Rantings of a Creole Princess

Holiday Randoms from My Flip!

Hmmmmmm...

What do you think of a surrogate who got paid to carry a couple's embryo and wanted to be considered part of their "family" when the baby arrived.

Ice Cubes

I woke up this morning feeling kinda blah.  I washed my hair and put it in a ponytail to air dry and got dressed for the gym.  I hardly ever go that early in the morning...but I was up and needed to keep busy as my mind was racing.

When I finally looked down at my ensemble I was horrified that I had on lilac sweatpants, an aqua blue tank and a lime green fleece. 

Lite brite.

Fertility Report

Two eggs fertilized.

They were frozen.

That is all.

Selective Reduction

You're dealing with infertility.

You have 5 embryos.

You haven't had any success and decide to try to put all 5 in.

Four take. 

You're pregnant with 4 babies.

Would YOU consider reducing the number?

From Tanyetta:

Free OPKs and Pregnancy Tests

Things they don't tell you about IVF

 
There are a few things about IVF that you learn the hard way because it doesn't seem that folks remember to tell you about them before they happen.

Imma list a few of them here.

Interesting...

A couple is married in the United States of America.

One half of the couple is Black.

One half of the couple is White.

They want to adopt a baby.

A beloved family member tells them that they should adopt a mixed race or Black baby ONLY because it would be odd in this world for them to raise a White baby.

What say you?

The kindness of strangers...

ST rode with me to the city this morning so I could LEGALLY take advantage of the HOV lane.  Hey...if I'm running late for a doc's appointment I have been known to ride dirty.  I'll just pay the ticket...seriously.

I drop ST off to the Metro stop near my doc's office and then looked for parking.  Since it was 8:00 am...there was a lot of street parking and I found a meter and parked immediately across the street from doc's office.

Then I looked in my coin thingy in my truck and I remembered the following conversation:

E:  T-MONNIE...THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IS HERE!  THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IS HERE!

Me:  Check my truck for cash...AND LOCK THE DOOR BACK!

So yeah...I only had like ninety five cents for the meter which bought me about 28 good minutes.  *sigh*

This guy was at the meter and he had a roll of quarters.

Me:  Hey.  Gimme fifty cents.

And he started laughing and gave me fifty cents.  (Got me another 14 minutes) 

Me:  I'm sorry but I'm from the country...I have no shame.

Him:  I'm from the country too.  Where you from?

Me:  Louisiana.  You?

Him:  Georgia and I hate to pay for parking but I have to cuz my wife's at the doctor.

And I noticed he was headed where I was headed. 

Me:  You going to Columbia?

Him:  Yeah...you?

Me:  Yeah.

And we walked in together and I saw his wife and said:

Me:  Hey!  Your husband loaned me fifty cents!  LOL! 

And I shook her hand and introduced myself.  Althea...(the chick behind the desk) knows me well so she just shook her head and laughed as I walked up to sign in.  When I turned back to find a seat not far from the couple the wife said:

Wifey:  Monica...I read your blog!  That's how I found out about Dr. Sacks!  You need some more money?  Honey...give her some more money!

And he gave me more money so I could put in the meter and not get a ticket.  LOLOLOLOLOLOL!  We chatted briefly because they called her back for her transfer but I hugged her tight and said a prayer for them as they headed back.  Then...I smiled too hard at the irony and was reminded that I had a 4 day migraine.

Yeah...you read right...FOUR.DAY.MIGRAINE.

That is all.

Cool huh?  The couple...NOT the migraine!

What would YOU say?

You're minding your business taking pics and see a woman with a cute baby. 

You stop and coo-coo at the baby. 

The woman is really nice and sweet and yall start talking about the baby's SUPER cute outfit. 

The woman asks if you have any kids and you tell her not yet because you're dealing with infertility.

Yall go on to discuss someone she knows who was infertile too, yada, yada, yada.

And then she says...

I needed to find my smile today...

When I went to the doctor on Monday I got the sentence from HELL.  An additional week of Lupron because my body wasn't suppressed yet.

ANOTHER.

WEEK.

So yeah...it's been pretty rough on me.

I was sitting here today listening to Lucy snore and decided to go find something to make me smile and since I'll start decorating for Halloween tomorrow...I figured I'd go check out a few things!

FINALLY...someone made a cupcake stand I can live with!  I haven't ever seen one that was this nice and sturdy and it only costs $19.99!!!!!!!  GO ME!  Cupcake Stand

A haunted wine stopper!  ME LIKEY!  ME LIKEY!!!!!

The colors just make me sooooooooooooo happy!  Yes...I saw these and SMILED!

Now THESE are cool candles!  LOL! 

I don't wanna see a grown man dressed as a chicken.

And I DAMN sure don't wanna see a grown man dressed up like a banana either.  LOL!  WHO COMES UP WITH THIS STUFF?  (I'm thinking we should get the chicken one for oneblackman.  ROFL!)

How has YOUR day been on a scale from 1 - 10?

From SIP:

When I called Robby this morning on my way back from the doctor...he made the decision to stay home with me and work from home.  He was very sweet and attentive all day.

But yall know I'm evil right?

Right.

I thought I'd feel better after going to the gym...but I didn't.

I was just in the most ridiculously foul of moods.

And I still am.

Ugh.  I can't shake this.

Doc says I can't start stims tonight.  Maybe later this week.

Just fucking great.

A-Cyst Me

So...I had a sonogram and bloodwork this morning.  Dr. Sacks came in on Yom Kippur even.  (That dude ROCKS!)

He found a cyst on my left ovary and is concerned that it might make me me have to scrap this cycle and start over.

He's checking my hormone levels and will let me know later today what's what.

Crap.

Have you ever had cysts in or on your ovaries?  What did your doc suggest for it/them?

Me, myself and I personally...

Feeling Some Kinda Way

Ugh...my stomach hurts and I can't keep anything in.

My left ovary is painful.

I'm cold one minute but hot the next.

I'm dressed for the gym but me thinks I'm about to put on some lounging pajamas and call it a day.

Me no feel good.

Me want me mommy.

How are YOU feeling today?

My husband...

...is sleeping right now on the other end of the sofa so he doesn't know that I'm over here being teary eyed.  If he knew...he'd be upset.

I appreciate him so much.  He works so hard to make sure we have a good life and he supports everything I do.  AND...he makes it possible for us to do IVFs.

I'm feeling kinda weird tonight and yeah...it's the bitch juice.

Suddenly...I feel unworthy.

*sigh*

Let's get PHYSICAL!!!!!

I almost crapped my pants this morning when I thought I heard my doctor tell me I was 5 pounds underweight. I was like...AAAAARRRRRRRUUUUUU??????  He quickly clarified that I was 5 pounds away from BEING underweight and told me to make sure I don't lose any weight.  I told him that I eat more than I ever have since I started upping my cardio workout. 

He had no answers for me...just told me not to lose weight. 

Humph.

Robby got out of the colon check because he's not 40 until November.  Dude was grinning ear-to-ear about that.  ROFL!  He is sooooo funny to me!

We left the doc and went down the street to have our blood drawn and the woman taking my blood complimented me on my wedding jewelry and asked how long I'd been married.  I told her and then she asked how many kids we had.  I told her. 

Blood Taker:  Girl...you'd better give that man some kids.  A little girl that looks just like you would melt his heart.

I shut down and said nothing else to her.  I know she meant well in that "way" folks do...but I'm on drugs and not in the mood for all that.  At breakfast I told Robby and the damn hormones I'm taking made me cry as I was telling him.  He started chewing the inside of his jaw and grinding his teeth together in that way he does when he's gauging his reaction to something and trying to remain calm.

Robby:  She didn't know. 

Me:  I know.

And he held my hand.

I know Robby so I know had he heard her say that to me she would have been blasted and if I hadn't heard it all before because I was new to the infertility journey...I might have as well.

But he didn't...

...and I'm not.

It is what it is even if what it is is pretty fugged up.

But hey...we're super healthy!  Go us.  We can live a long, child-free existence if need be.

Yup.

We healthy.

*sigh*

Scenario...

A couple has decided they want to have a baby.

The woman starts looking for a surrogate.

She finds one.

She goes to a fertility specialist to get the woman pregnant with the embryo created from she and her husband.

The fertility specialist refuses because the woman can have babies...she just doesn't want to mess up her body and would rather pay someone to carry her baby for her.

What say you?

Help Me

This is my YouTube Channel:  CreoleInDC

It's mostly about infertility.  I get a lot of good...I get a bit of bad via email.  I try my best to help as many people out as possible in dealing with infertility and infertility treatments and I actually spend more time doing that online than pretty much anything else because there is a lot of misinformation out there and coupled with the fear one has in tackling infertility...it can be a bit difficult.

And I like to help people.  I truly, TRULY do.

Soooo.....

Help me.

Help me respond to this chick cuz I TRULY don't know what I'm sposed to say to her.

Seriously.  Is it just me?

Or am I really an insensitive jackoffasaur for what I thought when I read this.  Cuz I know a LOT of yall know what I thought.

Help me.  I help yall when yall ask me.  HELP.ME.  Help me answer this woman cuz I'm confused.  Seriously.  I'm very, very confused.

Thank you in advance.

Custom Blend Chinese Herbs

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY TASTE

AND LOOK

LIKE MUDDY

POND SCUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cold in the Uterus? - Acupuncture

I've had a pretty hectic Monday considering Mondays are usually my off days.  I had to pick The Robinator up from the airport for 1:30 and my first appt with my new acupuncturist was today.  On top of that I'm in edit hell and getting ready for travel on Wednesday (which up until 2:30 today I thought wasn't until Thursday...*sigh*)

I found my new acupuncturist on my medical insurance's website.  Our plan doesn't cover it...OF COURSE...so they have this discounted program we may take advantage of.  So...the price was usually $100 but was discounted to $75.

I stalked the list and did some serious research on them until I found the most qualified of the group within 10 miles of our home.

And old girl is QUALIFIED.  Trust.  In fact...she's a doctor of Chinese Medicine.

CreoleInDC TV: New Protocol Step!

What say you? Does this sound like something that will work better?

Birth Control Pills

I never took birth control pills until I started trying to have a baby.

Birth control pills make me evil as HELL!

Not only evil...but ridiculously emotional.  I burst into tears today twice.  Robby was so worried about me I think he was bout to come home.

I.HATE.BIRTH.CONTROL.PILLS!

Please God let this be the last time.  I'd do anything.

Do you take birth control pills?

What kind?

Why do you take them?

How do you get used to taking them?

Bee Pollen and Royal Jelly for Infertility Treatment

I'm going buy some of this today, Bee Pollen and Royal Jelly, after reading about more than a few people having better egg retrievals.  It seems it is taken by the teaspoon morning and night for a couple of months so it helps you out with egg quality.  I've tried everything else...might as well try this too.

Has anyone out there tried this as well?  What were your results?  I hear it helps with so much more too.

IVF #6: Let's get ready to rumble...

Hey...It's been since October.  I was so hurt and so broken for weeks and weeks and weeks. 

And then I went home for a visit and returned with Prince Ziggy and it was easy not to think about it because he was here and he needed me.  Every waking hour seemed to be about him and I enjoyed having my beautiful nephew with me.

And then he went home.

And our home was quiet again.

I've been depressed for a while now and the only person that REALLY knew was my Robinator.  We've been trying naturally and of course it never worked and yet, I still can't get past that desire to try one more time.

Yall know the deal.  It's going to be rough.  It's ALREADY been rough making this decision.  I've thought long and hard and Robby has said that whatever I wanted to do...he wants to do.

That's love.

So yeah...we're going to try again.  I'll pump my body up with drugs, again, and I'll try and be super nice and pray extra hard so that God gives us this miracle that we so want. 

I'm trying to gain some weight.  At least 5 pounds.  It's hard because I have weird eating habits.  Food that isn't good for me usually grosses me out but I'm trying because Lord knows I want this with all of my heart.  I'd give ANYTHING to be a mother and make my husband a father.

IVF #6.  Wow.  I never thought I'd be here.  Never thought I'd have what it takes to keep on keeping on with this journey.  The last time was sooooooooooooooo hard.  Yall have no idea.  But getting used to having Prince Ziggy here and then getting used to having him NOT here made me feel some kinda way.

We're trying again folks. 

Wish us luck.

From MissMO1984!

Hi Monnie
 
I wanted you to know after my 2nd IVF and many many different tries, I am finally pregnant. You videos were truly a blessing to me, to find a NORMAL black woman going through infertility treatments and to keep humor in it all helped me!! I cried when you got your BFN's and almost dropped out of my seat when you passed out!!!!!!! Thank you for sharing your world with me!!! I loook forward in being a support in your Baby Journey!!! Love you!!!!!
 

Acupuncture...from a Southerner's Point of View

***FLASHBACK FROM 2006...MADE ME LAUGH***

So...as I stated before.  At this point in my baby makin journey I'll try ANYTHING.  I mean ANYTHING.  Seriously.  If some old hag looking woman rang my doorbell with a poisoned apple and a bag of magic beans proven to help with fertility...I'm ya girl!  Humph.

I had my second acupuncture session today. I have to say...I'm not really a fan.  I'm going to continue with it, of course, because it seems it has helped a lot of people.  But I'm from the South and we just don't get down like that you know? 

For starters, this is what is on the ceiling when I'm laying down:

Uh...yeah.  Like I said...I'm from the South...I need 1 + 1 = 2 kinda results ya know? 

Stoopit imaginary person:  But Monnie...don't you believe in ghosts?

Monnie:  That's different.

Stoopit imaginary person:  Not really...ghosts don't add up ya know.

Monnie:  SHUT UP!  Why am I talking to you ANYWAY?  YOU'RE JUST A STOOPIT IMAGINARY PERSON!

(Whew...Just between me and you...I think I'm losing it over here.)

The last time I went she didn't put any needles in my head.  That was a good thing.  Today, however, she did.  One lone needle between my eyebrows.  AND THAT MESS HURT!

Charming huh?  I look like a corpse in a casket.  She's talking bout relax and focus on your breathing and I'm thinking...HOW IN THE HELL I'M SPOSED TO RELAX AND YOU STICKING NEEDLES ROUND MY DAMN EYES AND ISH? 

Man...I'm just not cut out for all this Eastern healing mess.  I didn't get ya girl in "What's Love Got to do With it" when she was running round talking bout NUMYUMRACHONDAREO...NUMYUMRACHONDAREO and I don't get it now.  AND I'M PAYING FOR THIS!  CASH MONEY!  Weekly.

*sigh*

This shit betta work.  That's all I'm saying.  That's ALL I'm saying.  Humph!

Myomectomy, Fibroids and CreoleInDC

My first encounter with fibroids was at the early age of 14.  I had a lump in my right breast and my mother took me in to have it checked out.  We were told it was a fibroid tissue and that it was nothing for us to worry about and it wasn't.  It was exactly as it seemed and we didn't worry about it.

After dealing with cancer I pretty much thought I was safe from anything else medically related that would cause me grief.  I figured hey...I've had cancer.  It just doesn't get any bigger than that.

Boy was I wrong.

I had a boyfriend of six years and suddenly, sans ropas hurt.  Bad.  I wondered if I just wasn't into it with him anymore and we broke up shortly after cuz hey...what dude wants to think he's hurting his girl during that act ya know?  I mean that wasn't the reason...but it didn't help the situation either. 

Years later I would remember that kind of pain and then more of it as the pain intensified big time.  I couldn't walk without pain even let alone anything else.  I'd sneeze...pain.  Cough...pain.  Breathe...PAIN.

When I went to the doctor they found the fibroids.  In previous years we'd just let nature run it's course and let the fibroids rupture which meant they grew as much as they could and then burst.  If the fibroids were small you didn't really know when it happened.  If they were big...you were aware but...at least you didn't have to have surgery or anything.

This time, it was different.  Seems my uterus was filled with them and...it seems that about three of them were pretty big.  I'd never had anything other than tight, flat abs before and now I had a pudge that bothered me.  More than  that however, I had pain.

Serious, SERIOUS pain.

it got so bad that I couldn't even sleep without taking something.  I couldn't do anything physical including work out without hurting something awful and I was MISERABLE.

Eventually things came to a head and the pain became excruciating.  I had to make a decision that I know now affected my life for the rest of it. 

I had to have surgery.  A myomectomy to be exact.

I asked all the right questions and did all the right things.  I refused to take pain meds for more than a day after surgery and I worked really hard to get my stomach back tight after the surgery.  I immediately noticed I wasn't in pain all the time and it was with a sigh of relief that the doctors told me that they got them all.  The size of one was that of a baseball.  Two others were the size of golf balls and there were many more that were removed.

Life was good after that until Robby and I started trying to have a baby.  I had it all planned out. I stopped working, our home was lovely and ready for a child, we had the dog and were ready to rumble.  Cept...it didn't happen for us.

As we continued trying naturally, always in the back of my mind was the surgery and one day I flat out asked, "Was the myomectomy a contributing factor in our not getting pregnant yet?"  And my doctor was honest with me and told me that hey...it was.

The scar tissue from the surgery had grown and was creating a not so implantable environment for the embryos to implant.  I mean...sure, nothing is wrong with the sperm nor the eggs so yeah...we can make embryos...they just can't survive on planet Monnie's Uterus.

How does that make me feel?  Like shit.  Had I known this was going to be the end result I would like to think I would have just continued on with the pain and just took drugs daily until they all ruptured.  But then...I'm realistic.  I remember the pain.  I remember crying.  I remember just how AWFUL the whole thing was.  And I know that I probably wouldn't have been able to find any joy in any relationship that followed because of it.  I would have been evil as fug and know good and well that I wouldn't have been able to sustain a good, loving relationship with that kind of pain. And Midol Week?  Fa-get-about-it!  THE WORST.THING.EVER!

It's the truth man...it's the truth.

As I sit here infertile because of a surgery I'm sad and sometimes mad even as I know there were no options for me to do otherwise.  Even though I know good and well that I had to do what I had to do.

But...I caution anyone who is contemplating having a myomectomy.  I know you're in pain.  I know what the doctors are telling you.  I just want you to know what I know. 

This is my story and I wish it wasn't so.  I wish I could be pregnant naturally.  I wish for a miracle daily. 

*sigh*

Feeling some kinda way...

Yesterday Prince Ziggy and I were out shopping.  We had a few things to pick up that were needs and I decided to go ahead and buy Prince Corby a crapload of stuff for our trip.  I figured I could spend more time with him when we get there if I did the majority of my shopping here than to wait and do it there.

I hit a couple of spots that have become my regular spots to shop for Prince Ziggy.  You know the names:  Gymboree, Children's Place, Janie and Jack, GapKids, etc.

All of the people that work in kid's stores are super nice and they ask you a ton of questions.  It doesn't help that Prince Ziggy is cute as HELL and is extremely personable.  Why?  Cuz this makes them even MORE talkative.

Folks always start out by saying how cute he is and how he looks just like me.  I smile.  Then they ask how old he is and I tell them.  Next they are asking stuff like, "Wow, I bet his father is mad because he looks just like you.  He probably doesn't look anything like his father." 

And I respond by telling them he looks EXACTLY as his father did when his father was a baby.

And I try to keep it moving.

Cuz then they be all up in my kooler.

Stretch Marks

What did you/do you do for them?

Dear Single Women in your 30's and beyond who don't have children...

Where is your head regarding having children?
Are you worried about your fertility?
Will you be okay with having a child-free life if that ends up happening?
Would you consider ever being a single mother?
Would you ever consider adopting?
Do you have an age in mind to REALLY start taking these things into consideration?

Dear Women with Fertility Issues:

How are you feeling? 
Where is your head and heart right now? 
Do you have any new cycles on the horizon? 
Are you taking a break? 
Are you done? 
Are you taking a break because you're tired...or because of money?

From My Inbox: Infertility Sucks

**NOTE..As you guys know, this is a situation that would be near and dear to my heart so this is definitely the type of inbox email that I answer myself.  I'm just curious to know what  you guys would say to her as I might be too close to this to not get emotional.
_____________________________________________________________ 

Hi Monica,

I'd like to thank you for your YouTube videos.  When we decided that we were going to try an IVF, your videos really helped the fear of the unknown.  I like how candid you are in your videos and I love your sense of humor.  You really broke the process down for me and took away a lot of the anxiety.  Some mornings I would just watch my favorites of your videos before I even got out of bed to help keep me going.

Well IVF didn't work for us and we only had enough money to do one.  Our doctor has told me that with only one tube and PCOS that it would virtually be impossible for me to get pregnant.  In this economy it will probably take us 5 years to save up enough money for another IVF and with my problems we don't qualify for  one of the assisted reproduction packages.

We've been married for about 5 years now and my husband is really great.  He wants to be a father and is very disappointed that it looks like we won't be able to have children.  He's not for adoption.  We love each other very much and I love him enough to sometimes think he deserves better than me for a wife.  I feel like he deserves a woman who can make him a father.  I think this so much that I find myself planning how I would leave him and what I would do to make him never come looking for me.  I haven't admitted this to anyone and my husband would be horrified to know I'm having these thoughts but I just can't help it.  I feel like because of me, both of us are suffering and he is suffering unnecessarily.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this because, well, I'm just not like you.  I wish I was able to be open and share how this makes me feel as it seems to have helped you a lot.  After my mother said something that really hurt me about not being able to have a child, I just stopped talking to people about it.  Even my best friend has said something that I never believed she'd ever even think.

I guess I'm just writing at this point in hopes that you and the tribe can help me with my feelings and thoughts.  I'm hurting really bad and I am good at convincing myself that I could just walk away from it all and live alone for the rest of my life.

I think this is a plea for help.

Sincerly,
Brokenhearted

Advice

What advice would you give to someone who miscarried or was in the process of miscarrying as far as how to not let it keep you down and tear you apart?

*BLINK* *BLINK* *BLINK*

Sonya and I are doing some SERIOUS blinking about this:  http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=6517455&page=1

Trust me when I say that I might be crazy as hell...but I will NEVER be this crazy!  ROFL!

Maybe...

I'm not a baby person.  Maybe God is trying to tell me something.

Seriously.

Assvice (Heather 2008)

When you don't have shit to say other than some old cliche shit...just don't say nuttin.  Nobody wants to hear that shit.  Let me repeat myself...

NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THAT SHIT!

Just STOP.  Just fuggin stop.  You ain't gotta say ish...comment about something you CAN say something about.  The rest?  Just walk on by.  Go comment on a "True or False" and leave the serious shit to folks who admit that it's fugged up or have something REALLY constructive to say.

Shit.

Bad Day

I didn't have a good day today and didn't want yall sending folks over to my house so I bowed out quietly.

I hurt.

Question...

Would you ask your mother to be your surrogate mother?  Would she offer?

Aly's gonna be a mommy...

AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In the midst of the election her email came and I must have missed it cuz I just sorted emails from her email addy to email her so I can say...ummmmm...AND THERE WAS THE NEWS!!!!!!! http://the_invisible_writer.blogspot.com/

Hey Monica - I know I said I was gonna email you with my baby news but among all the YES WE CANS! and other historical stuff I can't think right.  Anyway, I finally saw a doctor (just not a baby doctor yet) and we put my due date around May 26, 2009.  Also, I got a teeny tiny azz sample of that Molton Brown stuff as a free gift because I ordered some maternity clothing from a store based in London.  I wouldn't have never know what that was had you not blogged about it.  (I think I may be hooked, sh*t).  Anyway, hope the sun is shining in your part of the world. Love, Aly

GO ALY, GO ALY, GO ALY, GO ALY!

I hope you never understand.

I'm doing it again.  I know it when I'm doing it. 

But nothing can stop me.  Nothing.

I've taken to wearing my husband's fleece pajama bottoms since he's traveling so much.  Since he's gone so often.  Since I'm alone so, so much.

It always starts with a missed breakfast because I didn't get out of bed until 10:00am.  I convince myself I'll eat lunch soon so no worries. 

No problem.

I peal a banana and try to eat it.  I never can.  The taste sickens me.  Feels odd against my tongue.  I can't eat it so I give it to Jaru and Lucy.

Since it's cold I have something hot.  Coffee, cocoa, tea or warmed eggnog.  I lean back and take a sip.  Live in the moment of allowing it to coat my throat.  Live in the moment of following along my trachea.  Hoping, wishing and praying it reaches my heart and fills the pain that is there.  That won't ever go away. 

And I write.

I write.

I write.

The darkest shit I've ever written.  And I know I might need to go get some help because this pain is so raw, so...real...so...ALL CONSUMING that I refuse to open up about it for fear I'll lose myself as I spilled the misery all over...all over...EVERYTHING.

I write what I feel and all I feel is PAIN.

Before you know it, it's 2:00 and it's time to schedule more posts since I scheduled something for every half-hour until 2:00 the night before. Until then I just sit and pretend I'm not in the pain I'm in.  I pretend mostly for him.  Because he loves me soooooooo much and I know it bothers him to not be home when he feels I need him.  Because I know him and I know that he'd hop a plane and come home without thought for his project.  Because I feel it would be selfish for me to require such.  Because I love him so much that jewel of a man who is my Prince.  My hero.  My Robinator.

But sometimes...

It just hurts so fucking bad.

And then...it's time for Oprah and I haven't moved.  Haven't combed my hair.  Haven't cleaned up the mess I've made from doing nothing.  The clutter visible from every angle. 

And I realize I haven't eaten anything except a piece of raisin bread but I can't eat anything else.  So I grab the bag of stir fry veggies and eat them like they are potato chips.  Straight out the bag.  They taste like nothing nor do I remember eating them.  I don't remember getting up and putting them away but put them away I did because they are there ready for the next time I can force myself to eat something.  Anything.  To just open my damn mouth and chew.

Do you care to know how it hurts?  The sharpness of it?  The totality?  The emptiness?  The pain?  Oh my God...the pain.

I can't spend too much time with anyone because they'll know.  They will figure out I just want to die.  That I would probably starve myself to death if he didn't come home on Fridays.  The day I cook and pretend I've been fine so he doesn't worry.

He calls me for lunch.  I picture him...in his suit sitting outside eating a salad.  He calls me and we talk like I'm having lunch with him.  In the park.  Outside with 80 degree temperatures.  I close my eyes and listen to his voice picturing his smile.  The crinkles around his eyes.  His beautiful eyes. 

I should have been an actress because I can put on one hell of a show.  It's not that I'm embarrassed that anyone knows my pain.  It's that I'm scared of never being able to be THAT PERSON they want me to be if they KNEW.  So yeah...quick hi's and goodbyes.  Hiding under a hat.  Walking fast.  Moving away quickly.

I feel like everything has been destroyed.  My get up and go has gone and yet I pretend, I pretend, I pretend.

My family taught me well.  (Insert laugh here.)

The sight of my own blood has always terrified me and brought with it serious panic attacks.  I pricked my finger today on a staple and the bead of bright red blood bubbled up and sat there.  I looked at it and felt nothing.

I wiped it on my husband's fleece pj bottoms and I curled up in a ball until my arm fell asleep from the position of my hand under my cheek.

I'm not an emotional eater.  I'm an emotional non-eater.  I've lost five pounds again.  When I'm depressed I don't eat.

And God knows I'm depressed.

The pain in my heart is palpable and 5 days out of the week...I'm alone.  Maybe it's just the timing of this project in that it started pretty much immediately after the last IVF.  Maybe that's why this time it seems as if I'm broken.  Mortally wounded.  Defeated beyond recognition.

I hurt.

Still.

Pray to God you never hurt like this.  The kind of hurt that takes all of your hurts and gangs up on you to beat the shit out of you raw.  Okay.  I've been beaten man.  I've had my azz kicked.  LET ME GET UP ALREADY!  FUCK!  WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?  WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?

.

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If I were a betting woman...right now I'd lose.

Good thing I believe gambling is beneath me.

COMMENTS ARE CLOSED. 

Sometimes...

...being left alone with your thoughts is not a good thing. 

Sometimes you REALLY focus on that which hurts you the most.

Yerp...you do.

*sigh*

Pregnancy Cravings

When you were pregnant...did you have weird cravings?

From Jen:

S.Rose was born via c-section this morning at 10:23am.
She weighs 8 lbs 6 ozs and it 21" long!

We are all doing great!

Smooches,

Jen

JEN'S A MOMMY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Walking it out!

I slept HARD last night man. The only thing I remember is that it was cold when I went to sleep and warm when I woke.  UGH.  Can't sleep warm. 

I was laying there listening to Lucy snore when Robby called and he made me smile and laugh.

When we got off the phone I lay still for a few minutes and then I threw off the covers and got outta bed.  Started my morning ritual of bubble bath and relaxation.

Never turned on the television.  Tired of the news.  TIRED OF THE NEWS!

I'm convinced my deck is the most peaceful place on Earth right now.  I had my tea while out there and I relaxed.  MUCH earlier than I'm used to being up.  I listened to music.  A little Frankie.  A little Soul Rebels.

Then...A LOT OF SOUL REBELS.

"Let Your Mind Be Free!"

I been dancing and dancing and dancing.

I'm rounding the corner.  Started the morning off counting off my blessings.  Stayed away from all negatives.  Just let my mind be FREE!

From My Inbox: VENT

Alright  I am not sure if this is question but more like...can you help
me understand.

I am over the age of 40, just turned 42, having my 4th child, but my 1st
child with my husband of 8 yrs.
Now I realize you are going to say it is hormonal, but I have been
getting this "attitude" from doctors, family, friends and now just plain
ole co-workers.

It appears that folks got an issue with me wanting to have a child at
this time of my life.  They seem to feel as if, I should be crazy to
want one.
Now, some of these folks, more so the family, friends and OTHERs seem
they gotta put their 2 damn cents into my damn business.

The doctors giving me the DOOM GLOOM, crap of how my baby might have
this or that or your at risk for that, instead of just giving the info I
need to have healthy pregnancy and let nature do what it is gonna
do....keep that negative crap out my way, unless my blood work is
telling you something, or my ultrasound is showing you something.  I got
the NEGATIVE crap ...I have researched it...trust...I got it....DAYUM.

Someone just got me today.  I havent really told everyone at my job that
I am preggo, but I got folks looking at me sideways.  But today, some
random co-worker was like hey u alright you walking kinda slow, I said
nah I am cool.  she says yeah well my friend was just telling me, when
she turned 50 everything seems to go broken.  I told her welcome to my
world.  I didnt respond, but as I walked to my office, I was like
damn...does she think I am 50?

Anyways, her comment made me think of all the random comments I have
gotten these past few months and prior when trying to went down this
path.  I didn't realize how it offends people that I am embarking on
this journey of having a child, over 40.

Part of me wants a shirt or a sign, maybe a flash card..saying ...

YEAH I AM PREGNANT over 40.  I am HEALTHY and HAPPY and it NONE OF YOUR
DAMN BUSINESS!

Thanks for letting me vent....

Happy Sunday!

I'm up. 

Truth is I got up yesterday and forced myself to do things I should be doing.  I went got my boy E so he could come play with his friends because I saw them outside as I was leaving and knew he'd have fun with the gang of em.  At one point he came inside cuz there were some new kids out and he didn't know how to make new friends without me introducing him.  I sent him back out with these instructions:

1. Smile because you're an AWESOME kid.
2. Introduce yourself.
3.  Say, Hi...I'm E, wanna play? Apparently that worked.  LOL!

Lemme tell you why it's okay to hang with E when you can't hang with anyone else.  When you can't LOOK at anyone else.  When you feel like if you open your mouth...your heart will bubble up and spill out.  You don't have to say a word.  That kid talks and talks and talks.  I just sit back and listen to him.  Marveling at how smart that kid is and thinking how awesome his mother is that she has such an amazing kid.  I don't think she gives herself enough credit.  I think she feels that as a single mother that he's missing out on something and I doubt if she sees that in comparison to a whole lotta kids...her kid has got that juice. 

That something special. 

He's smart, sweet, funny as heck and he loves hard.  He's sweet, sensitive and remorseful when he's done something wrong. I need his mother to know that how special he is is all because of her.  If she wasn't an awesome mother...no way in hell she'd have such an awesome kid.

I'm wearing overalls today.  Brown velvet ones made by For Joseph.  I forgot I had them.

Robby:  Da hell are you wearing?
Me:  Overalls.
Robby:  Why?
Me:  They're comfortable.
Robby:  You look like Farmer Dan.
Me:  They're VERY comfortable.
Robby:  Um...yeah...okay.  (Raising paper.)
Me:  So you don't like them?
Robby:  You look like Farmer Dan.
Me:  So I take that as a no.
Robby:  I'm just surprised you own something like that.
Me:  I bought them to wear to work around the house.
Robby:  No wonder I've never seen them.

*sigh*

Robby:  (Soft smile)  You're feeling better?
Me:  Yes.
Robby:  Good.  (Gets up and hugs me.)  Now let the Tribe know.  They're worried about you.
Me:  Okay.
Robby:  I was thinking...your blog is kinda like a reality show.
Me:  I guess.
Robby:  No guessing...it is.  If you ever change your mind about adopting...we'll never get a kid once they find your site.  LOL!
Me:  Yeah...I know...but I'll never change my mind about adopting.
Robby:  Good.

I'm feeling better.  The pain comes in waves and right now...I'm feeling better.

Hey Babs.
Hey Ginger.
Hey Becca.
Hey Mercy.
Hey cbean.
Hey 1969.
Hey Gladys.
Hey Fergie.
Hey onefromphilly.
Hey Lia.
Hey Kristin.
Hey Shelly.
Hey T-Rhonda.
Hey Cojoe.
Hey Weezy.
Hey Erica B.

Hey Vanessa.

Hey Colin.

Hey Monica H.

Hey SwtHoni.

Hey T.Kay.

Hey Isha.

Hey to everyone who called and sent me texts and private messages.  Had me scratching my damn head thinking...HOW ALL THESE PEOPLE GOT MY DAMN NUMBER HELL?????????????  ROFL!

I'm feeling a bit better.  That's all I got.  I hope that's okay.  I realize this site is kinda like a reality show and that, in ways I can't figure out, it has made yall care about us.

Thank you.

Now if you can only convince Robby to use the bathroom in ANY OTHER BATHROOM I'M NOT IN!  I MEAN REALLY!  WE GOT 4 TOILETS!  WHY YOU GOTTA USE THE ONE WHERE I'M HAVING A RELAXING AROMATHERAPUTICISH BUBBLE BATH????????? I would greatly appreciate that.

Me:  Why Robby?
Robby:  I'm spending time with you.
Me:  *sigh*

I just can't.

I dreamed  of my mother last night.  She asked me what was I doing.  I told her I didn't know.

I woke around 7:30 when Robby got up and I couldn't move.  I turned over and went back to sleep.

He woke me with breakfast around 8:45.  I ate and went back to sleep.

I just couldn't move.

Robby asked me was there anything he could do.  I shook my head slowly and blinked away my tears.

I stayed in the bed for a while and only woke when the doorbell rang.  FedEx guy.  With a delivery.  For me.

It was flowers from Ginger.  Nice.  She's a wonderful soul.

I didn't open the box.

I couldn't.

I got back in the bed.

It seems this time it hurts more than it has ever hurt.  I just feel so damn angry at everything. 

And it hurts so bad.

The only person I've attempted to talk this through with outside of Robby said all the wrong things.  I love that person for trying...but all I saw was red as they were talking. 

"It's just not your time."

"You're so many things to so many people.  You take care of so many people and are such a good soul.  Maybe that's your calling.  Not to be a mom."

"God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  You'll be okay."

I know they love me.  I know they do.  I just can't right now.  I just can't.

We're not pregnant.

I don't need a buncha nothing.  Just telling yall cuz I want yall to stay out my gotdamn inbox asking with ya cheeky azzes.

No really...I know yall care.  Truly.  And Robby and I are so grateful that you do care about us in such a cynical world. 

I'm just not in a good place regarding the process.  My family and "family" has known for a couple of days now so I've been okay.  I have my moments but I think that is to be expected.  Five failed IVF's might be it for me.  I don't know how many more I have in me.  The Robinator and I are trying to decide our next steps.  We'll let you know what we decide.

I'm REALLY not in a good place this time.  Yall have no idea. I'm just so fuggin ANGRY.  But I'll be aiight.  My Robinator is home and he's taking wonderful, wonderful care of me.  Spoiling me rotten if we wanna be real.  LOL!  Lots of hugs and kisses.  Lots of laughter and great conversation.

We really want you guys to know how much your prayers have meant to us during this cycle and all the others.  We realize how blessed we are to have such a strong and wonderful support group as you guys are.  One of the reasons we believe there is NOTHING we can't do is because of yall.  Yall believe in us and we take that pretty seriously.  You guys make us believe the impossible and SOAR.

Monnie and Robby might not have a baby in the traditional way.  We might have to do some serious other stuff to have a baby with our DNA.  Right now...that's the only option.  We want a baby with our genetic makeup.  I don't care if other folks adopt...it's cool.  It's just not for me right now.  I'm from strong lineage and I want to be able to tell my child where he/she came from.  I'm lucky enough to actually know a good bit about my ancestors and I want to pass that along as the truth to my child.

And I don't care if other folks don't get that. 

Aiight...I've spoken about this enough.  I'm going to have some rough patches in the coming days, but, as always, I will be just fine.  I'm going to keep on keeping on and keep having a BLAST at this thing called life.  I took a break for six weeks and now I'm chomping at the bit for next steps.

I hope yall ready for the ride.

To the person I talked to today...I just can't.  I know you mean well and you love me...but I just can't.  I can't hear what you have to say over the roaring in my ears.

How long did you wait...

...before you told folks you were preggo?