at the wheel, starting thinking...
I thought about you and your Dec 7 post about not feeling Christmassy this year & that yes indeed, you again find yourself broken. I thought about how much I love my husband & how much he loves me, but there are few comforting words. I tried to figure out what made me get up out of bed when all I wanted to do was just be out of pain & I realized that it is simply because life goes on, as you said, that I had to get up. It's not like I would lay there & find any joy or be released from pain. The choices are lay there and hurt or get up & hurt but at least have something to maybe smile at for a little while.
I look at your beautiful loving face today holding Princess Nina Gabrielle and smiling. No one would know the hole in your heart. I know Monica. I wanted you to know I've never stopped hoping for you. Praying for you. I still BELIEVE for you. I sometimes imagine the joy, the CELEBRATION when your belly is finally all swollen, & it can bring me to tears. I do not know what will or won't be. There are NO WORDS that change or make it any better. Still, you are a beautiful soul & I'm grateful that you are a part of my journey, wherever it leads.