FILL IN THE BLANKS
Q: Monnie why you never introduced me to any of your single girlfriends?
Monnie Answer: _____
SIP Answer: _____
You ever get tired of saying the same ish to the same people knowing good and well they aren't going to take anything you say to heart and yet ONLY want to wallow in all the ish they're comfortable wallowing in?
Screwed up opportunities. CHECK!
Messed up in school back in the day. CHECK!
The one you thought you wanted got away. CHECK!
You got sick. CHECK!
Insurance was messed up. CHECK!
Wrecked your paid for car. CHECK!
CHECK! CHECK! CHECK! CHECK!
Guess what? Bad shit could happen to any of us at any time. You're going to let the bad shit make it so you never have any happy shit? You're going to wallow in that shit until people can smell it on you from a block away? Just walking around all Eeyore and whatnot sucking all the happy out of every place you wander into? You're going to continue being the person NOBODY wants to be around because they aren't trying to let you infect their mood with your wave of nauseating crap cloud?
Yeah...no. That's on you. When you want to change...you won't even have to tell anyone. It will show. People will take a double take when they see you. You'll start smelling better.
#ChooseHappy or stay the hell away from those of us who are trying. You ain't the only person with shit believe it or not.
I absolutely 100% DESPISE when I'm trapped in close quarters with someone who is on the phone. I'm not talking about a quick call to answer something right quick...but someone tucked in on the phone holding a full random azz conversation with someone while you're sitting right there. That ish makes my teeth itch like nothing else cuz that's the rudest ish in the EN-TIRE WORLD to do to someone. UGH!
I also don't like it when you're in a whole dang house and someone does this. Take your azz to another room for some privacy and so you don't come across as if you were raised in a damn barn without manners.
I've reached that point in the season where I'm weary. I was talking to a stranger recently and they basically said that people who are sick of winter need to get over it because it's winter every.single.year.
(WARNING! DON'T LET YOUR KIDS READ THIS! *INSERT.EYE.ROLL.HERE*)
SIP: I wanted to punch him in the face yelling "B'DIE!" and then kick him in the shin and stomp all over his head while he rolled around on the ground screaming like a school girl getting her hair pulled by someone MAD.ABOUT.IT!
I chose to say nothing.
Of course it gets cold in the winter. Of course it snows, sleets, all of that. Doesn't mean we'll ever get SO used to it to think it's the best thing since stuffed olives. Cuz it's not.
I'm so ready for some warm sun on my skin while sitting on my deck. I NEED THIS IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just because I'm sick of it doesn't mean my expectations are that it's going to warm up tomorrow and winter be over. Hell...I know it's not. But I'm sick of it anyway. And my feet are always cold. And why should I comb my hair when I'm just going to put on a hat?
Erica B. was passing out some stellar makeup advice to someone the other day. Something about wings and red. I almost rolled my eyes clean out my head. It's too cold for all that. I hardly even smile these day let alone put on makeup. Imma save what she said for spring cuz honestly...right now...I can't.
My theme song came on yesterday and I turned it off. Go get happy somewhere else Pharrell. I just couldn't do it.
Am I the only person sick of all this? Or are all of you those annoying..."It's winter. Duh." people too?
When they told me...I reacted accordingly to the news I'd just received.
Me: Why didn't you tell me this before?
Relative: Because I didn't want you to flash out.
Me: Use your words! What the hell does "flash out" mean?
Relative: What you did.
SIP: So that's what it's called.
Listening to someone talk about their mother being abused in a nursing home puzzled me recently. They were all calm and ish about it. Just basically talking about the plan of action, what they are doing, what's been done, etc. I sat there thinking...well...they are just the loveliest of people. A real responsible adult who is thinking about how their actions affect lots of lives.
I didn't share what I was thinking because I already know I'd pop off so badly behind something like that...it wouldn't even be right. Like...I can't even imagine being able to calm myself down enough to NOT pop off super crazy. Abusing my mother? MY MOMMY? WHO IS PRETTY MUCH HELPLESS? IN A NURSING HOME?
Carry on...I'm simply not evolved enough to be calm and handle this possibility like a responsible adult probably should cuz I already know...THERE WOULD PROBABLY BE BLOOD.
Is that bad? Probably. But I'd feel better with everyone knowing that right off the bat so if it ever crossed their mind to do so...they already know repercussions were in store that ain't got ish to do with the law BEFORE the law has been summoned cuz they are probably going to be summoning the law on me.
Again...I love my edge. I love that I can jump from nice lady to SIP in point 00000000000000000000000009 miliseconds.
Do you have an edge? Or are you one of those lovely, always responsible adults who handle business the text book way? What would give you the MOST edge? Messing with your kids? Your parents? Spouse? What? What brings out your EDGE?
"The Gulabi gang (from Hindi gulabi, "pink", transln. "pink gang") is a group of women vigilantes and activists originally from Banda in Bundelkhand district, Uttar Pradesh, India, but reported to be active across North India as of 2010. It is named after the pink saris worn by its members.
The gang was founded in 2006 by Sampat Pal Devi, a mother of five and former government health worker (anda former child bride), as a response to widespread domestic abuse and other violence against women. Gulabis visit abusive husbands and beat them up with laathis (bamboo sticks) unless they stop abusing their wives. In 2008, they stormed an electricity office in Banda district and forced officials to turn back the power they had cut in order to extract bribes. They have also stopped child marriages and protested dowry and female illiteracy."
After a couple of drinks recently...onefromphilly and I mused that we should start a business that dealt out well deserved azz whuppings.
Picture it...Sicily DC Metro, 2013. A womanizing man is tossed in the back of an unmarked van and beat within an inch of his life all the while an Elder is yelling at him to put his hand down, stop grabbing the belt and preached to about the errors of his ways. Or a teenager who thinks he/she knows everything stomped into a hole in the ground the size of a quarter. Or a simple azz woman doing simple azz ish slapped repeatedly after writing on the board 1,000 times, THOU SHALL NOT BE SIMPLE.
I think we'd be a million dollar company before the year end. 'Specially since we know where to get brass knuckle stun guns. Blast Knuckle Stun Gun 950K Volts w/ Holster - 1 YEAR WARRANTY
Anybody want to invest? Handle marketing? Volunteer to drive? Bleach the van interior down?
This summer I was somewhere with some friends enjoying life. We were sitting near a group of people who were also enjoying life. One guy was drunk.
And he was already obnoxious BEFORE he got drunk I'm sure.
Drunk guy decided I was going to be his BFF and kept trying to high five me and ish. I just wanted to have a good time with my friends so I wasn't trying to get annoyed and high fived him.
The ish got annoying.
...my mother used to tell me there are children starving in Africa or my father used to call me inside to change the channel cuz he didn't want to move.
What about you? What did you used to HATE that your parents said or did to you?
I did a lot of unfriending on FB since Saturday. I was slicing folks left and right.
No tears for thugs? DELETE.
Using that word I DESPISE? DELETE.
Talking about rioting and the revolution? DELETE.
I didn't want to hear shit.
One young man used the word I despise twice. All caps. He was mad and calling for folks to rise up and get mad.
A long time ago I had a party at my home. Yall know how I get down...I cook and set it out big time when I give a party. I remember someone new kept walking around asking me if this, that or the other was vegetarian even though it was obvious there were many dishes which didn't have meat or broth in it.
While I was entertaining guests.
After about three times I gave her a look she obviously recognized because she stopped in mid-sentence. SIP was right at the surface thinking:
SIP: Know what else is vegetarian? The door.
Wisely...she kept it moving, stopped following me and enjoyed what she could safely enjoy.
I ended up broiling a couple of vegetarian burgers for her to go with the pasta salad, veggies, grilled portobella mushroom caps and grilled shrimp kabobs.
Whenever I go to a party, I always bring fruit, bars, etc. that I could snack on in a corner if need be in the event nothing is available without gluten. I don't bother the hostess even though, most of them know my issues and generally lead off telling me exactly what is safe for me to eat. The last time I was in Houston, Weezy and CeCe had a full gluten-free barbecue and that touched my evil heart. LOL! Had he called me one mo' gin, however, and asked me if something was gluten-free or not while at the grocery store...I was gonna cuss him. But yeah...I was touched they were looking out for their sister.
I was at TravelDiva's son's graduation party and she had the event catered. There were so many gluten-free options like prime rib, corn, green beans, etc. the kid got seconds. LOL! I was sooooooooooooo happy. I had plenty of finger foods in my bag just in case mind you...but I was happy I could eat some of that delicious looking beef!
Those of you with food issues...do you make sure you have options in your bag if you go somewhere knowing you'll only be there a couple of hours at most and you'll live if there isn't anything you can eat?
Me: How much do those sneakers cost?
Male Framily: $225
Me: Wow. That's a lot for sneakers.
Male Framily: How much did those shoes cost that you wore with that brown dress the other day?
Me: So what you say the weather is going to be today?
SIP: Bow down.
If I don't suggest that you back away from that burger/sandwich/Olive Garden platter and eat a lettuce leaf, don't you DARE suggest I eat a sandwich.
You're good with your size? Cool. Act like it without projecting because I'm darn good with my size and now I know where your major insecurity lies. You want everyone to be YOUR size so we can all be twinsies. Well...guess what? No thank you.
...someone does something to you that hurts you to your CORE and you go for years without any communication from them and then...all of a sudden...OUT THE FLIPPING BLUE...they are in your inbox telling you about something they did or overcame so you can pat them on the back when they STILL haven't apologized for how they treated you?
People are a trip.
Looka here. I know your face still cracked and I know your heart is all broken up and ish but girl...seriously? I coulda told you this is how it was gonna go down. He's married AND he's the President. And hell...in this world you being Black and him being White all out in public like that wasn't ever gonna be able to be out there like that cuz again...HE'S THE PRESIDENT!!!!! Child...yall would have to be like Tina and move to another country and live on side of a hill or something.
SERIOUSLY. PRACTICE YOUR ACCENT GIRL!
Now how 'bout we talk about the LEVEL of ho you are. I mean...who hos around and be skinning and grinning up in the wife's face like that? That level of whipping dog just ain't heard of by regular folk. Everybody know that the mistress isn't trying to get up in the wife's face. Decent hos know at least to steer clear of the wife and stay out them people business!
And you all up in the business.
And where yo mama 'et? And your girlfriends? The only "friend" you seem to have is Cyrus and BAAAAAAABY...I'd keep Huck on him if I wuz you cuz Cyrus was 'bout to turn on his husband so you know good and damn well he will have your azz hung upside down in a cedar lined bucket of water with your weave braids coming undone with the swiftness.
Now Mellie? She ain't to be trifled with you know? That chick rolls HARD. If you didn't know before...you 'bout to know. I'd be surprised if your name isn't on the BANNED list at the White House after this went down. Yall done changed the heart of the cheating azz President so much that he can KILL. Seriously. A murderous President. It just doesn't get any worser off than that. Dude is the leader of the country, hoing around with you before, during and after his wife's pregnancy...is a killer AND has knowledge that he won the election because yall STOLE IT?
Girl...you need to go sit DOWN-T somewhere. You talking all that noise about painful love. Child that's really called abuse. Mental abuse. And heck...physical abuse too if you keep talking that noise to Cyrus. LOL! Oh...and I if wuz you...I'd WANT to steer clear of Fitz's azz. You know he had a bullet in his brain and he killing folks now. Dude is gonna end up going rogue like Harvey Dent!
WATCH YO BACK HO-LIVIA!
SIP: She doesn't have a Cool Aunt huh?
I was out and about in the world surrounded by framily, friends and colleagues on set last summer. I rounded the corner and saw someone I love looking VERY distressed and on the phone. I knew they'd recently had a difficult breakup which was taking a toll on their spirit and I made sure they saw me see them.
I crooked my finger.
When the person got off the phone they sought me out and I asked was everything okay.
Framily: That was _____, my ex.
Apparently, the ex had sent my friend a text basically stating they wished the CURRENT person the ex was dating...was like my friend.
So I'm standing there with my lips perched.
SIP: And then they called you?
Framily: No...I called them.
And while standing there...my friend's phone rang and they looked down to see it was the ex calling back. My friend was looking so defeated and I told them to send the call to voicemail.
Then...I held out my hand and asked for the phone.
The friend gave it to me and I put it on silent and then put it in my pocket.
SIP: That was a shitty thing for _____ to do. It's pretty gotdamn fugged up actually. Good people don't do ish like that and you shouldn't deal with a piece of shit azz person.
And we kept working.
When we were finished that long, long day...I gave the friend back their phone.
We never spoke of it again.
We were somewhere else recently and the framily member was back in stride. We were sitting with two other framily/friends and the friend brought up the time I took their phone from them and why. Said it saved them from making a stoopit, stoopit mistake that night and that they were able to focus and get genuinely mad at the ex for trying to go there with them. I was very surprised that the friend brought it up around other people and I smiled thinking the friend had healed well from that tragic shit and I was glad I was able to help in such a small way.
SIP can be right sometimes. LOL!
Have YOU ever had to take unorthodox methods to help someone not make a stoopit mistake? Did it work?
By posting this article for me to see:
SIP: I cannot STAND people! What in the flim flam are they supposed to wear to a damn black tie event????????
UPDATED ***I GOT MY 40,000 POINTS AS I KNEW I WOULD. IT WAS A REASONABLE EXPECTATION.***
Night before last the fire alarm went off at 4:58am.
The kid jumped up, put on my wedding jewelry and pajama bottoms,grabbed my phone, purse and computer and rolled out.
I was SHOOK!
Like...that kinda jolt out of your sleep just messes you all up.
Last night at 4:58am the fire alarm went off.
The kid jumped up, put on my wedding jewelry and pajama bottoms, grabbed my phone and computer and called downstairs.
"Sorry Ms. Mingo, something is wrong with the alarm."
And the poor dear on the other end of the phone met SIP. A snarling, pissed to the point of leakage from overstrained veins SIP.
I expect 40,000 points in my HHonors account once I finish with them.
What would be YOUR expectations?
I gave someone in my neighborhood a ride recently and she sent her son to my home to rake leaves.
Last week I helped someone out with something I thought was pretty minor in the grand scheme of things and a GI-NOR-MOUS floral arrangement was delivered to my home.
My next door neighbor borrowed a camera to take pictures of their family during a celebration and they thanked me by bringing my favorite chocolates when they returned the camera.
My other next door neighbor gave me half a case of REALLY.GOOD wine recently saying simply "For all that you do..."
These things point out to me that I'm a blessed woman.
They also point out to me those who don't thank me.
Those who seem to take me for granted.
Yesterday I had every intention of staying home all day but then...E ended up having half a day of school. Since we hadn't kicked it in a minute...he and I decided to go forth into the world and plot world domination.
Why world domination you ask?
Cuz his lil' cheeky azz has finally decided (after watching the NFL show) that I'm really making movies so he needed to give me all of his movie ideas that he's working on.
SIP: Seriously though...out of over 150 ideas he constantly rambled...one was really pretty good. GO E!
So...Monnie was at this thingamadoozie.
She was being Monnie.
You know...talking to everybody, being funny as hell...charming.
You know...all Southern Belle-ish and whatnot with a bit of Mr. Bernie Mac thrown in.
She was talking to this one chick who was as cool as the other side of the pillow.
They started "hanging" while there.
When Monnie got up to get a drink, she asked the chick did she want one and vice versa.
Just nice ish.
It's been a minute since I've been pissed off on the blog.
Lemme rectify that right quick...
In the past month I've known three people who have been flat out fired from their jobs for showing their azz.
I haven't been able to give any of them any words of encouragement.
See...I just don't get it.
Getting laid off is one thing. Getting fired?
This ain't the climate to be showing your azz at work when you know damn good and well you need your job. Folks ain't juggling multiple offers like talking 'bout anymore. Folks ain't putting out 20 new job ads a day. Folks ain't trying to deal with bullshit from an employee knowing good and well they can hire someone OVERQUALIFIED to do the same job you're doing for the same money.
I don't get this shit.
You're supposed to be to work at 8:00? GET YOUR AZZ THERE AT 7:45 AND GET SETTLED HELL!
You're supposed to have Project A done by Friday? TURN THAT SHIT IN TO YOUR BOSS ON THURSDAY MORNING SO YOU CAN GET SOME MENTORING AND FEEDBACK!
Too much work for you to complete before 5:00? SOUNDS LIKE YOUR AZZ NEEDS TO BE THERE TILL 6:30 SOME EVENINGS!
You're supposed to answer the phone when the receptionist goes out to lunch twice a week? YOU'D BETTER GET UP THERE AND GET YOUR SWITCHBOARD SKILLS RIGHT!
The world we know is resetting. Bullshit ain't flying anymore because employers know good and damn well they have the upper hand. Sure...a lot of employers are still on some bullshit but until you have another job lined up...you're going to have to learn to DEAL.
And those of you who think you're irreplaceable? YOU'RE NEVER IRREPLACEABLE.
Shit...I'd fire your azz first just to send a message throughout the ranks that bullshit will NOT be tolerated on ANY level.
I don't get mofos walking around doing what the hell THEY want to do and thinking they should still be employed.
You're a responsible flipping adult.
Go up to them people job and do what the hell they hired you to do.
Oh...and please know I'm the LAST person you need to turn to for sympathy in this situation.
Do YOU know anyone who's been fired recently for some bullshit?
SIP: Why you steal boxes? You building a clubhouse?
It was about 11:45pm.
Damn near midnight.
Dark as hell outside.
And her azz was going running alone.
I was listening to the news the other day and a woman was walking home from her bus stop after work and was sexually assaulted. I thought to myself...wow. I mean...that poor woman HAD to get off that bus and walk home ya know? In my mind...she had no other choice and was probably well aware of the dangers but had to do what she had to do.
I felt so sorry for her.
Back to this lil heffa from last night though...
Nobody HAS to go for a run. I'm sorry...no.
You hear about folks being assaulted and snatched all the time. Hell...they raping men these days so you think your lil narrow azz is safe going out for a run? REALLY????? Mayberry got you that confused?
She had to be from around here somewhere so I know good and well that had she come up missing...I'd hear about it and trust me when I say...I'd be that chick on the news giving her the business cuz seriously? That's not smart!
To quote onefromphilly, "You got to be vigilant out here in these streets!"
Don't do stoopit ish like this. Please. I know I have a lot of friends who run but I swear fo' goodness if I heard of one of them doing some ish like this I'd take a bat to their knee so their running days would be OVER.
Please tell me you've never done this? Hell...I wouldn't even jog WITH someone that time of night. They only gotta catch up with one of you ya know? What? You think your new sneakers are going to make you go "jet fuel fast" like you did in grade school?
Don't do this shit.
Monnie is being Monnie.
Yall know...all friendly talking and ish.
A dude rolls up and thinks Monnie being Monnie is because she has decided he is the most FABULOUS thing walking.
You know...in the FIVE MINUTES Monnie has been around him.
Dude tries to holla.
All cheezy and whatnot.
But he hollas nevertheless.
Monnie pays attention to him IN THAT WAY and notices that dude is a handsome guy.
Dude is sitting there smiling waiting on a response.
How do YOU think Monnie handles?
Keep in mind...this shit happens to her ALL.THE.TIME.
So yeah...I got a new truck last week complete with every bell and whistle offered on my particular kinda truck. Like...all kinda stuff that I know nothing about...except the basics.
We got in it on Saturday night to go have dinner and the saw this:
I am wearing natural deodorant today.
It was in a swag bag I received somewhere.
I am wearing it because I forgot I was out of deodorant.
I have been sitting outside writing and I am about to take a shower because I smell like curry.
And I don't even own any curry.
That is all.
Have YOU ever used natural deodorant? Would you?
Now lookie here. Yall know I'm crazy. I make no bones about the fact that I am truly BAT.SHAT.CRAZY. I know how to CONTROL my crazy, however, and much of what I do extra crazy doesn't really affect others so yeah...I'm good.
SIP: Somebody needs to poll The Robinator.
See? Crazy. SIP is PROOF!
My kinda crazy is...air drying my brand of tangle-ey hair without ANY product in it. Crazy. Just don't make no kinda sense crazy. Just crazy.
But let me tell yall about something I do all the time that takes the cake.