Out of all the things in life I've had to deal with, child abuse, tragedy, cancer and infertility...infertility is the one that came close to breaking me. Many of you were reading the blog back when we were trying to have a baby and it was one hell of a roller coaster of everything.
And yeah...I barely survived it.
Years later and I'll be in line at the grocery store and a kid is having a meltdown because he/she wants whatever crap it is they want that their parent isn't buying them.
Years later and I'll go to a friend's house who asks me to take off my shoes because the kids eat off the floor and I'll step on a lego and tears will pop up so fast and I'll have to LITERALLY bite my lip to not scream an F-bomb at the pain.
Years later I'll be on the phone with someone whose child is about to get cut for doing something or NOT doing something they were told to not do or do.
I'll politely get off the phone while they handle that and go back to whatever it was I was doing. I'll look around our home and be glad that, while it may currently be dusty...there aren't legos in the vicinity of my fluffy sock enclosed feet. I'll fix a lovely meal that I know everyone will enjoy and Robby and I will get to eat it in peace along with a glass of wine and some cuddle time on the sofa while we watch television.
Our evenings are quiet. We laugh a lot. We read a lot. We pretty much enjoy each other.
And the quiet. We enjoy the quiet.
Now...here's where I'm going with this before your inner snark monster starts saying "She knows good and damn well she wishes she had a kid or six." LOL! Cuz you're totally right.
HOWEVER...it didn't happen. It might not happen. Should I dwell on it? Should I allow the very real pain of it to hinder me from finding the silver lining? The joy? The things I'm grateful for...in the life we HAVE?
I don't think so.
I'm writing this for a friend. They know who they are. Life didn't give them what they thought they wanted more than anything and they have been wallowing in the ish for years now. I didn't know them before they accepted their unhappy state of being but I'm assuming they were once happy...BEFORE the dream didn't come to life. I'm not saying they are miserable but I am saying that they've allowed the disappointment to color every.single.thing they held dear. They go to work and just do the minimal. They withdrew from their family and friends. They let that thing that didn't happen became the train wreck that DID happen.
They can't find the reason they should have to BE.
They don't know how to #ChooseHappy.
I'm not happy we didn't have babies but I'm happy with our life. I'm happy I have him and he has me. I'm happy we have Jaru. I'm happy we have good people in our life who love us. I'm happy for so much even though I wish we'd had babies. Even though sometimes I see a toddler walking that toddler jerky walk and my heart skips a beat at what I don't have.
Because I do have a lot to be thankful for.
Most of us won't get what we think we want. That's okay. We have to learn to live with that...just like the toddler who didn't get the $6 colorful piece of crap toy they fell out about in Target.
They'll find something else to smile about soon.
P.S. I love you. :)