Me: How was the car show?
E: I saw my dream car.
Me: What's your dream car?
E: A Ford Fusion.
Me: How was the car show?
E: I saw my dream car.
Me: What's your dream car?
E: A Ford Fusion.
Robby is getting sick so I'm making chicken noodle soup. E is sitting at the counter doing his homework and talking to me while I'm cutting up veggies.
Me: You just wait...one day, when you're a young man on your own you're going to get sick and you're going to wish you had some of your T-Monnie's homemade chicken noodle soup.
Me: Yup...and if your girlfriend is smart, she's going to call and ask for the recipe. She'll be all like...ring, ring, is this T-Monnie? And I'll be like...um...yes...and who is this. And she'll be like...I'm Elijah's girlfriend and he's sick so I wanted to get your recipe for chicken noodle soup.
E: If she's my girlfriend she'll know all I'll probably want is a ham and cheese Hot Pocket.
I'm in the tub and forgot that I hadn't replaced the towels yet.
Me: Would you bring me a towel?
Robby: Where are the towels?
Today is the Godson's birthday. One of his gifts is this cool, quirky Cubebot by David Weeks. It's exactly the sort of thing he likes. Random as heck and unique.
So...I showed Robby this morning and Robby was like...whatever...I bet it's not even cool.
I took it out of the box and made the robot make a few really cool poses. We were both geeking out at how cool it was and then...I tried to break it back down to put back in the box.
I kept trying.
Disgusted...I left it and walked away annoyed.
HOURS LATER...Robby comes downstairs.
Robby: I fixed the Cubebot.
Me: COOL! THANKS!
And hands me this:
Me: You want to go see the new Hunger Games movie when it comes out?
Me: Why not?
E: Because they missed an epic opportunity.
E: Yeah...it would have been exponentially better if they'd have held the Hunger Games in Jurassic Park.
Robby and I are sitting on the sofa.
He's watching ESPN.
I'm watching by proxy cuz HE'S watching.
He's been watching for a couple of hours now.
I look up and hear the same thing I heard not even an hour ago on ESPN.
Me: We already saw this.
Robby: No we didn't. They're just using the same footage.
Question: What is that box?
Answer: A hat box.
Question: What do you keep in it?
Framily: When did Fantasia get fine?
Me: Da hell?
Framily: I'm watching a video on VH1 Soul with Kelly and Missy and Fantasia wearing one of them Beyonce booty onesies and she's fine.
Me: Um...I have to see that video.
Framily: Bye...I'm going for a run.
Shelly: You oughta see Mike (their new puppy). He just woke up from a nap and he is so happy. He's like Jill Scott when she says, "I woke up in the morning feeling fresh to death, I'm so blessed, yes, yes..."
Me: Whenever I think of Jill Scott I think of that video with her walking down the street about to get at old girl who hung up on her.
Shelly: Girl she was going to get that chick wasn't she?
Me: She was like..."DON'T BE PLAYING ON MY PHONE!"
Shelly: Old boy in the shower, he don't know what in the hell...
Me: He thought she was cooking breakfast and ish. Like...he come out and start sniffing..."HEY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE 'BOUT TO MAKE SOME FISH AND GRITS! JILL! JILL!"
Shelly: And she down the street.
Me: Walking like she was swinging a stick. That's all she was missing.
Shelly: My favorite part is when the lil boy puts the chair out to sit on and watch.
Me: Crowd done gathered and ish. They all 'bout it.
Shelly: Old boy at home mad.
Me: Done got dressed for work hungry and don't know where she is. Back out and see the crowd down the street.
Shelly: Now what would you do if a chick was calling your house hanging up and you know she lived right down the street?
Me: Go get her azz.
Shelly: Exactly. Dude be like...what the what?
Me: He get out his truck and go get Jill talking some..."Woman...you know we don't have to go there with her hell! Here I am thinking you fixing me some breakfast and you down the street messing with the coo-coo chick." Jill be like..."SHE GONE STOP PLAYING ON MY PHONE HELL!"
Shelly: A mess.
Me: Yeah...they might have to move.
Shelly: We done made a whole sequel to the video.
Me: It was good too. Somebody need to tell Jill. It ain't gonna be me. She on't like Robby.
Shelly: I remember going to the Candy Lady and to get Dixie cups.
Me: The Candy Lady used to live next door to us but my daddy fell out with them so we had to sneak...
Me: Ain't nothing worse than having a quarter and wanting a pack of Now and Laters and 3 black and white cookies.
Did YOU have a neighborhood Candy Lady?
Me: Did you miss me?
E: You were gone?
E: Do we have any cinnamon?
Me: Why? It better not be to do that stupid cinnamon challenge. Folks have died from doing that.
E: Uh...how'd you know that's what I wanted it for?
Me: No cinnamon challenge. Only dumb people who want to die do that.
E: Can I do any of the challenges?
Me: Sure...you can do the pushup challenge all day and all night.
E: Ooooookay...I think I'll pass.
Me: You sure? You could start right now.
E: I'm sure.
SIP: Just when we were thinking he doesn't need constant supervision.
E: I just want you to know that I was just joking.
Me: I wasn't.
I walk outside to get my morning started and see my neighbor sitting on her deck reading.
Her: Good morning!
Me: Good morning! You're out early. Whatcha doing?
Her: Reading your book. Already mad at you.
Me: DA HELL?????
LOL! That seriously cracked me up this morning.
This weekend we were discussing dating. One scenario in particular was about a 40something woman dating a 26 year old young man. My stance was hey...if he made her happy, they both grown. Fug the police. LOL!
oneblackman had a different take on it.
oneblackman: Monnie...in the jungle, what's worse than a cougar?
oneblackman: You know...like the baddest cat in the jungle.
Me: *THINKING* Hmmm...
oneblackman: I got it! A saber-tooth tiger! That's what she is. A saber-tooth tiger! Cuz she's mighty long in the tooth!
E and K are talking. Well...K is talking. E is listening but doesn't look like he's listening.
K: You aren't listening to me are you?
E: Of course I'm listening. Congratulations on the baby. First root beer is on me.
Then E pretty much repeats every thing K said prior to the snark.
Whew...that was priceless!
I'm making smoothies and E rounds the corner as I'm putting in the spinach.
E: YOU PUT SPINACH IN THE SMOOTHIES?????????????
Me: (Crap...he caught me.) Yes.
E: IN SMOOTHIES YOU GIVE TO ME??????????????
E: I CAN'T TRUST YOU OR MY MOM ANYMORE!
Me: You caught your mom putting spinach in your smoothies too?
E: No. But I recently found out she's been putting mayonnaise in my tuna for years now and I don't eat mayonnaise!
Me: Dude...if she's been doing it for years...you eat mayonnaise.
E: Everything I believe in is being systematically destroyed.
Me: It's called growing up dude. It sucks. Sorry. Here's your smoothie.
E comes outside and sits down with with me. When I finish writing what I was writing at the time, I look up...
Me: What's up?
E: Nothing much...just came to see what you're doing.
Me: I'm writing. I thought you were going to hangout with K?
E: He's ignoring me.
Me: The hell? Why is he ignoring you? What did you do?
E: (extremely puzzled) Why does it have to be something I did? Why can't he just want to be alone because he's dealing with something that doesn't have anything to do with me?
Me: You're exactly right. And that is reason #1,453,286 why you're so awesome.
SIP: I can name 5 adults who should learn this lesson RIGHT.THIS.MINUTE.
Me: That kid is going to be such an awesome adult.
E: If I ever take over the world the first thing I'm doing is make a ham sandwich.
E: Yup. Ham, cheese, mustard, bread. Oh...and an ice tea.
Walk into office...
Me: Can you read the instuctions on this bottle to me?
The Robinator: You can't read this? Where are your glasses?
Me: Downstairs...just read them please.
The Robinator: Instuccciones de uso...
SIP: I swear I will hit you in the throat.
The Robinator: Apliquelo en cabello...
SIP: Give me the damn bottle hell.
The Robinator: Humedo que ha sido...
Dude was in tears he was laughing so hard. I currently ehat him.
E: I don't think I've ever had swordfish before.
Me: You've had it. You just didn't know that's what you were having.
E: Hmmmmmm. How often does that happen?
Me: Pretty often.
E: But I usually ask what something is if I don't recognize it.
Me: And you should question what you're eating same as you need to just eat what I put in front of you so you don't get cut.
E: Did I like the swordfish?
Me: Cleaned your plate and asked for seconds.
SIP: This kid is funny now that he's noticing stuff. LOL!
E's best friend K is another kid who brings me JOY! Seriously...JOY!
K: Ms. Monica? Did I ever tell you about the time I was burned and stabbed while making pizza?
SIP: DA HELL?
Me: Um...no. Please share.
K: I was taking the pizza out of the oven and my hand was too short so I was holding it awkward and it burned me. My mom heard me scream and came running with a knife in her hand and accidentally stabbed me.
SIP: DA HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL???????????????
Me: OH MY GOODNESS! WERE YOU OKAY?
K: Yes. But it's why a chill goes down my spine whenever I'm confronted with pizza.
SIP: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SLAIN IN THE SIP SPIRIT!
So I normally pick E and his bestie, K, up after cross country practice.
Practice is over at 4:30 so I generally leave the house at 4:30 since they have to go inside and get their backpacks from the locker room. By the time I get there...they are just walking out.
It's Homecoming Week this week and they have dress up days all week and the school is trying to keep it as light as possible on the kids so they can have fun.
Well...yesterday I had a conference call scheduled for 4:00 and I was in my office waiting on the call doing a bit of prep work when E calls at 3:50 to say they got out of practice early and they were ready to be picked up.
So I get in the truck and initiate my conference call while driving.
I'm on the call when I pull up to the school and...no E or K where they should be.
So I circle the parking lot, still on the conference call and come back around.
They aren't there.
I'm on the call.
I do this three more times.
I recognize other kids from their team but yeah...no E or K.
So I park right up front facing the gym.
I see K walk up to the front and look out into the parking lot and I honk the horn.
Dude looks right over me.
He beep-bops off.
I'm on the call still and...I'm dressed as I would only be dressed if I planned on seeing no one in the world besides people in my own home. Orange and black shirt, red and black plaid loungy pants and rain boots which were by the door on my way running out of the house.
In other words...I wasn't trying to get out of my truck.
The time now says 4:15.
And I'm annoyed.
I put the call on mute, get out of my truck and go inside.
I don't see E or K but I do see Coach.
Me: Coach...have you seen E and K?
Coach: Yeah...they were just right here.
He looks around.
They aren't there.
And then we see both of them coming from ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the way down the hallway.
KEE-KEEING AND SHOO-SHOOING...
I'm still on the call.
They see me, run to grab their stuff and follow me out.
We head out.
I'm still on the call and now I can participate.
They know to keep quiet because I have my "business" voice on.
I pull up to the house as I'm ending my call.
Me: Both of yall get out of the truck, drop and give me 50.
E and K: Yes ma'am.
When they finish their 50 pushups I ask:
Me: Do you know why you had to do 50 pushups?
K: Yes. Because we weren't where we were supposed to be.
Me: Exactly. I don't work as your personal driver so I shouldn't be waiting on you. If you call and say you're ready to be picked up...I should be able to drive through the pickup line and you should be ready. Don't do that again. I mean really...do you see how I'm dressed? I was NOT prepared to have to get outta my truck.
K: Yeah...it's a good thing it's Wacky Day Ms. Monica. You kinda looked like you were one of the kids from school picking us up.
And I burst out laughing and couldn't stop cuz really...that kid is just as funny as E. We all laughed.
SIP: I bet your azz makes sure you're not wacky dressed from now on huh?
Does it annoy you when you pick up your kids and they aren't where they are supposed to be?
Text from Shelly:
Shelly: Do you think I'm ghetto?
Me: Yes. Hoodtastic even.
Robby: We've got to do the same exact thing this week that we did last week.
Robby: Yes. So the Ravens can win.
Me: Is that why you're doing Jersey Thursday again?
Robby: Yes. We gotta go rollerskating again.
Robby: I'm calling Gladys...Gladys will go with me.
SIP: Gladys prolly would go with him though you know that right?
Me: Them damn Mississippians stick together no matter what so yeah...I know.
I was sitting out on the deck having some quiet time and The Robinator joins me at lunchtime with his personal laptop.
He goes to Facebook and notes I've just posted this article: 11 Things You Should Start Doing for Yourself Today
Him: What are the 11 things you should start doing for yourself today?
Me: Read the article and see hell!
Him: You did not just do number 8. You have work to do.
Me: What was number 8?
Him: NURTURE THE RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE WITH YOURSELF AND OTHERS
Me: Please stop talking to me. Seriously. PLEASE.
SIP: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT.SHAT.WAS.FUN-TAY!!!!!
Watching the U.S. Open with Robby before the Ravens game.
Robby: Is Wayne Brady gonna hafta Djokovic?
SIP: I quit.
CreoleInDC: a butterfly just scared the crap out of jaru
Friend: ain't worth a damn.
CreoleInDC: He in the house on the sofa now.
CreoleInDC: Trying to calm the fug down.
CreoleInDC: Breathing like it was a close call.
Friend: omg that made me laugh out loud
CreoleInDC: I swear that dog ain't ish.
Robby: Where's your Nikon?
Me: Over there.
Robby: Where's your Canon?
Robby: What camera did you use to take the pics on your blog today?
Me: My cellphone.
Robby: But you have a Nikon AND a Canon. Why are you using the damn crappy cellphone camera when you have two VERY good cameras?
Me: Hello to you too. Hope you had a good day.
Robby: Well I'm just saying it's ridiculous that's all. Those pictures are all blurry and look bad. Just makes no sense.
And then...he disappears upstairs...
Comes back downstairs...
Robby: Well? How was track practice?
Robby: That's because all you're used to is playing video games. I bet if you ran a race with your thumbs you'd win. How was school?
E: It wasn't great...it didn't kill me.
Robby: It's the first day of the rest of your life kid. You'd better get to liking it. Quickly.
No encouraging words. No jokes. No nothing even remotely Robby-ish.
He goes down to the mancave.
E looks at me.
I look at E.
I shrug my shoulders.
Lucy decides not to follow him.
Jaru comes upstairs FROM the mancave.
Yeah...dude came home in a BAD.MOOD.
How do you handle when YOUR normally awesome guy comes home in foul azz mood?
SIP: You gonna take some better pictures or what?
The Robinator: So...you just have to go gluten free? I'll do it with you. It would probably be good for me.
Me: You're going to go gluten free too? Aww honey! That's so sweet! You're going to give up beer to support me?
The Robinator: Yeah...um...no. I'm not doing that. Good luck.
There is nothing wrong with me...I'm perfectly healthy and yeah...I don't need no doctoring cuz BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABY!
I'm out on the deck relaxing, reading, emailing, etc.
SOMEBODY...I ain't gonna say no names...comes out to the deck looking all sheepish.
SOMEBODY: I'm going to fix the damn doorbell.
Me: Okay honey SOMEBODY!
SOMEBODY: It's been that long huh?
Me: *50s housewife smile*
SIP: Can I answer?
Me: NO SIP! SHUT IT!
SOMEBODY: I kinda like it that it's broken. *laugh*
Me: *50s housewife smile* and *blink*
SIP: We should thank the inboxer for initiating this action.
Me: *50s housewife smile* and *blink*
Monica Mingo whatchu doing?
Sissy Heading to MD
Sissy Whatchu doin?
Monica Mingo TEARING DOWN STEREOTYPES!
Monica Mingo FIGHTING FOR JUSTICE!
Monica Mingo and eating a fruity popsicle
Sissy LOL I can only imagine! You wearing your cape?!
Monica Mingo No. Too hot.
Monica Mingo Hence the fruity popsicle.
Aunt: I don't think you've found it yet. Keep looking. In fact...I think you should go to New York and find something there.
Me: New York?
Aunt: Absolutely. In fact...maybe I should meet you there.
Me: In New York?
Aunt: Yes...why are you repeating everything I say?
Me: Um...sorry. But you want to meet me in New York to help me find an outfit when you know I've purchased 4 dresses, 2 jumpsuits, a suit, a couple of blouses and 3 pair of shoes so far to choose from.
Aunt: Exactly. I don't think you've found it yet. When should we go? And don't side eye me over this phone. I know how you and SIP get down.
SIP: (mid-o_0) *GULP*
Monica Mingo: my husband needs a transplant
Kayla: What kind of transplant?
Monica Mingo: brain
Monica Mingo: he's crazy
Shelly: I have to go to the dermatologist.
Me: You breaking out from something?
Shelly: Ever since I had Cole I have breakouts on my arm.
Me: On ya arm?
Shelly: Chirren ruin ya.
Me: Goodbye Shelly.
Did any "weird" things start happening or change up for you after birth?
Me: I'M SO PROUD OF YOU! YOU GET A SURPRISE THIS WEEK! ANYTHING YOU WANT!
Me: What do you want?
E: (with evil, diabolical smile) Finland.
SIP: This kid is starting to scare me.
Shelly: Know what I'm starting to believe now?
Shelly: I'm starting to believe Tupac really is dead.
Shelly: I mean...he hasn't had any new music in a while.
Me: Bye Shelly.
E is standing near me talking about some Godzilla movie.
Robby passes by him and pushes him.
E stumbles a bit looking at him odd.
E: (laughing) Um...why?
Unca Robby: You need to always be alert. Be ready. Anything could happen and you need to be aware. You're at the age where you need to be pushed sometimes for no reason. That will teach you to stay on guard.
E: No...that will teach me how to be paranoid.
SIP: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I.LOVE.THAT.KID!
T-Rhonda: The lemonhead man died.
Me: T-Rhonda...Imma fight you. What are you talking about?
T-Rhonda: The lemonhead man died. You know...the man who created lemonheads.
Me: Bye T-Rhonda.
E: Where is Sundance again?
Me: Park City, Utah.
E: Utah is not a real state in my book.
E: Cuz it's got a stoopit name.
Me: Well what about Maryland?
E: Apparently it's a terrible place to live.
Me: Da hell?
E: I was watching a television show and they threatened to send the guy to Maryland and he started having nightmares.
Phone rings. I look down at the number that has been programmed into our home phone since we got the damn phones.
Me: What the hell you want?
Shelly: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm calling to check on that other person living on your forehead.
Me: Everybody got jokes.
Shelly: (breathing hard trying to push through the laughter) HOW IN THE HELL YOUR CLUMSY AZZ DO THAT TO YOUR HEAD??????? THE HELL? IMMA NEED YOU TO SIT DOWN SOMEWHERE HELL!
Me: Um...hmmmm...by the way...I won.
Shelly: So ho.
Five hours of phone conversation later...I took my drugs and went to bed.
SIP: So...yall used to break up every two years. This time it was about four years. Yall gonna stick to four again or ya gonna stretch it out to six?
Me: Shut up SIP.
Robby: Yall get on my nerves.
Unca Robby: I'm going to start calling you Malcolm.
E didn't really respond.
Unca Robby: Wait...do you even know who Malcolm is?
E: Some guy.
Unca Robby: SOME GUY? MALCOLM X! YOU DON'T KNOW WHO MALCOLM X IS?
E: Yeah...some guy who did some important stuff.
Unca Robby: WHAT ARE THEY TEACHING YOU AT THAT SCHOOL THAT YOU DON'T KNOW WHO MALCOLM X IS? I'm going find our copy of "The Autobiography of Malcolm X." I think it's on the shelf with "Notes of a Native Son."
Unca Robby (to me): What is Spike Lee's movie rated?
SIP: The irony of this conversation is mind boggling.
Me: Times like these I wish I had built in cameras always running.
SIP: E seems a bit confused.
Me: Hey...the kid knows the definition of 'IRONIC.' It was on his vocabularly list years ago.
Robby brings it to me because I'm rocking and rolling in my kitchen getting my lunch lady on.
Dr. Punkin: Whatchu doing?
Me: (WITH THROWED OFF LOOK ON MY FACE!!!!!) Um...cooking.
Dr. Punkin: Whatchu cooking?
Me: Punkin...I'm going to hang up now before I come upstairs and choke you with your headscarf.
SIP: Imma fight her.
During the school week, E comes to 13700 after school since his mother doesn't get off until 5:00pm. E gets here, does his homework, has his snack and gets to do whatever he wants after that. Usually...it's hang out with his friends.
He has a new friend who rides his bus but doesn't live in our development. The kid has visited before since the school year started and he's a nice kid...but just a bit...um...erra...AMUSING to observe.
A friend was leaving 13700 yesterday and stopped and took a good long look at this:
Friend: I'm confused. What's going on here?
Me: Well...I removed the curtains and had them cleaned. Then...I got them back and was putting them back up when the phone rang...three weeks ago.
Friend: Did you three weeks ago?
Me: I'm not proud of it. It was lovely seeing you again.
Me: Drive safe! Toodles!
E: T-Monnie is there any gumbo left?
Me: For you? Of course. For other people? No. The pot is empty. Let me fix you a bowl.
Me: Remember when you were 7 or 8 and you didn't think you liked gumbo?
E: Yeah...but that's only because it looked like polluted soup.
Me: Polluted soup? Seriously?
E: Yeah. Now I know it is polluted...WITH FLAVOR!
SIP: That kid's funny.
Let's see how yall stack up in comparison to the humans at 13700.
Are these commercials:
B: Not Funny
What do you think The Robinator thinks?
What do you think I think?
Me: Dude...it's almost Halloween. What are you going to be this year? You know that's our holiday.
E: I don't know.
Me: What about Harry Potter?
Me: You know...since you now wear glasses.
E: Naw...Harry Potter is a loser. A magic loser.
SIP: TELL 'EM WHY YOU MAD SON! YOU STANS FOR HARRY AND E JUST CRAPPED ALL OVER HIM! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: Whatever...Harry is cool. Humph.