I totally understood what she said about Dan Cathy making it so you can't look the other way anymore. I get that. I TRULY get that. Also...I wouldn't want someone I love, who happens to be gay, to ever think I loved and supported processed chicken more than I loved and supported them. So yeah...I'm good on no more Chick-Fil-A for me. He can choose his beliefs and I can choose where I spend my money and it's just that simple.
Hey...it was the only fast food restaurant I still go to anyway because I LURVE me some waffle fries so yeah...it's not like it's going to kill me and I'm sure my 6 piece kids pack with lemonade isn't going to bend them at breaking point.
What information do you keep to yourself early on while dating someone?
I just straight up blogged that over in Ms. Smart's comments. LOL! I know...I have issues.
I hear this so often that I don't think people realize what it says about them.
Person: We're friends. (With a goofy azz smile on their face that lets you know they are most certainly NOT just friends mind ya...)
Makes me wonder.
I wonder about the person who is sans ropasing and dating someone for 3, 6, 9 months plus...and yet...talking about them in "friend" terms.
Where did that ish come from? Has the natural progression of a relationship deteriorated to the point where no one respects anyone enough to consider them MORE than just a "friend?"
When did this start happening? Grown folks with sense...referring to the person they APPEAR to have a relationship with...as just a FRIEND? Does this indicate a lack of respect for relationships? Have relationships TRULY deteriorated into um...erra...NOTHING? Are women agreeing to this label just so they don't rock a boat? How are people getting from "friend" to girl/boyfriend status these days?
Have YOU noticed this bullish too?
(Yall can miss me with this ish by the way hell...)
Apparently it's February 1, 2010. (I had to check the calendar to be sure.) Apparently February 1st is a day of angst for lots of people because it means Valentine's Day is two weeks away and they are certain they won't have a date on that day.
I was Twitting with a friend recently who shared with me how much she hates Valentine's Day because it's like a mockery of being single and it just makes you feel more alone.
That bothered me and, of course...I wish she didn't feel that way.
But she does.
That said...I wonder if anyone here has any tips for single people to have a date by Valentine's Day? Two weeks is enough time right? Is two weeks enough time? Anyone have any tips on how to get out and maximize your socializing to get a date on Valentine's Day? How do YOU feel about Valentine's Day?
I've done a lot of thinking on the state of dating in the past couple of days based on some emails I received and read over the holiday weekend. I know my philosophy of dating and I know how well it worked for me. I also know the dating philosophy of most of my girls and I know that there is a lot that women like my girls and I don't take into consideration that my MALE friends do.
I automatically know that men are going to approach me. I know this because of the consisitency of it in my life. Sometimes it's so predictable it's hilarious but I'm used it so it's not even conversational fodder anymore.
I never think of how this would be if I were NOT me. NOT uber confident. NOT outgoing. NOT personable. And yall...there are a lot of women for whom this is a problem. They don't walk with their heads high. They don't have anything about their initial appearance that says..."Hi." They just walk though life not being noticed by anyone other than someone looking for someone with obvious low self esteem so they may shat on them.
I'm trying to work through in my head what I'm trying to say and it hasn't come to me yet. I do know that for the women I have been pondering...waiting and not being more aggressive isn't working for them and I'm trying to figure out what could so I'm pouring through my archives looking for stuff to create conversation regarding and yet...as always...only the MOST confident are commenting. LOL! And yall don't need no dang dating advice hell. ROFL!
Help me figure out what I'm trying to say. I found out I'm not pregnant on Sunday and that is all up in my head befuddling my words and I can't get em out right. I'm sure it's only temporary but I didn't want the women in question to wait on me to get my shit together before I addressed their queries.
"How's that working for you?"
So...I'm going to ask this question to yall because we have a wonderful group of married, single, dating, etc. women and men that comment. (AND...definitely far less simple minded folks since the simple minded have been run off by SIP posing as me. :))
Do you think a woman should wait on a man to call them? Should she let the man lead in dating? Or is it okay to focus date with purpose?
When I was dating...I didn't have a problem speaking to a good looking man first. I'd learned very early on that men are intimidated by me and wouldn't approach me confidently. I don't know why seeing as though I think I'm friendly and whatnot but that's the honest truth and everyone knows that men can't STAND rejection.
Sure...men would look...but they never approached. They might be standing right beside me and we'd share a joke over something people watching-ish but that's the furthest it would go. Later when I'd ask why I always got some throwed off answers:
"You looked like you had a man."
"You looked high maintenance."
"You didn't look like someone who would give me the time of the day."
Being a woman with men as best friends I think I had an edge over most women because I was fluent in "man-speak." LOL!
Most women wouldn't say hi which, at the time, was good for me. Why? MORE INVENTORY FOR YA GIRL TO CHECK OUT THAT'S WHY! LOL!
I have been known to send a guy a drink and smile at him across the room. Why? Why not. Do you KNOW how many times men have attempted to buy me drinks? I might not have accepted them...but they got my attention every single time. They might not have been my type...but they got my attention every single time. Eye contact...no less.
So...why NOT send a guy a drink? Why NOT get a guy's attention, assimilate whether or not he's single, single...and get exchange numbers? Why NOT make the first move?
Now I'll admit to being a woman not into chasing men...BUT...I do agree that a woman needs to show interest or she'll be passed over. QUICKLY. Why? Cuz there are a whole lot of single woman out there.
Nobody is saying to start ripping off your damn shirt and flashing folks and whatnot...but hey...what's wrong with showing interest? It always worked for me. I've never been one to be dateless or without a man for very long. And maybe...just maybe...it's why the odds were always in my favor.
So tell me. What do you think the roles are in 2007 regarding dating for men and women? Is being "old-fashioned" by not approaching or calling guys working for you?Married women...did you do anything UNCONVENTIONAL to catch the eye of YOUR guy?
I love having debates with single men about relationships. I love letting them set themselves up...like watching their audience ooh and aah over what they have to say like they are spouting some serious knowledge that all of us wee women need to sit back and listen to so we can be better do better.
You know...cuz single men know everything and have single women's best interest at heart.
You can miss me with that shit.
I love letting them get all that ish out there and then pounding them with some SERIOUS ish that makes them sit back and scratch their head...you know why right?
Cuz the next thing to come out their mouth will be something smug along the lines of...well that's prolly why you're single...cuz you got that bitter Black woman thing going for you.
And then? BAM! I'm happily married fool...now what? Oh...you ain't got nuttin to say now huh? I'm the type of woman you CLAIM you are looking for but now your azz knows that a woman like me peeps your game and PEEPED your game back in the day and said LATER.FOR.YOU.
You don't know shit from shinola. You keep trying to spout that ish like you have a halo over your head and now you know that folks think you're a damn joke SO YOU GOTTA GET A DUMBER AUDIENCE. Seriously. Ain't nobody WITH SOME SENSE trying to hear all of that hell. You can mess around if you want to playing those games backing away from starting a family THE RIGHT WAY and building a legacy of excellence. Your azz gonna be the old dude alone with no one to take care of you...THE RIGHT WAY.
Men...Imma need yall to start ACKIN RIGHT. All that ish about Black women having too much baggage makes me laugh. Why? Cuz trust me when I say...when yall show up at a hotel...yo azz will need a bellman with a baggage cart too.Seriously.
Own your shit and shit might get better.
Back when I was dating I went through cycles. There would be times when I'd have a date a weekend, four dates a weekend, no dates a weekend. It was pretty much hit or miss according to how much I was focused on meeting someone.
The key here are the words DATING and DATES.
When I wasn't exclusive with someone...I WASN'T. Period. I kept my options open and I was me with everyone. There were some dudes who thought I was fly and some dudes who knew right off the bat they couldn't deal with my brand of me. And vice-versa...except...in my world...the only thing that mattered was what I THOUGHT. Period.
I've always thought I was the shit.
I believe in love. I believe in soul mates. I believe with all of me that there is someone for everyone. With all my heart I believe this. If they find each other however? Well...that's a whole nudder story.
I sit and listen to girlfriends and guy friends talk about the dating scene as well as read about it on blogs and whatnot. It seems to be more difficult for some than I would have thought it would be and it seems that there are a lot of folks who have stopped actually DATING even though they are going out on dates.
Cuz what they are doing damn sure ain't dating if you ask me.
(Don't keep doing the same shit. It's foolish. Learn from your lessons please and from others around you.)
One thing I will never be mad at is a woman who falls off the bike, dusts herself off and tries again. As women, we know ourselves and we know what we want and I know every single woman I know would love to have someone who compliments their life who loves them unconditionally.
I can't knock that. I WON'T knock that. Ain't no way in hell anyone SHOULD knock that, especially someone who knows how good REAL love can be.
When you have real love you want it for everyone. I promise. (Unless it's YOUR husband talking bout some damn soul mate that AIN'T you. Whatever for you playa.) That feeling of being loved and in love is so powerful that it creates the most beautiful space within you to want it for EVERYONE knowing that only good would come out of as many people as possible feeling that kind of love.
I never thought I would be able to say that I appreciated my parent's relationship as much as I find I do today. I know that sounds odd since you know how they ended up but it's true. I believe the dysfunction of their relationship gave me an advantage in the dating department cuz I had time to think about what I would NEVER, EVER, EVER deal with and...it kinda made me a bit evil when it came to dating. Because of this, the kid wasn't into all that crazy shit and riffraff picked up on that really quick. Oh yeah...I'm crazy. Trust. And I have every reason to be.
But everyone doesn't have that edge. (That might be a good thing I know.)
I always tell folks to remember that they are the common denominator in constant crazy ish. If you find you're always dealing with crazy dudes...I need you to do an honest evaluation of yourself and your dating style and figure out why.
Is it HOW and WHERE you're meeting them?
Is it your conversation?
Is it what you tell them about yourself right off the bat?
Is it that you accepted some disrespect and gave him the benefit of doubt when he didn't deserve that yet CUZ YOU DON'T FUGGIN KNOW HIM?
Is it that you answered the phone too late? Allowed him in your home too soon? Had sans ropas thinking it meant something instead of KNOWING it did?
Is it that you were cool with that texting shit? (This ish AIN'T appropriate when getting to know someone okay? STOP DOING THAT SHIT!)
So yeah...the only person who can answer these questions is you, you and you.
And the only person who can fix this about you is...(DRUMROLL PLEASE)...you.
Again...I ain't gonna ever knock a woman for getting back up and trying. I ain't gonna call her stoopit, nor am I going to let anyone else do so around me. I'm going to continue to remind people that you can't blame a woman for continuing to try if her goal is that she wants to be in a loving, lasting relationship. There is not a woman alive that doesn't hope, pray and believe that THIS first date will be the LAST first date.
And ain't nothing wrong with believing.
Keep hope alive and keep getting back up on that bike until you no longer need your helmet and pads.
You've been online dating.
You get a wink from someone.
You wink back.
They send you an email.
You send one back.
You email back and forth for a couple of days.
On Day 3...you get this email from the person:
If only I could have come up with the right words to describe the depth of this beautiful feeling that I have for you, I would have whispered them to you the first time i saw your profile on blackpeoplemeet. The best thing that I can do is to show you now.
I love you so much, Sweetie. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. You are like the best poetry ever composed, the best song ever played, the best picture ever painted. I never thought that someone like me could get so lucky!
I love you more than my life, more than my world. I love you more and more each day and that is the most wonderful feeling any man can ever hope to experience.
I have no other words to describe the way you make me feel. No words, no actions could even come close. I believe that Ronald Regan said it best to Nancy in a letter, telling her only that, "I more than love you". Their love was a strong love, surviving everything, even death. I believe that even after his passing, Nancy felt Ronald's love for her raining down upon her. That is why she has always seemed at peace after the death of such a truly loving husband. That is the love that I feel for you.
Thank you, What more can a man say to the woman who opened her heart to him, allowing him to feel the warmth of her love across the great distance that separates them? You truly have no idea what I feel for you.
What do you do?
You're on a first date.
Your date takes you to dinner.
After dinner, your date pays the check.
You then go to another spot in the city.
You stop and sit at a bench.
Talking and stuff.
You're having a good time with him.
Yall arrive at the spot you guys were headed to for drinks and dessert.
It's right by a Metro stop.
You caught the Metro there as did your date.
Your date orders drinks for both of you.
Reaches for wallet.
Wallet is missing.
Your date can't find wallet.
What SHOULD happen next?
Would you YOU feel comfortable doing for your date?
Would anything about this scenario make you suspicious?
UPDATE AS OF NOVEMBER 26, 2012: http://creoleindc.typepad.com/rantings_of_a_creole_prin/2012/11/update-on-the-brian-wedgeworth-scenario-saga.html
Yall know how I love some WHAT IF scenarios. See...I hear about these things and I wonder what someone else would do if they were in the shoes of who it supposedly happened to. It's always cool to see the different responses of folks and see how they would handle said situation IF IT REALLY HAPPENED.
This particular what if scenario is one such that if you choose to copy and paste it onto your blog, post the link on your Facebook and Tweet it on Twitter so that others may chime in as well as to what they would do if something like this ever happened to them...that would be cool as a white box fan.
Cuz you know...if stuff like this is true...then the more folks who know about it...the better.
Yall know I don't get into the interracial dating debate cuz it annoys me. Yall know I don't talk about why my husband is White. Cuz that shit annoys me too. The answers to those two issues for me is so simple that folks can't believe it's real.
I think people should date whoever the hell they wanna date be it man or woman of any skin color. My husband is White cuz his parents are White.
"What's it like being married to a White guy?"
ANSWER: I wouldn't know the difference as I have nothing to compare it to(PERIOD)
I get this question far more regularly than I ever thought I would. People are funny.
And they are bold as hell.
A homeowner good credit six feet tall muscular bald head loves him mama is a Christian drives a nice enough car has money in the bank college educated has a career and not a job loves his parents is from a two parent home has wonderful friends doesn't have any children never married between the ages 30-40 never been arrested likes sports but doesn't love it enjoys walks on the beach in the rain brings me flowers all the time has excellent taste puts gas in my car loves animals wants to be a father is excellent with children doesn't play video games doesn't play games loves to travel is an excellent cook loves to clean is good in bed and accepts me as I am.
And accepts me as I am.
And accepts me as I am.
And accepts me as I am.
Now I'm not saying that I think a woman shouldn't have what she wants to have...it's her prerogative to want what she wants...but I wonder if some folks are being realistic in their expectations. Mr. Perfect has expectations TOO and you might not fit the bill.
Do you keep looking for Mr. Perfect?
What if, on paper, you're REALLY only a 5...would someone you think is a 10 date you?
What if, on paper, you're a 7 and met someone who is a 6 based on your criteria?
What if he was an 8 until you found out about his terrible relationship with his child's mother...does he only fall 1 point or does he fall 2? Or 3?
What if YOU don't own a home? Can you REALLY expect a man you want to date to own one?
What if YOU don't have a career? Can you SERIOUSLY expect a man to have a career too?
What if YOU have a child?
You see where I'm going with this right?
Do you want to much? Are you turning down potentially great guys because you don't think they have the qualifications you feel you DESERVE to have in a man? Do you have the qualifications yourself?
Could you date YOU, if you were a man, based on your quals?
Well, she had this look about her. Like she'd be someone I'd know. Pretty lady, nice smile, dressed neat.
I decided I was going to like her and we chatted even though she also brought up Michael Baisden and yall know how much I love THAT cancer too. LOL!
She shared with me a situation with one of her friends who is dating an apparent nice guy. The nice guy wanted to do something nice for her and decided he was going to cook dinner for her. He'd been cooking all day using the oven when she arrived and she walked into a hot house. The first words out of her mouth were: "DAMN IT'S HOT UP IN HERE! WHAT IN THE HELL?" (Or something like that.) To which he responded, "Well, hello to you too."
Now for dinner he asked her what she'd like him to cook and she told him whatever he cooked would be fine. He cooked some kind of chicken with curry. The young lady felt he used too much curry and basically told him, "UM, I DON'T LIKE THIS. THERE IS TOO MUCH CURRY ON IT AND IT TASTES NASTY."
And...she did it with that TONE.
And now she's wondering what's what.
Now I don't know much about the rest of their relationship so I can't speak on anything else but I'm thinking about this attitude on this particular incident and I'm wondering how in the WORLD did she get the guy interested in the first place. You don't keep that kinda attitude under wraps for long ya know? It is very obvious and usually infects everything you do.
WATCH YO MOUF.
There is a way to say everything folks and you should strive to do it in as nice a way as possible. If you feel like you CAN'T say anything nice...THEN DON'T.
Let's take the young lady from yesterday who has a problem with sans ropasing with her guy. Everyone was in complete agreement that she tell him how she feels but no one touched on her TONE while telling him. See...some things should be handled with care because there are some things a man is going to take personal and dwell on for days and weeks and months to come.
Questioning his sincerity, his generosity and his bedroom action are among a few. A man who wanted to cook dinner for you and was filled with the momentum of his action is going to change before your very eyes when he meets your disdain immediately. A man who thought he was throwing it down in the bedroom is going to take it REALLY personal if you come at him crazy.
Food for thought.
There is a way to say anything folks.
We should strive to be as nice and as thoughtful as possible when dealing with someone you're in a relationship with. Don't go off popping off at the lips and snapping yo neck and ish all the time.
You're going to end up alone.
WATCH YO MOUF.
What say you?
(To be continued...)
There are a lot of reasons why there are so many single people in the world. We can blame it on the media, television, disproportionate differences in values, wants, likes and dislikes among single people.
We can blame your mother, your father, your lack of mother or lack of father.
We can blame your credit score, your job, your outlook on life.
We can blame your religion, your weight, your fashion sense.
We can blame your long hair, your short hair, your lack of skills in the kitchen.
We can blame where you live, how long your commute is, the type of people you work with.
We can blame a lot of stuff.
The real reason, however, is probably the REALLY, REAL reason and folks just never, EVER consider the real reason is viable.
I think there is a lot wrong with dating these days and I won't lie when I say I thank God on a regular basis that He sent me my guy when he did. I mean yeah...I'm sure that dating has always has it's problems. I mean hell...I read Jane Eyre ya know? It's just that it seems to be a perfect storm of events right now what with Black males in NY having an unemployment rate of 50%. That ish just ain't right. TELL ME IT'S RIGHT! I DARE YOU!
N E WAY...
A lot of dating woes can be traced to the fact that guys think they are every.single.thing when they are the most fugged up things walking around. The thing that keeps these kinds of dudes afloat however, is that they have perfected the art of getting up in the head of women who have their own doubts about themselves in the first place. A bit is already unraveled and they end up tearing themselves to shreds by providing the evidence that they never believed they were worth anything better anyway.
And that cycle continues.
Just like a lot of dudes ain't shit...a lot of women ain't shit either. And a lot of them are CLUELESS to the fact that they SERIOUSLY ain't shit.
I remember hearing someone say that a dude didn't seem to show any interest in them and I asked them, "Well? Are you interesting?"
And I didn't get an answer. I thought about what I knew of the person and, to be honest, she's not all that interesting. She goes to work. She goes out with her friends. She goes on occasional dates. She doesn't seem to be well read, smart or up on current events. I've never seen her take more than a perfunctory interest in politics other than saying she was for Obama. She's never expressed why. She never seems to talk about anything but about finding a man. Finding a man. FINDING A MAN.
And it makes you wonder what she talks about when she's WITH a man.
Sports? Nerps. She ain't into that either...I think. I guess. Hell...I don't know cuz, to be honest, I've never thought about her all that much cuz...as I stated before...SHE AIN'T INTERESTING.
How in the HELL are you going to hold someone's interest if your azz ain't interesting? How in the hell are you going to make someone want to spend time with you if you can't contribute shit to the conversation other than picking out a DVD? What do you talk about if you don't know shit?
How do you feel about global warming? What about the economic crisis? How do you feel about education reform? Health care reform? Do you even know WHY we were taken into Iraq? What about Afghanistan? How do you feel about the environment?
Do you give a damn about anything other than yourself and finding a man?
Which you WON'T find.
Cuz your azz ain't interesting. Not in the least. And hell...I know DOCTORS who are single. DOCTORS. And they are INTERESTING!
Gossip ain't current affairs playa and I doubt if you're a supermodel twin so that it becomes unnecessary for you to be interesting. You seriously have to keep a guy's interest and if a man thinks you're textbook typical there is nothing worse in his eyes. He might as well call you a chicken head even though you have a 9 to 5 sitting behind a desk where you have NO.AMBITION. to do better...be better.
Lemme tell you something about that kinda life. Nobody wants to see themselves in a life with someone who doesn't challenge them or make them want to be a better person. Nobody. AND...
IT WILL BECOME BLATANTLY OBVIOUS THAT YOUR STANCE OF THINKING YOU ARE THE SHIT IS MERELY SMOKE AND MIRRORS.
Some guys think too highly of themselves and some chicks think too highly of themselves too. Most folks look to come up with the next one and if you're the come up...wow...I'm scared of your predecessor.
The cool thing about this, however, is that as soon as you realize you really AIN'T shit...you can do better...be better. Pick up a book. Watch a press conference. Listen to NPR. Have more going for you than what you THINK is sex appeal cuz that's what every other chick who ain't interesting is trying for too cuz they know they ain't got shit else to stack up.
And then...maybe...just MAYBE...someone will stick around long enough to watch a season change with you.
To be continued...
When I was single I didn't go out much, but when I did...it was with a purpose. I didn't go to the latest club because that wasn't the place I went on the regular so the chances of me meeting a guy that was my type of guy in them were slim to nothing.
It would NEVER happen.
I went to nice restaurants that had bars and were at a certain price point. I did NOT hang around at the chain restaurant bars cuz again...those wouldn't be my kinda guy. I don't like chain restaurants and didn't want some guy thinking it was okay to take me to one on a date. Would seem kinda hypocritical telling him that I don't eat at them when he met my azz there huh? LOL!
When I did hit a place it was in the type of area I felt comfortable being in and I never hung out with a group of women.
What's that you say Monnie? You didn't kick it with your girls?
That's not what I said.
There is a time and a place for everything and there was always time to kick it with my girls but not when I was looking to meet someone. Why?
Too much competition.
Most of the time I'd hang out with one of my guys and whomever they were dating at the time or one of my guys and a MINIMUM of one other girlfriend ONLY. Wasn't gonna be all that many chicks at the table to make a guy stay away for fear of being rejected in front of too many women. Nor wasn't gonna be any him having to break it down by body style as to which of us he was going to approach if he DID get the courage to roll up on a group of women out and about.
I also found that when I was with my girls I was more likely to be in my party and super fun mode so a guy meeting me then was NOT really meeting the me that I am when I'm in man mode. In man mode I'm quieter, much more laid back. Calm and paying attention to the man, letting him be the lead.
Hey...I can be silly and when I'm usually with my friends my main goal is to make sure they are okay and having a good time. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with kicking it with your girls all the time but just recognize that a group of single women together lessens your odds of meeting someone GREATLY.
I hope you're thinking about dating with a purpose. I hope you know that sometimes...it's not all coincidental. Sometimes dating is as staged as Broadway. Take this from me and from every woman who has ever accidentally dropped something so a man would stop and show her some chivalry.
What do YOU think about dating with a purpose? Do you recognize that your odds are better with only one girlfriend for meeting a guy when you're out and about?
I'm not a big p.o.r.n watcher. Never have been really. Sure, I've see porn, but it wasn't ever really my thing. Watching strangers sans ropas (without clothes) is just NOT what I'm all about. I don't want to know all that about someone. I remember walking in on someone in the midst of sans ropas once and I was MORTIFIED! Scarred me for a good bit lemme tell ya.
Being a p.o.r.n star doesn't seem like a good goal to have in life either. Sure, some of them end up making lots of money but I feel like they lost a lot of their pride along the way until they were comfortable with that false bravado they strut with.
Or maybe that's just what I sense.
The thing I will say, however, is that they have put in the work to become a p.o.r.n star. Seems like they took the old adage, "practice makes perfect" to heart.
Some people act like they have ambitions of being a p.o.r.n star cuz they are sure getting qualified.
Folks think I'm a prude but I'm not. I just never believed in all that sleeping around ish. I've always known that I like the finer things in life and sans ropas WITH real emotions and feeling is just soooooooooooooooooooo lovely.
Why in the WORLD would I want anything else? Hell...if you're just trying to get off, you can do that ish yourself WITHOUT the risks involved in sans ropasing with someone you don't know well enough to give a key to.
I understand that sexting has become the thing to do. That folks send naked pics of themselves across the internet and phone lines. Sounds like something p.o.r.n stars do to me.
Walks like a duck...
I watch people all the time and I wonder just how many women know that they are leading with sex as the dangled carrot. I see it all the time, and yet...these women don't see it. The place you see this the most is when drinks are involved. Women start leaning over more, start exaggerating that wiggle, slide their tongue around their lips and whatnot. Yeah...they put it full on. These women know what they are doing but what they fail to realize is that if you keep on doing the same shit...you'll keep on getting the same results. You'll continue to find yourself in bed with a man who has no commitment to you and who can put his pants on and walk away from you without a second thought as to your feelings, as to your emotions, as to being respectful TO YOU. Because him being in your bed had nothing to do with respecting yourself.
You need to be careful that you're not leading a "connection" with sex.
Sex is the most intimate thing we do with a person. Do you ever THINK about it? It's the only time when someone is actually JOINED with us. I love that back in the day they used to call it coupling. The act of joining together to form a couple. And no...they don't mean for just a few minutes either.
As long as you are casual with your body, men are going to be casual with it too. If you continue coupling and then one day look up and realize that you haven't had a real relationship in a long time...I hope you recognize this as the sign it really is.
Stop having your main relationship-ish qualification be that you're good.in.bed.
You're not in bed long enough for that to be worth much of anything in the grand scheme of things.
Stop laying up like a p.o.r.n star.
One of my young friends recently broke up with her boyfriend. She called me with tears in her voice and just puppy dog hurt. Whimpering and ish. I listened without saying much because I never thought the dude was her speed anyway and the sooner she recognized this...the better.
But she was hurt.
Mainly because of the way it all ended and she felt like she didn't have any closure.
I got up and closed the door to my bedroom and she heard the sound on the phone. I got quiet.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
Nothing. I just closed my bedroom door and then I walked downstairs. Nothing is coming out of or going into my room unless the door is opened again.
I CLOSED the door pretty effectively and no one needs to explain to me how the door closed. I KNOW IT'S CLOSED.
NOBODY NEEDS TO EXPLAIN A CLOSED DOOR TO ME.
She said a small "Oh." and I continued talking. Why? Cuz I was mad.
TELL EM WHY YOU MAD SON!
See...I'm not giving anyone an opportunity to dog me and tell me why I don't measure up to THEIR standards. Especially some azz that wasn't my speed. Especially some azz that needs to be slapped with a bit of reality as far as his list stacks up. ESPECIALLY when I know myself and know I'm a good person.
I wish a mofo would.
I wanted her to get mad too. I NEEDED her to get mad. The sooner she gets over this need for closure bullshit...the better.
You need closure when some serious life changing ish happens to you and you get the closure from YOURSELF. A therapist will help you get there and will guide YOUR process. A therapist who cares for you and wants to take you there GENTLY. Not some azz that has PROVEN they don't care about you.
The only person who can give you the type of closure YOU need is YOU. You have to get up and close that door and not worry about what's waiting on the other side. When you're ready, if you know yourself well, you'll know when you're ready to open that door and walk out with your head held high.
Cuz it didn't kill you.
Most of us have had more than one break up and we're still here. Most of us have been devastated in the name of love.
And we're still here.
Redefine what you THINK ish means. Closure ain't got ish to do with anyone but YOU. You need to be honest with yourself about why A, B or C didn't work out. You already know.
You gotta close that door with clear reasons as to why.
When you love someone more than you love yourself you're headed for the ditch. See...you need that barometer that tells you when you've been disrespected and you need that gauge to know when to tell someone to step the hell off.
And a lot of women don't.
I can't teach anyone how to love themselves more and it seems that when you find someone who truly DOESN'T love themselves...they know why.
Now I'm not saying that anyone's reason as to why they don't love themselves is valid or not but I am saying that folks do know themselves so when someone is adamant that they don't deserve better I listen.
Cuz again...they know why.
As humans we do understand the fundamentals of right and wrong and we know when we have stepped across the line once or twice or three times a lady. We then become our own judges.
And we are much harsher on ourselves than we'd ever be on anyone else.
The only thing I know for sure here is that no one is going to get better until they do understand how to love themselves flaws and all. And once you begin to love yourself more and ACCEPT yourself as you are...then you will be able to make better choices regarding what you deserve.
Now you're prolly wondering...I thought this was about dating Creole?
What's so fugged up about you that you deserve only fugged up azz treatment?
Yeah. I thought so. Hard question to answer huh? But you gotta answer it cuz until you do right by you everything you touch gonna...wait (sorry...Color Purple flashback)...
Basically all I'm trying to say is that until you recognize your own worth you are going to continue attracting losers and you are going to keep giving people passes for treating you like shit. Imma need you to think of yourself as Ceily in the back of that car with them two french braids and her index and middle finger putting a hex on Mister. Imma need you to know you don't need to put up with a DAMN thing that ain't respectful.
Imma need you to get mad with it. Imma need you to realize that the love you have inside you should be used for yourself first and then...whatever else is left will be fed and will grow.
Yeah...love is like that.
To be continued...
SIP: So last night Creole left us talking bout some to be continued stuff...you know...like she somebody.
Me: (standing my full height with a raised eyebrow)
SIP: OKAY LADIES! MAKE ROOM! CREOLE IS BACK WITH SOME CONTINUED STUFF!
Women can learn a lot from the way a dude dates. They go out with a woman and have an AWESOME time, drop her off or leave the restaurant and pick up the phone to call another woman. Yup. They call another woman after having a FABULOUS time with the first woman.
A woman who was sitting at home wondering why he hadn't called her.
She looks down at the phone EXCITED to see his number and picks it up with a smile in her voice.
And they have a GREAT conversation. GREAT! She's funny and charming, he's funny and charming.
They both get off the phone excited to talk to each other again.
He gets close to his exit and looks at the time. It's bedtime but not quite right. He's gone to dinner with a pretty woman and just got off the phone with a pretty woman and even though he has to go to work in the morning...nothing would be a better nightcap than a little something, something.
He knows who to call after 10:00pm cuz she's taken his call before after 10:00pm. He calls, she answers.
Him: You feel like some company?
Her: I thought I told you the last time to not call me all late (with a giggle in her voice).
Him: Quit playing girl...you know this is the busy season at work.
Her: How far away are you?
Him: I'll be there in twenty minutes.
And they get off the phone. She jumps up and changes outta her headscarf and raggedy nightshirt, straightens up her place and checks herself in the mirror.
What should you learn from this? You should learn to identify the starting lineup. Some guys have more than three, some of less but all have a hierarchy of women.
Dinner chick would be phone call chick after another dinner or two after the hands have roamed enough while saying goodbye that he knows her defenses are melting. He knows he doesn't have to take her out to nice restaurants anymore cuz she'll just be happy to hear from him. After not hearing from him a time or two he'll call sounding really tired and she'll invite him over to her home...before 10pm and he'll come, looking tired, she'll feed him and he'll get all snuggly with her and things will get closer or they will get THERE.
And then...she becomes the phone chick because she still has her standards and he hasn't broken her down to the after 10:00pm clean up call girl that he needs to fix that urge he's had from his other women but who aren't in the position of "Come on girl...quit playing."
Current after hours clean up girl will eventually start getting hip to the fact that she hasn't seen him during daylight hours in a while and will start tripping. Blowing up his phone and leaving erratic messages, etc. It's cool with him cuz he knows to just not talk to her.
And after she stops calling all the time he'll call her once or twice cuz something reminded him of her azz and he missed tapping it.
And she'll let him cuz she misses him.
The point here is that men DATE. They have a woman for all different stages of dating so they don't have to get themselves all wrapped up in one chickie. They have a system. They don't meet one chickie and focus on her. They don't think about her CONSTANTLY and they don't blow up her phone. They have STRUCTURE because all of their lives the men they were around have told them to not get all wrapped up in some broad and, instead, to sow their oats.
The converse of this? The women who have all been told to not be ho-ish. Men know this and don't try the assault tactic right off the bat unless you come at him spitting just as much game. They know to break you down S.L.O.W.L.Y. cuz they don't want to spook you.
You lil filly you.
To be continued...
I find myself wondering, time and time again, where women got their dating style from. We learn how to cook from watching our mothers and grandmothers in the kitchen. We learn how to interact with men from being around our male family members. Most of the stuff we learn is by osmosis kinda. You know...it just happens without direction or structure because we are INVOLVED in it.
And dating is unnatural to us for this very reason.
We usually pick up dating from seeing the male/female relationships we have private access to. You see your mother and father interact and you think that's how it goes.
You see your older brother as playa, playa and you think to yourself...I would never let a dude play me like that.
Dating is hard to learn.
Men and women date differently as it SHOULD be. There are different kinds of women for different stages of a man's life. When he's not in the mood for anything serious he knows to stick to a certain "type" of woman. He knows where to look for her and how to play her.
Like a fiddle.
Consequently he also knows the type of woman he can NOT deal with during this stage and usually...he's quite honest with her about it.
If a man senses that he can't play around with you and yet RESPECTS and LIKES you...he will tell you flat out. "I'm not looking for anything right now."
And he will MEAN it.
And now...the ball is in YOUR court. You can either act like a lady...or NOT.
A SMART lady will know that hey...I've got options and I don't need to hang around with this dude cuz he just TOLD me the truth and I need to listen to him cuz hey...how often does a dude REALLY tell you he's trying to get all he can get if he's trying to get something from YOU?
If he thought you were dumb or a chickenhead (what they call women they use) he would still try and USE YOU. He would still string you along and have you thinking that there could be something there cuz he knows that is what you hope, wish and DESIRE.
Unfortunately...to him...you're a chickenhead.
Now..being a chickenhead to him might not make you a chickenhead to others...so you need to know you're in COMPLETE control here.
I find it funny that some of the most professional of women would balk at the thought that someone considers them a chickenhead. Why?
Cuz they think it's a hood thing.
Um...no. A chickenhead is a woman a dude knows he can use up and she will just keep running and running behind him just like a chicken with it's head cut off.
If a dude tells you he's not looking for anything it's his first time acknowledging that you might NOT be a chickenhead.
If you don't LISTEN to him and act like he didn't say that...then you're crossing over the border and ain't nothing good coming after.
To be continued...