Robby is getting sick so I'm making chicken noodle soup. E is sitting at the counter doing his homework and talking to me while I'm cutting up veggies.
Me: You just wait...one day, when you're a young man on your own you're going to get sick and you're going to wish you had some of your T-Monnie's homemade chicken noodle soup.
Me: Yup...and if your girlfriend is smart, she's going to call and ask for the recipe. She'll be all like...ring, ring, is this T-Monnie? And I'll be like...um...yes...and who is this. And she'll be like...I'm Elijah's girlfriend and he's sick so I wanted to get your recipe for chicken noodle soup.
E: If she's my girlfriend she'll know all I'll probably want is a ham and cheese Hot Pocket.
Shelly: You oughta see Mike (their new puppy). He just woke up from a nap and he is so happy. He's like Jill Scott when she says, "I woke up in the morning feeling fresh to death, I'm so blessed, yes, yes..."
Me: Whenever I think of Jill Scott I think of that video with her walking down the street about to get at old girl who hung up on her.
Shelly: Girl she was going to get that chick wasn't she?
Me: She was like..."DON'T BE PLAYING ON MY PHONE!"
Shelly: Old boy in the shower, he don't know what in the hell...
Me: He thought she was cooking breakfast and ish. Like...he come out and start sniffing..."HEY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE 'BOUT TO MAKE SOME FISH AND GRITS! JILL! JILL!"
Shelly: And she down the street.
Me: Walking like she was swinging a stick. That's all she was missing.
Shelly: My favorite part is when the lil boy puts the chair out to sit on and watch.
Me: Crowd done gathered and ish. They all 'bout it.
Shelly: Old boy at home mad.
Me: Done got dressed for work hungry and don't know where she is. Back out and see the crowd down the street.
Shelly: Now what would you do if a chick was calling your house hanging up and you know she lived right down the street?
Me: Go get her azz.
Shelly: Exactly. Dude be like...what the what?
Me: He get out his truck and go get Jill talking some..."Woman...you know we don't have to go there with her hell! Here I am thinking you fixing me some breakfast and you down the street messing with the coo-coo chick." Jill be like..."SHE GONE STOP PLAYING ON MY PHONE HELL!"
Shelly: A mess.
Me: Yeah...they might have to move.
Shelly: We done made a whole sequel to the video.
Me: It was good too. Somebody need to tell Jill. It ain't gonna be me. She on't like Robby.
This weekend we were discussing dating. One scenario in particular was about a 40something woman dating a 26 year old young man. My stance was hey...if he made her happy, they both grown. Fug the police. LOL!
oneblackman had a different take on it.
oneblackman: Monnie...in the jungle, what's worse than a cougar?
oneblackman: You know...like the baddest cat in the jungle.
Me: *THINKING* Hmmm...
oneblackman: I got it! A saber-tooth tiger! That's what she is. A saber-tooth tiger! Cuz she's mighty long in the tooth!
E's best friend K is another kid who brings me JOY! Seriously...JOY!
K: Ms. Monica? Did I ever tell you about the time I was burned and stabbed while making pizza?
SIP: DA HELL?
Me: Um...no. Please share.
K: I was taking the pizza out of the oven and my hand was too short so I was holding it awkward and it burned me. My mom heard me scream and came running with a knife in her hand and accidentally stabbed me.
SIP: DA HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL???????????????
Me: OH MY GOODNESS! WERE YOU OKAY?
K: Yes. But it's why a chill goes down my spine whenever I'm confronted with pizza.
SIP: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SLAIN IN THE SIP SPIRIT!
So I normally pick E and his bestie, K, up after cross country practice.
Practice is over at 4:30 so I generally leave the house at 4:30 since they have to go inside and get their backpacks from the locker room. By the time I get there...they are just walking out.
It's Homecoming Week this week and they have dress up days all week and the school is trying to keep it as light as possible on the kids so they can have fun.
Well...yesterday I had a conference call scheduled for 4:00 and I was in my office waiting on the call doing a bit of prep work when E calls at 3:50 to say they got out of practice early and they were ready to be picked up.
So I get in the truck and initiate my conference call while driving.
I'm on the call when I pull up to the school and...no E or K where they should be.
So I circle the parking lot, still on the conference call and come back around.
They aren't there.
I'm on the call.
I do this three more times.
I recognize other kids from their team but yeah...no E or K.
So I park right up front facing the gym.
I see K walk up to the front and look out into the parking lot and I honk the horn.
Dude looks right over me.
He beep-bops off.
I'm on the call still and...I'm dressed as I would only be dressed if I planned on seeing no one in the world besides people in my own home. Orange and black shirt, red and black plaid loungy pants and rain boots which were by the door on my way running out of the house.
In other words...I wasn't trying to get out of my truck.
The time now says 4:15.
And I'm annoyed.
I put the call on mute, get out of my truck and go inside.
I don't see E or K but I do see Coach.
Me: Coach...have you seen E and K?
Coach: Yeah...they were just right here.
He looks around.
They aren't there.
And then we see both of them coming from ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the way down the hallway.
KEE-KEEING AND SHOO-SHOOING...
I'm still on the call.
They see me, run to grab their stuff and follow me out.
We head out.
I'm still on the call and now I can participate.
They know to keep quiet because I have my "business" voice on.
I pull up to the house as I'm ending my call.
Me: Both of yall get out of the truck, drop and give me 50.
E and K: Yes ma'am.
When they finish their 50 pushups I ask:
Me: Do you know why you had to do 50 pushups?
K: Yes. Because we weren't where we were supposed to be.
Me: Exactly. I don't work as your personal driver so I shouldn't be waiting on you. If you call and say you're ready to be picked up...I should be able to drive through the pickup line and you should be ready. Don't do that again. I mean really...do you see how I'm dressed? I was NOT prepared to have to get outta my truck.
K: Yeah...it's a good thing it's Wacky Day Ms. Monica. You kinda looked like you were one of the kids from school picking us up.
And I burst out laughing and couldn't stop cuz really...that kid is just as funny as E. We all laughed.
SIP: I bet your azz makes sure you're not wacky dressed from now on huh?
Does it annoy you when you pick up your kids and they aren't where they are supposed to be?
Aunt: I don't think you've found it yet. Keep looking. In fact...I think you should go to New York and find something there.
Me: New York?
Aunt: Absolutely. In fact...maybe I should meet you there.
Me: In New York?
Aunt: Yes...why are you repeating everything I say?
Me: Um...sorry. But you want to meet me in New York to help me find an outfit when you know I've purchased 4 dresses, 2 jumpsuits, a suit, a couple of blouses and 3 pair of shoes so far to choose from.
Aunt: Exactly. I don't think you've found it yet. When should we go? And don't side eye me over this phone. I know how you and SIP get down.
E is standing near me talking about some Godzilla movie.
Robby passes by him and pushes him.
E stumbles a bit looking at him odd.
E: (laughing) Um...why?
Unca Robby: You need to always be alert. Be ready. Anything could happen and you need to be aware. You're at the age where you need to be pushed sometimes for no reason. That will teach you to stay on guard.
E: Where is Sundance again? Me: Park City, Utah. E: Utah is not a real state in my book. Me: Um...why? E: Cuz it's got a stoopit name. Me: Well what about Maryland? E: Apparently it's a terrible place to live. Me: Da hell? E: I was watching a television show and they threatened to send the guy to Maryland and he started having nightmares.
Unca Robby: I'm going to start calling you Malcolm.
E didn't really respond.
Unca Robby: Wait...do you even know who Malcolm is?
E: Some guy.
Unca Robby: SOME GUY? MALCOLM X! YOU DON'T KNOW WHO MALCOLM X IS?
E: Yeah...some guy who did some important stuff.
Unca Robby: WHAT ARE THEY TEACHING YOU AT THAT SCHOOL THAT YOU DON'T KNOW WHO MALCOLM X IS? I'm going find our copy of "The Autobiography of Malcolm X." I think it's on the shelf with "Notes of a Native Son."
Unca Robby (to me): What is Spike Lee's movie rated?
SIP: The irony of this conversation is mind boggling.
Me: Times like these I wish I had built in cameras always running.
SIP: E seems a bit confused.
Me: Hey...the kid knows the definition of 'IRONIC.' It was on his vocabularly list years ago.
During the school week, E comes to 13700 after school since his mother doesn't get off until 5:00pm. E gets here, does his homework, has his snack and gets to do whatever he wants after that. Usually...it's hang out with his friends.
He has a new friend who rides his bus but doesn't live in our development. The kid has visited before since the school year started and he's a nice kid...but just a bit...um...erra...AMUSING to observe.