In 4 days, I had 3 SEPARATE conversations with people about 3 different family reunions and the potato salad. The first conversation was general and basic conversation kinda. They were texting back and forth with their sister about who was making the potato salad.
The second time...somebody was MAD.ABOUT.IT! Apparently, in their family, someone who was not an APPROVED family potato salad maker, put themselves down as the event potato salad bringer. I listened to them PASSIONATELY discuss this chain of events all the while astonished that...you know what? THIS WAS THE REAL DEAL HOLYFIELD BEEF going on.
Third time I was brought up to speed on an argument about the potato salad and the person telling me was so mad...she couldn't even get it out.
And I started laughing which made her side eye the hell outta me but I just couldn't stop laughing cuz I couldn't believe I was being privy to this many conversations about potato salad and family reunions! AND IT BROUGHT ME HAPPY, HAPPY, JOY, JOY!
PLEASE REMEMBER THAT I AM CRAZIER THAN A DAMN BESSIE BUG AND ALWAYS, ALWAYS WILL BE!
This damn video oneblackman sent us today has got to be the funniest ish my sick azz has seen all year. I laughed sooooooooo hard that I start laughing just THINKING about it. This one minute thirty eight second video is the funniest thing in the WORLD to my crazy, sick, demented azz. Yup...what yall already knew. Monica Mingo IS crazy and always will be. Yes indeed.
Now...we shouldn't have even STARTED watching once we saw the beginning shot of dude with the biggest damn bandaids we've ever seen on his face. But click we did.
"This ain't no regular night."
That was the second indication that we should'nt have watched. When the name Martez rolled through...we should've collectively stopped the video and logged off of the COMPRUTER or put it away if you were on a LABTOP. Martez gave his entire interview with his bluetooth earpiece in. Yerp. Yet ANOTHER indication.
Martez: Men tryna look like wymen. Bandaider: Drag queens. Martez: Drag queens. Transeshua. Whut dey were.
And things started getting a little strange.
Martez: Dey come to da winda...tap, tap, tap...I'm still ignorin...talking noiz to em. So I git deyr just pissed em off even worser.
Now at this point you know something strange went down with some gay guys dressed like women. Cuz really...we don't know if they are transsexuals right? I mean...I don't think anyone got nekkid...I guess we can call them Drag Queens...but let's move on shall we?
Cuz when old girl breaks in and says the following in her VERY proper and VERY idiomatically correct lingo AFTER listening to Martez? This is when I FALL THE FUG OUT ON THE DAMN SOFA KEELING OVER LIKE I JUST CAN'T GO NO MO!
Reporter: Three drag queens jumped out of the car, ran into the restaurant armed with a tire iron and started swinging at employees. But not before they disrobed.
OKAY...THAT RIGHT THERE? THAT RIGHT THERE? D.E.A.D. DAMMIT! DEAD! Kill me now! I wonder how many times she had to do that damn voiceover? I mean really! I'd have to repeat that shit like fifty-lleven times to say it with a straight face and a solo alto voice. SERIOUSLY!
And what makes it even FUNNIER? At 0:43 when you see a boot on the floor with two big azz hoop earrings lying next to the CAUTION WET FLOOR sign.
Dammit...somebody come get me please! I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING!
Since I can't stop laughing I don't know what in the HELL the policeman is saying...but when we get back to Martez...I stifle my laugh cuz I just GOTTA hear what's next. Why? Cuz you just KNOW Martez bout to TELL IT!
Martez: He swung. Hit my manaja. My manaja swung hit back. So den win-whee star comin up. So dey step back. Git to taking off dey shoes. Boots.
***INSERT SIP COMMENTATION HERE*** Yall see how he ackin like he taking off shoes and boots????? See how his shoulders dipping and shit? Okay...that's all I wanna say right now.
Martez (continued): No-whu-I'm-sayin. Wha-eva-else they had do doo to feel satisfied to fight. (I ain't gonna say nuttin here. Imma just point out the satisfaction MUST have been reached cuz it started going DOWN!)
So lawd...then Po Albert get mauled. That's not my words. Those are the words of the reporter. MAULED. And baaaaaaby...old boy got the bandaids to prove it! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I.CAN'T.BREEEEEEEEEETTTTHHHHHEEEEEEEEE!
Albert get to damn near shadow boxing trying to tell his story.
Now...when the manager threw the hot FRENCH FRY grease at them I lost it A.GAIN! I musta laughed for a good ten damn minutes the first time I watched this video. I laughed so hard I missed the part about the manager being smashed in the head with a CAUTION WET FLOOR sign.
KILL.ME.NOW. Please. No...seriously. Kill me. Cuz my stomach is hurting so bad from laughing I cannot breathe. LOLOLOLOLOLOL!
Then the drag queens went back out...bashed in the drive thru window and rolled out.
Now...I wanna pernt sumptin out to you. Martez. Po Albert got mauled. Bandaids all over his lil face and ish. The manager got tooken (yes...I said tooken) to the hospital and Martez? NOT A DAMN SCRATCH! Half his collar a bit popped...but that's all. Po Albert already said he was trying to protect him from the drag queens and all this AFTER...it sounded like MARTEZ'S AZZ was the one who initially started fuggin with the drag queens. I mean...he was at the window right? And that's where it started right?
Martez done started some ish and got his Mickey Deez crew jumped, mauled and smacked around that damn wet floor...and his azz still has his bluetooth headset on.
What have we learned here boys and girls? MARTEZ AIN'T SHIT! YEAH I SAID IT! MARTEZ AIN'T SHIT! Oh...and I know there is a drag queen in Memphis mad as HELL bout their jacket and boot. One boot. Oh...and hoop earrings.
From now on...when I'm bout to start some ish with someone...Imma start off by saying..."TAP, TAP, TAP." That is all.
I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum i luvum...
SIP: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I LOVE THAT WOMAN SO! LOL!