Usually...whenever I talk to my Grandmother...she makes me laugh with her quick wit and Southern sense of humor.
Today she didn't.
And she hasn't for a while now.
Today when we were speaking, she kept stopping, searching for the word she wanted to use and I was surprised when the word ended up being something simple like "your." She was frustrated and apologized saying she was sorry she kept getting "confused."
Our conversation was slow and steady with my pausing long enough to let her get out everything she wanted to say, then I'd speak slow too...slow enough so that the pace of the conversation didn't seem so one sided. So she didn't feel "off" too much.
A Granddaughter respecting her Grandmother. The Matriarch. The Queen.
She made me laugh once...but it was a forced laugh from me because I knew it was expected. She's looking forward to our shopping trip when I get home next month. She's excited. She told me she didn't know how to make a list of everything she needed.
She always has a list of everything she needs when I come home.
She couldn't remember the name of the thing she really wanted very much. It upset her that she couldn't remember. She said, "shit." Not a big deal for you...but it's Sunday. The Lord's Day. The thing she wanted ended up being a new pair of walking shoes. The word she was searching for....SHOES.
I must have told her I loved her 8 times during the 30 minute conversation.
When I hung up the phone...
I cried.
My baby, my Grandmother, my muse...is not doing too well.
My parent's death was swift. I didn't see them fade away slightly each day until they were gone. Tragedy or blessing? You tell me.
Robby asked if I wanted to go home next week. Maybe I should. Doc says no planes...but maybe I should.
I know it's time to have the responsible conversation with my Aunt who lives with her regarding responsible stuff. Things I have never discussed with her. Things I have been in denial of ever HAVING to discuss with her. Things regarding "my important papers" I know she keeps in an old black "pocketbook" at the top of her closet in the left hand corner. She's showed it to me before. But only once. She's old school. Her business is HER business.
How do you deal with this if you have? How did you stay strong for them when it just hurt you so bad? How do you deal with the confusion of a mind that has always been one of the sharpest you know? How do you force laughter that has always been so easy?
God please...I love this woman so much. I need her. I know...I'm selfish...but I do. I. Need. Her.
CreoleInDC...wishing she was close enough to drive to her Grandmother's house and see her smile...take her to dinner...even go to church if that's what she wanted.
This. Very. Minute.
