ALTERNATE TITLE OF THIS POST COMES FROM AN EVIL, EVIL FRAMILY MEMBER: Fifty Shades of Brown
*sigh* It's a wonder I have issues I'm not working on.
Welp...it's official...I hate broth and jello and will probably hate them both for the rest of my life.
So...the procedures they needed to do to get to the bottom of my health issues were a colonoscopy and an endoscopy. I had both of them this morning. Needless to say I was scared shitless (literally AND figuratively) and now that it's all over...I'm feeling like finding a few of the people who posted online about the procedures and whupping them for causing me seriously undue angst cuz it wasn't as bad as folks had me thinking.
I picked up my butt box (Suprep Bowel Prep Kit), as The Robinator affectionately labeled it (*sigh*), on Tuesday and kept side eyeing the hell out of it every single time I passed it where it was sitting on the dining room table.
SIP: No...seriously...she'd look at the damn box like it was a terrorist she'd been forced to take in and given an oath to not harm in any way.
On Tuesday my paperwork instructed me to not eat seeds or vegetables so I had a normal breakfast sans the whole grain toast, fruit and meat for lunch and basically the same for dinner.
On Wednesday I could only have clear liquids, broth, jello, small portion of a mashed potato sans dairy and a fourth of a serving of fish.
I ended up only having clear liquids, broth and jello. I broke down and had a portion of skinless, boneless sardines cuz I was STARVING and had a hungry headache but you get the picture.
At 7:00pm I had to drink the 16 ounce cup (it was included in the butt box) filled with 6 ounces of the clean-er-out juice added to water. Then...I had to drink two 16 ounce cups of water within an hour of the clear-er-our juice/agua combo.
The clean-er-out juice/agua combo tasted like salty cherry flavored cough syrup. I helped my taste buds out by immediately chewing a piece of sugar free gum after.
I wasn't even halfway through my first cup of water when there was a knock that I had to answer swiftly.
And my bathroom became my haven.
No...seriously. I fell in love all over again with my whisper quiet toilet lid, comfortable seat, aloe and E toilet paper, moisturizing hand soap and lovely hand lotion cuz BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABY! That was like a monsoon of crap.
I just got in the bed defeated cuz I knew I had to drink some more of that stuff next morning.
I had to be to the hospital by 7:45am (we made it there by 8:05am cuz I needed my own bathroom a tad bit longer than I believe they expected) and I had to have completed drinking the butt box contents and water an hour before we were to head out. The Robinator brought me my salty cherry cough syrup at 6:15am and I spent more quality time with my bano.
In the end...the stuff coming out looked like it should have come out the other location down there.
They don't tell you that.
I had a MASSIVE headache from being dehydrated cuz the potion takes out all of your natural moisture.
They don't tell you that either.
When we got to the hospital I had to hit the head 4 times before we started.
They gave me an IV for my drugs, I met the anesthesiologist and the conversation went something like this:
Me: Dude...I want to be out. Like...COMPLETELY. I don't want to feel ANYTHING.
Doctor: Got it.
Me: No...I'm serious...I read online that some people wake up and see what's going on and feel a bit of something...I wants no parts of that. I want to be knocked out COMPLETELY.
Doctor: Um...okay...stop reading stuff on the internet.
Me: Too late. I just don't want to feel anything. I'm not the type to mess around down there. Hell...I can't even use hard toilet paper.
To which he and the nurse attending to me fell out laughing.
SIP: Say bruh...we are SOOOOOOOOOOOO serious. We don't play with booty holes.
So they roll me back...and then start getting the knock-me-out juice in. Now...I won't lie...that part kinda stung. I don't know why...but it did and I remember that pain. It wasn't unbearable...but yeah...you feel it.
And then I woke up and was arguing with some other woman about why I had to be in the recovery room for 30 minutes without Robby.
We went to have breakfast and I had to go about 3 times during the time we were there and it was still lemonadey in color and consistency. I was instructed to drink a lot of water and Gatorade to re-hydrate myself. I shall be having lots of water and green tea. I'll put some cucumber in my water.
I am now posted up on the deck about to deal with a week's worth of emails I've been too worried to tackle. I'm not in any pain whatsoever. Not even the slightest bit of discomfort. I expect the most painful thing in the aftermath is getting this damn tape off my arm where they covered the needle stick from the IV.
They took a biopsy but, from what they can tell, what's wrong with my tummy is pretty treatable. In fact...I'm a pretty happy camper. I'll get the results back from that in about a week but my doctor says all should be fine.
I'm writing this out because a lot of the internet people have been annoying. I have an EXTREMELY low pain tolerance level and they succeeded in scaring the crap outta me. Finding out it was easy-peasy has me ready to break out in a Glee song and dance routine and hopefully my experience will help someone not be as nervous as I was.
Oh...and they did both the colonoscopy and endoscopy at the same time and all is well. Them internet people had me all worried about that too. o_0
Do YOU ever read medical reviews by regular people online?