I believe in true love and I always have. I believe that love manifests in ways that make it known without a shadow of a doubt.
The quickening of your heart, the heat that rises from your chest. You stomach flipping over and over while your pupils dilate and a heavier, hotter scent emerges from your body at the mere thought of someone.
And I also believe that love can and should be denied the opportunity to flourish.
We all have our deal-breakers. We all know what we can and can't deal with.
Or at least we should.
Let's say that you move in with the person you love. You move your stuff in, they move their stuff in. You're both on the lease. The first night in the new home, they don't come home. You call and call but the calls go straight to voicemail. They don't call you. No text. No email. Nothing.
You get up and go to work the next day.
You go home and their car is there.
You go inside and they are in there unpacking their boxes or some random new house ish.
Your pulse jumps. Your heart breathes a sigh of relief that they aren't hurt somewhere.
What is the first thing you say? What do you do? How in the world do you handle such disrespect from the person you love and just made a MAJOR life decision with? What do you do?
Mr. May was handsome with a nice body. He was dressed in nice, new clothes with a faux pas or two. He had on very stylish jeans with super expensive sneakers, a nice shirt, a puffy, belt and suspenders.
You read that right.
His haircut was neat and he was very well groomed. He was rocking a pair of Beats and loving every minute of the beginning of his journey.
Ms. December was on point. Head-to-toe on point. Casual but stylish travel wear. She was doing a bit of work but paying attention to her love as well. They looked like a couple in love.
When they were boarding the plane they passed by me and I overheard Mr. May say, "I thought we were sitting up front? My ticket said B-13. Ms. December didn't say anything really and they continued on to the find two seats together.
I was talking to a friend about this and asking her if she'd ever be able to be in a relationship with someone where she was the more enlightened in the um..."living well" department and whether or not she thinks she'd do well in a relationship where she had to teach a young man about life. She was of the mind that she probably couldn't because, "That shit would get tiresome quickly."
I reiterated that old boy was quite the looker and that old girl seemed pretty happy with her youngin and the friend said that it would be fun for a while but that yeah...it would get old. She'd feel like she was raising him and that all men like that end up feeling some kinda way because you were doing better than them and are quick to forget what all you've enlightened them on and go find some younger woman to pass along that knowledge to so that they can finally feel like a real man.
What do YOU think? If you were older and more established, would you be able to have a relationship with someone young and considerably less established?
Your husband goes to a club.
He's enjoying himself people watching by the bar.
An attractive woman comes up and orders drinks.
Your husband jokingly looks at her wedding ring finger and asks her why she isn't married looking the way she looks.
She says something random about not having found the right one yet, etc. while looking at his wedding ring finger.
Your husband doesn't wear a ring.
He told you from the beginning of your relationship that he wasn't going to.
He buys the woman's drinks and gives her his card before he leaves.
The woman he gave his card to sends him an email thanking him for being a gentleman.
He responds back by saying she should text him because it's quicker for him to respond that way.
She's not the TEXTING A DUDE RIGHT OFF THE BAT TYPE so she responds via email and straight off the bat asks if he's married so she could get that out of the way.
Ain't nobody trying to be Mary Jane'd.
He responds by saying yes he's married blah, blah, blah.
The woman ceases all communication with him because, again, she ain't a Mary Jane.
Now...if YOU were the dude's wife...did he do anything wrong? Are you pissed if you find out about this? Or was he simply being a nice guy? Would you have a problem with your husband buying a woman YALL don't know and he's not trying to do some type of legitimate business with drinks?
Go read that article. I'll wait...
Okay...have you read it? Good. What are you thoughts? Do you give your daughters the type of advice Ms. Skiffer's parents gave her? Do you give your sons the type of advice Mr. Coote's parents gave him?
What do you think of the lesson she had to learn? Do you think her parents helped her stay in her own way? Or do you think she's a product of much more our society has turned girls into? Women who believe the only way they can succeed is to not let a man derail their education and career plans?
In your experience...do you ever truly know when you're in your own way?
I was talking to some framily the other day, catching up. As always, we were going back and forth catching up on all the important things which have happened in our lives since the last time we had a catch up conversation. The discussion turned to something about Christmas and their significant other walked into the room. They put me on speaker phone to ask my opinion about a disagreement they were having about Christmas. I listened feeling a bit nervous because suddenly...the light mood of the conversation changed.
Someone I know from FB was going to be on GMA this morning so I kept switching the channels so I could see the relationship advice he was going to give since he's one of the few advice giving men I don't roll my eyes clean out of my head behind.
The story he was giving advice on was about a woman who went on a 10 day meditation sebatical away from her family that helped her be a better wife and mother.
I can totally see that.
I then went and read her article and I saw it even more: http://www.babble.com/relationships/i-took-a-break-from-my-husband-then-i-fell-back-in-love/
I feel like this can happen all the time in smaller doses too. I know that when I'm traveling solo, I realize just how much I prefer being with my husband than with pretty much anyone else in the world. That's not to say that I don't enjoy myself...but I'm always hit with how much I'm missing him or how much he would have enjoyed something, yada, yada. I'ts kinda like why I always bring him something special back. I start missing him big time and appreciating him and I want to bring him a little something back. It's really odd because whenever we talk when one of us is traveling, he sounds all nonchalant and whatnot because he hates the phone, but when I get home...he's always done something really sweet that he knows I wanted him to do because he missed me and wanted to do something to make me smile too.
I like that.
What do yall think? Do you feel like small doses of being apart helps you remember how amazing your family is too? Sure...you might look forward to the quiet time or having the bed to yourself but honestly don't you feel better knowing it's temporary?
Those in marriages in which the wives calmed down quickly during an argument were found to be the happiest. What’s more, those same marriages were shown to be happiest in the long run too.
Fellas...keep your ack right on!
What say YOU?
I read this article last week and it made me smile. It was sweet and lovely and made me reach out and rub my husband's shoulders. The general gist of the article was that marriage is about making your spouse happy and in turn...your spouse will want to make you happy and yall will be happy together.
I agree with that. Marriage Isn't For You
I was watching an episode of "King of Queens" recently and Doug and Carrie had an argument. See...Doug was volunteering at the church to protect the Nativity scene from vandals and another husband was out there doing the same. The wife of the other husband noted it got colder and brought her husband a heavy coat and some hot soup. Doug was all like...um...yeah...well...my wife is probably on her way.
I know a woman who did not give the ring back.
It's in her jewelry box and she never, ever thinks about it.
The ex asked for it back a couple of times.
She ignored him and kept it moving.
There was no money spent on deposits, etc.
It was a joint decision.
Should she have given the ring back?
A Black woman told me that White people get married for the first time in their 20s and Black people don't get married until their 30s and beyond. She said it started being this way after our parents' generation.
Blanket statement I know.
She'd annoyed me earlier so I was being argumentative with her.
I've thought about it since then and discussed it with some of my family and framily.
Their opinion varied.
What do YOU think? Do you think for the most part it's true? Think about the Black and White married couples you know. Did they get married in their 20s, 30s or beyond?
If all couples knew that five years after they marry they will be having discussions regarding the first five years of their marriage, it may encourage both to be a little more patient, more understanding, love more and argue less.
Should there be a more radical change of the marriage vows, should they be more realistic?
Helen Goltz believes so, and because of her belief she has written a discussion paper on the current marriage license laws in Australia and on Fixed Term Marriage Contracts.
This discussion paper in based on the future of marriage licenses in Australia and also the abolition of such licenses in place of a fixed-term marriage contract of five and ten years with an option after this period of time. If both parties agree, and upon a successful ten-year marriage term, the couple can elect to have an ‘eternity’ contract.
Helen Goltz goes into greater detail of explaining exactly why this is essential and how the fixed-term marriage contract will be integrated within our lives. The details can be found on the internet under Fixed Term Marriage Contracts, if you wish to read it in its entirety, and it’s definitely a ‘must read.’
It makes perfect sense and little did I know when this idea dawned on me years ago that someone somewhere was actually doing something about it and started the ball rolling by doing this study and writing this discussion paper.
What say YOU?
Last week, a young lady described my blog as a place for happily married women and their single friends with sense.
That made me smile because that pretty much sums it up over here.
The young lady is in a relationship and hoping it leads to marriage. She says it probably will. I told her that as long as things were going well...don't worry about the pace. If they are good to EACH OTHER...it will progress naturally. That sounds simple to some folks looking for a formula but that's what I believe.
Then...she shared with me that he has never really seen a successful marriage and she worries about that.
My question to you...do you think that's a factor?
I put myself into this situation and thunk on it. My parents? Um...yeah...they shouldn't have been together from jump. Seriously. I saw (what I thought back then) successful marriages but I've since been privy to adult information that made me think I wouldn't have put up with that ish either.
I know women who have amazing husbands who are the products of single mothers and I know men who have amazing wives who are the products of single mothers too. Hell...I know people from complete foster childhoods who are awesomely amazing mates.
I know I knew what I wanted and what I couldn't deal with for a lifetime. I hated my father's BECAUSE-I-SAID-SO approach to life as a family man and well...yall know about the other stuff where I WISH A FOOL WOULD!
The most important feature I think is a factor in having a successful marriage is respect. If a man, or woman, understands respect...they pretty much have it, in my opinion.
What about you? Do you think never seeing a successful marriage is a factor?
SIP: They didn't have tv? They didn't watch Clair and Cliff like the rest of us?
I know plenty of women who are single and honestly...there is no rhyme or reason about it. They are smart, successful, good people, kind hearted, lovely, loving.
They know how to cook and keep house. They are fashionable. They are God-fearing.
They belong to clubs, sororities and civic organizations.
They run, swim, bike, compete in marathons, triathlons, half marathons, 10k's, 5k's, etc.
They are well read, know their politics, are excellent mothers, aunts and Godmothers.
They mentor and volunteer.
They can go to the White House or to a barbecue and represent excellently.
They are good daughters, sisters, friends.
There is no reason they aren't married but other women are. No reason at all.
I've decided it's basically the luck of the draw. If a woman is lucky, she will meet a man when he's ready for marriage. If she's smart...she'll live a good, fulfilled happy life and she won't base her not being in the right place at the right time on nothing more than dumb luck. She'll realize she hasn't done a thing wrong. It's simply the luck of the draw.
You can run across plenty of good men but if he's not ready...well...it's just like you never met him at all.
And it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. It's honestly, more increasingly, simply...the luck of the draw.
I have had a lot of conversations about "Being Mary Jane" since it aired. Well...not about the actual movie per se (even though that's how the conversations started) but about how women saw themselves in the situations Mary Jane presented.
ONe of the main conversations was about the married woman part. I was having lunch with two married women and one single woman. The movie came up and the inevitable question was raised.
"What would you do if a woman told you she was sleeping with your husband and you knew she was telling the truth?"
One married woman slapped the table and crossed her leg while saying, "I ain't never leaving that man!" And I blinked. We all looked at her like...WHOA and the questions started pouring out:
I'm on my way to the airport to pick up my husband who has been gone since Thursday golfing with his father for Father's Day.
It should come as no surprise that I've missed him like crazy and always find myself appreciating him in his absence even more than normal. It's like...I don't even realize how much I require him to be close enough to know I'll see him at the end of the day until one of us is traveling.
My anticipation at seeing his face has me grinning from ear-to-ear already. I combed my hair and put on something cute even though it's Monday, my off day, and I'm not going anywhere nor am I even getting out of the car other than to move to the passenger seat. I'm not putting on lipgloss because when I kiss him...I don't want to leave any on him because I know he hates that. LOL!
There is something about this level of security and cherishing I wish everyone knew and I look forward to the day when more of the people I love have found someone to love as much as I love him and he loves me. I have many family, framily and friends blessed with this same type of love and I'm so happy that, in my world, it's not an anomaly to see good men BEING good men. Good sons, good brothers, good husbands, good fathers, good friends, good employers and employees.
So many in my life have lead by example and I'm so blessed my expectations matched up with my reality.
I wish you love and I hope those of you who have it recognize your blessing and focus on reciprocating and creating a happy, loving home. Now bye...I'm going get my BOOSCHNICKA CUZ I MISSED HIM SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday we discussed a dating scenario and many people said they wouldn't have left after the date was, in my opinion, disrespectful. I disagreed because well...I have bad nerves and have a low-low tolerance for ridiculous. My stance on dating, when I dated was that I would enjoy myself more at peace on my sofa with my remote rather than dealing with silly ish.
And I meant that.
If someone is no longer attracted to their spouse...is it THEIR fault...or the fault of the spouse?
She started cooking healthier, working out and generally making better choices. She cooked the same foods for her husband, but he chose to eat outside of the home because he didn't like all that "healthy crap." She started getting up at 4:30am to workout at home because they have children and each have full time jobs.
She feels like if she can do it...then so should he have been able to.
Years later...she's no longer attracted to him.
Is it her fault?
Or is it his?
What...IN YOUR OPINION...could a couple like this do in order to get back on the good foot with each other. Does she have to lower HER standards or does he have to raise HIS standards for himself?
Would you feel differently if the situation was swapped and HE was the one no longer attracted to her for the same reasons?
What do you think about THIS advice? Relationship Problems: I'm Not Attracted to My Husband
An older woman meets a younger man.
They start dating.
He has not so great credit so he doesn't have a car but lives in a city where that isn't a problem.
She decides he should have a car and buys one IN HER NAME and gives him the keys.
It's a modest car. Nothing fancy...but it's nice.
A multi-millionaire dates a woman and they get engaged.
He buys her an engagement ring worth $785k.
They are engaged for less than a year.
He says SHE broke off the engagement.
She says THEY mutually broke off the engagement.
He wants his ring back.
What's YOUR opinion of who should get the ring when an engagement is broken?
Would you feel betrayed? Used? Angry?
Or would you simply be glad you didn't find out after you were married and had kids?
JASON COLLINS' EX-FIANCEE
I Had NO IDEA He Was Gay
Read more: http://www.tmz.com/2013/04/30/jason-collins-carolyn-moos-fiancee-gay/#ixzz2Rxl0QBbk
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The conversations can last more than an hour cuz really...we try and pack it all in.
A couple of years ago she dropped the bomb that this woman, who we always knew of as EXTREMELY smart, was dating a married man. It wasn't normal married mind you...it was a full separation. Dude had moved out, got a new place, was openly dating, etc.
All of two weeks.
She's pretty happy with the way things are going and thinks that, SHOULD THEY GET MARRIED, they'd be happy together.
She told me of a situation which came up and he told her that, SHOULD THEY GET MARRIED, that situation wouldn't go down like that.
She also shared that, SHOULD THEY GET MARRIED, some other things about him would have to change.
Back when I was dating, I always felt weird when a new guy came out the gate talking about marriage all willy nilly. To me...marriage talk should only be held between two people who know each other MUCH better. I'd feel like a dude was using the marriage talk as a ploy. Some kinda bait. A piece of the game they were playing.
In my experience...you may have only discussed marriage lightly as in, "Do you see yourself married one day?" Or..."How long have your parents been married?"
Not as in..."If we get married...blah, blah, blah."
How do YOU feel about marriage talk early on like that? Are you FOR or AGAINST it? Does it weird you out a bit? Have you ever felt like a guy was using marriage as "bait?"
I've had my current cellphone number for probably 11 years I think. Before that...I'd had the same cellphone number for as long as I'd been with my previous carrier down South.
It's very odd to find people changing their cell numbers these days unless they make a major move. It's become commonplace to keep that same number for years and years and years.
A girlfriend and I were out and about recently and she got a text message out the blue from her ex-boyfriend. She looked down and laughed and texted him back. Turns out every few months or so...he texts her out the blue and she responds according to the mood she's in.
She then told me that she has a couple of exes who do this. She doesn't mind communicating with them via text sometimes. They were good guys...not just the guy for her.
A 44 year old woman told me that she doesn't want to still be single by the time she's 45 years old.
I didn't say much because there kinda wasn't really much I could say right?
But I thought a lot about it.
She's been single for 44 years so there is a good chance that she'll still be single in a year right? It concerns me that she's actually setting this up as a goal because I think this being a goal might open the door for their to be some moves based on reaching the goal ONLY and not because she's met someone that is good to and for her.
And that concerns me because hell...yall know I love love and want everyone to have it.
What are YOUR thoughts?While looking for a picture for this post...I ran across this: Single At 45: What Lies Ahead?
You and your husband have decided to eat takeout for dinner.
He picks it up on his way home from work.
You have the table set ready for the food.
He puts the food on the table and goes to wash his hands.
You start pulling the food out and notice that your order isn't in the bag.
His order is.
You tell him and he's like...dammit...I can't believe they didn't put all the stuff in the bag.
He then sits down like he's about to eat.
You're like...say bruh...
He's like...I wanna eat mine before it gets cold and then I'll go get yours.
How would this end at YOUR house?