We're starting to have "the conversation" about Lucy.
She can't do much now at all. We have to carry her up and down the stairs and in and out the house to use the bathroom. She no longer gets walks. She's gaining weight because she gets no exercise.
She sleeps all day and pretty much stays in one spot until she decides she wants water and drags herself over to her water bowl. When it's time to take her to bed...waking her up is a mess. *sigh*
When she sits up, however, she's alert. She seems to understand everything. She barks and growls at noises outside even though she doesn't get up from where she is. Watching her TRY to walk is heartbreaking.
She's on good drugs so we're certain she's not in pain. She gets and gives hugs daily still.
Except for no use of her back legs...she's perfectly fine.
But we have to start thinking about her mental state and what this is doing to her. Her quality of life has certainly diminished even as we are doing all we can to make her comfortable and happy.
I'm not ready to seriously think about things changing but Robby says we have to think about it because we love her.
There's going to be a point where you stop helping her. Either because you won't, or because you can't. With you not there to enable her, she'll be forced to take herself seriously, and make real changes. It would be FAR better for her to hit rock bottom while she is in her 40's than when she is in her 60's. It would also be far better for you to stop helping her because you chose to, not because she has exhausted your resources. She's young enough to be resilient, but she won't always be that way, and while you may be helping her in the immediate term, in the long term, you're actively hurting her. I'm speaking from experience. And from that experience I would highly recommend that you start talking to a counselor, or reading some books to help you establish healthy boundaries with your mom, and to stop funding her behavior. Because you are in your 30's and she in her 40's, I would not be surprised if your mom is mentally ill, and you have been groomed to take an adult role in her life, rather than the appropriate role (as a child.) Do you have 6 months of salary saved in case of job loss? Is your IRA fully funded? If you were physically incapacitated, would you be financially ok until benefits kicked in for you? Do you have property that earns passive income in case you can not work? If the answers to these are "no", then you have to stop this mess with your mom NOW, before you get so entrenched in her life that that there are two people struggling, not just one. Because what happens when something happens to you, and your mom's been the hole in the bucket, unnecessarily leaking out your resources? (From experience - you are in a dicey situation. Not your mom: YOU.)
When we checked in, a woman was trying to get the resident prices when her address on her driver's license didn't support her claim.
It's pretty cut and dried.
She was mad because it was almost double what she thought she'd pay.
But she paid.
She was then told that she had to be IN the pool with the 5 year old she had with her and that she couldn't wear street clothes on the pool deck. She had 3 kids with her.
She's currently on the pool deck with her feet in the hot tub. Her pants are pulled up so she doesn't get them wet.
The 5 year old is in the 5 ft. pool area with the other two kids and she's flipping through a magazine clear on the other side of the pool.
Here is my question to you...do you think it's important to follow the rules when you're with your kids? You know...if the rules were CLEARLY stated to you in front of the kids? Do you think that, should your kids see you breaking the rules...they will be more likely to break rules? Even YOUR rules?
I have a question for the tribe. Im 32 years old, never married and don’t have any children. My mother is living with me after her 4th time getting evicted from her apartment. The last apartment was in my name because she has bad credit. She didnt pay the rent so they kicked her out. I've always been there for my mother. I don’t know what else to do or how else to help her but Im tired of lending her money and never being repaid and putting things on my credit. This time was the last straw and I don’t want her living with me anymore. What should I do? Should I just kick her out? I have two other siblings who aren't working and refuse to help so the burden is always on me.
I was talking to a friend about the scenario from yesterday. The friend and I agreed that the chick who called the woman was about some silly mess and that she was dead damn wrong for calling the woman up. I was like...yeah...but I probably would have known something was up when I looked down and saw her number. If they see each other sporadically and she's calling out the blue like that...yeah...her call would have gone straight to voicemail.
We then got into the whole thing where the chick had the audacity to call the former stay at home mom with some...why didn't you tell me and that sent our conversation in another direction.
We discussed how we pick and choose who we share information with often because well...everybody who wants to APPEAR to wish you well...really doesn't and you have to be careful.
I remember sharing some good news with a family member once that ended up depressing them because they made my good news out to be a reflection on them. That bothered me and I stopped sharing. The family member read something on the blog once and got bent outta shape because I hadn't called to share with them directly and I lied and said I'd been really busy...blame my head...not my heart.
That was a long time ago. That family member has since figured out that they do that often and shared their journey with me. I was like...yeah...don't do that. It's dumb.
Cuz I'm evil.
I'm usually the only person that a family, framily, or friend will confide in regarding bad news or just difficult issues because they know I know a lot of people and am good at thinking outside of the box. I may be able to introduce them to someone who can help.
When I think about it...I'm the same way. When I have something difficult going on I generally have the same people in my resource box and reach out to them. Some people because they are lovely and offer up that good energy I need at the moment...some people because they might can help solve the problem. I don't share with everyone because well...everyone can't help and honestly...when you're dealing with someone you want to talk to people who can HELP...anyone else is just a voyeur.
Are YOU selective as well? Are there times when you don't even share with your closest family members because well...you don't want them to worry and they wouldn't be able to help anyway so you tell them once the issue has been resolved?
You are out shopping and see a friend you know who is a stay-at-home mom.
She's working at the store you're browsing in.
This is news to you.
But no biggie.
A couple of weeks later her name comes up in conversation and someone says they haven't seen her around in a minute.
You say, "Oh, that's probably because she's working now."
The person is surprised and you tell them you saw her at work a couple of weeks ago.
The next day, the person you were talking to calls and tells you that she called the former stay-at-home mother and asked her why she didn't tell her that she's now working and that she said "I knew she couldn't keep her big mouth shut" talking about you.
You're annoyed because you didn't think it was a big secret because...
1. It was at the area mall so plenty of people would run into her.
2. You shared it in a perfectly legitimate way without malice.
3. The friend on your phone RIGHT THIS MINUTE is obviously about some mess and you want to tag her something proper.
Did you read what Aunt Viv said about Wendy Williams? Seems Tatyana Ali was a recent guest on the show and Wendy brought up Aunt Viv's name bringing up old stuff. Aunt Viv got mad because it's like...FOREVER ago stuff or something like that.
So she dug in so deep on Wendy...it's made all the news outlets:
Ya girl wore this to her stepson's baseball game. A friend was telling me about the "sessy" mom who attends her son's baseball games. Do YOU know a "sessy" mom who pushes the limits with her attire at the kids' sporting events? What do the other moms say?
Last weekend I was in Houston to watch the newest member of my framily be dedicated to God and to become his Godmommy. After the church ceremony, we had a get together and had a blast.
We were sitting around after the main crowd of people left. We'd cleaned up pretty well and were pretty much just chilling. At one point we looked around the table and pretty much just started counting our blessings. You know...just grateful that we were all doing so well. Around this table were executives with entrepreneurial spirit. From the friend who is pretty high up the food chain in the oil industry and who boils crawfish on the side for parties, to the friends who were deep in corporate America and getting their own startup off the ground and to me...a filmmaker.
We talked about challenges we'd faced and continue to face and we bounced a lot of stuff off each other as well got advice from each other regarding taxes, investments, etc. We pondered if we ever thought, back in the day in the Quad, if we'd all still be together following our dreams, helping each other, being the village we all are as it relates to family and kids, etc.
The answer was pretty much...yeah...we knew. We all knew we had a pretty unshakable bond.
A couple of months ago Shelly Bean queried out loud that she was trying to figure out to do with Coley for Spring Break. She just started a new job so she couldn't take the week off to do stuff with him and neither could her parents. Spring Break camp was a possibility, of course, but honestly...that was gonna cost a grip for the week. I told her that if she couldn't find anything she wanted to do...she could send him here and I'd make sure he had a good time, of course, and she'd get a mommy break for a week.
Before I got off the phone good...his itinerary was in my inbox.
COLE'S COMING! LOL!
Yesterday was our Anniversary and Robby and I were sitting around talking about our blessings. Our village / tribe was certainly way up high on the list. We knew that should we need help with anything, we've surrounded ourselves with smart, resourceful, connected people and we've all grown together with love, respect and trust. I thought about the myriad of options all of these kids we have in our village / tribe have because of all of the connections their family and framily have and I recognize the possibilities are endless for them. I know for sure, if one of these kids say they want to be a filmmaker...they are going to start IMMEDIATELY growing in that area cuz their T-Monnie will put it right up in front of them. We discussed how cool it was that Shelly could send Coley here because she has options and is financially stable but...in the event she couldn't afford to send him and still needed help...we'd have done what was needed in order to make sure she still had options.
Cuz that's how we get down.
Shelly: How much money do I need to send with Cole?
SIP: *RADIO.SILENCE* *HARD.STARE*
I know someone who had to back up off a friend because the friend was single and dating. Well...the friend was a very attractive woman who attracted lots of male attention but, for whatever reason, the friend was never in a relationship. The friend always wished it would work out with Guy A or Guy B but it hadn't and the person I know got tired of the friend always bringing a new man around her children. She didn't know how to ask her friend to come to things alone and it ended up becoming an issue with her husband. In the end...her husband ended up telling her that he wasn't comfortable with his daughter seeing her with so many different men (and keep in mind...it may have only been 3 or 4 different guys per year) and it wasn't up for debate. Until she was dating someone she had a commitment with, he'd prefer her to not bring anyone over to their home.
And it didn't go over all that well.
I thought about that thinking to myself that hey...that's kinda unfair if she's single and dating and WANTS a relationship but then I guess I started looking at it from a parent's point of view and well...I guess I got it. He wanted to make sure his children's village was strong and that they saw the most positive images whenever possible. She's a good person and she is more than welcome to come over...she just can't bring over Chuck, Jack or Shawn.
I get that.
All this rambling is basically to say that I guess it's pretty important who's in your Tribe / Village and a lot of people recognize that. What do YOU think? Do you have a Tribe / Village or do you pretty much keep it immediate family only? Do you think YOU'D ever ask a friend to stop bringing casual dates around your children?
"Being a female boss is a classic catch-22. In order for women to succeed, they have to be different, extraordinary, and not too emotional. But in order for them to be respected by their female employees, it seems these women also need to be relatable, likable, and "just like everyone else." When they're not, there's major backlash. Just look at Marisa Mayer, who has been widely criticized for her decision to ban telecommuting, a decision she made in order to benefit the company -- in other words, in order to do the job she was hired to do."
If your child's father was delinquent in his child support payments but was posting pictures of him living the high life on Facebook all the while telling the Judge he is indigent...would you tell the Judge about the Facebook statues and pictures?
I don't like people touching me and will go out of my way so that someone doesn't touch me. I can bob and weave with the best of them. It doesn't extend to family and framily of course and it would NEVER extend to my husband.
What do YOU think about this? What would you say to someone who feels like this? What would you say to someone whose spouse was like this? In YOUR opinion...is this a red flag?