My husband and I have a pretty good routine. We chit chat in the morning while he gets ready for the office. I have my coffee and breakfast and then I go to the gym. Sometimes it's earlier than most times...sometimes it's not.
I do what I want.
I watch "Regis and Kelly" and then Martha and then I turn the television off and put on some music and get to writing. I take breaks and go shopping or I shop online if I'm in the mood. I play dress up. I play with my cameras. I load the dishwasher...I wash a few loads of clothes. I do what needs to be done.
I talk to my friends. I plan dinner. I hang out with my Godson.
I do what I want.
Because I've had to.
Cuz I've been depressed.
As most of you who read this blog know...I suffer from infertility. My husband and I can't have a baby because of the crap going on with my fibroid growing uterus. We've tried everything and now...I'm finally tired of everything. It was a MAJOR monkey on my back.
See...I have never NOT been able to do anything I've ever wanted to do so yeah...not being able to have a baby was pretty difficult for me for a long, long time. It hurt. Really badly and it made me feel a tad bit inadequate. I have the husband. I have the means. *sigh*
BUT...I never stopped recognizing my blessings. My husband, my nephews, my family, my framily, my friends, my Godson, my SOLITUDE. Which I truly need. I TRULY need my solitude.
So we're back to the plan we've always kinda had. Surrogacy. We actually decided this two years ago but you know...I just had to keep trying until I couldn't try anymore. Until I'd given up thinking that I could carry my own baby.
And finally, FINALLY...I've given up.
I tell myself it's for the best because we all know I'd have problems with gaining excess weight anyway.
I tell myself it's for the best because I probably couldn't eat more than I eat currently.
I tell myself it's for the best because I'm cool wth outsourcing anything I don't find pleasant.
But we all know the truth. We all know I'd give anything to have a baby the natural way but I'm thankful for the option to have a baby with a surrogate one day.
If it's what we want to do.
I love my life and I love my husband. I love the life he provides for us. I love drinking wine, I love having downtime. I love being relaxed by the time he gets home. I love the options before me. I love the leisurely pace by which I get to do whatever I want to do.
And I love to write.
I'm back at dream making folks. BIG.TIME. I just had to get that monkey off my back. The green light has been handed down and I sooooooo wish I could share more with you guys but I can't. Just know it's big and FABULOUS and wonderful and...
CLEARLY WHAT I'M MEANT TO DO.
Thank you for being there for us during the infertility treatments. Seriously. I know how difficult I was at times and I know how difficult it was for you guys to bite your tongue and not let me have it when I was pumped full of drugs and feeling some kinda way. Truth be told I always knew I was wasting money and time but I needed to finally get to that space where I could finally letitgo.
I'm good now.
Sometimes I lie.