...and some crazy ish is BOUND to happen.
CreoleInDC speak: Smashident = Car accident caused by stoopit person.
Even though my husband begs to differ (Shut UP Noreen, Queeny and Shelly about my driving...I get yall there don't I and we are NEVA late!)...I'm a pretty good driver in that I have good instincts and excellent reflexes. That said, you'll be happy to note that the few times I've driven since my surgery I have been EXTREMELY conscious of my weak left side and have driven very cautiously because of.
Today I'm driving and I'm right around the way from my home heading to the interstate. I'm driving listening to the soundtrack to "Dreamgirls" chilling. (Don't you LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE this soundtrack? Each song makes you remember perfectly the scene from the movie so it's like you're there watching it again. LOL!)
N E WAY. This Nissan to my left has the right blinker on to come over...she attempts to and I slow down thinking...this heffa is crazy...giving her enough room to get in. This is happening a good bit before the street gives way to a merge onto the freeway. Instead of getting in...SHE SPEEDS UP to pass the car in front of me that is like three lengths ahead.
You ever imagine an accident happening to you when you're driving? Like...you can see how it could happen and you're just WAITING for it to happen? Well imagine my surprise when what I've imagined dozens of times played out as in a script right in front of me to someone else. Wow.
So...Crazy Heffa...as I have decided she should be called...jumps over into the lane I'm in and immediately into the merge lane when there was already someone in that lane with no where to go. Yup...Crazy Heffa has hit this chick in one of the stoopitest smashidents I have EVER seen. Just NUTS!
I have since slowed down to a crawl keeping my eye on Crazy Heffa cuz it looks like she's gonna bolt. I pull up off the median right next to the woman who was hit and roll my window down making the universal "phone" symbol with my thumb and little finger up to my ear and mouth. She's super shook up, of course, and her car is smashed pretty good so I pull up in front of her and call the police giving them the plate number of Crazy Heffa cuz she still hasn't gotten out of her truck and I'm willing to BET she was debating on whether she should just roll off.
I get out and go over to the chick who has been hit to make sure she's okay. She's okay and gets out of her car on the phone too. She's dressed for the office. Dressed WELL for the office. (I know good ish when I see it.) But she's shaking and clearly in shock so I'm trying to talk soothing to her to calm her. "You're okay...don't worry...I saw everything...I'm on the phone with the police."
I'm still on the phone with the police and I have Crazy Heffa in my peripheral to my right while I'm talking to the police and the chick who was hit.
Finally Crazy Heffa gets out, looks at her truck and stalks over. She starts cutting the fool with Hit Chick yelling bout she had her blinker on.
Me in Scooby Doo voice: ARRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUU??????? I don't give a damn if you had your blinker on I'm thinking...you still need space to get in and you need to learn how to yield and MERGE properly!
I told the police that they are about to fight and I'm like getting into the argument with Crazy Heffa who is screaming at Hit Chick. Hit Chick is pointing at me yelling "I HAVE A WITNESS I HAVE A WITNESS! DO YOU SEE HER DO YOU SEE HER???????!!!!!!!!!" which makes Crazy Heffa stop yelling at Hit Chick and starts mean mugging me.
Now. Yall KNOW I'm a Ninja. But ya see...one of the Ninja Criteria on the final exam is that you realize when you're at a disadvantage and take steps accordingly. So whilst my initial thought was...HEFFA I AIN'T THE ONE AND DON'T LET THE SMOOTH TASTE FOOL YA CUZ I WILL WHUP YO AZZ IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT ESCALATING THIS UP A NOTCH....SIP (yall know SIP, my Stoopit Imaginary Person) was like...you betta get yo azz back in your truck hell...you just had surgery and we can't take that ghetto mafia mama with one arm. (See...sometimes SIP can be the voice of reason too!) AND...I'm thinking about how Robby would take the keys to my truck away from me and lock my azz in the house till I'm 100% again.
All this time...I'm still on the phone with the police so they can hear everything. And then...like magic...Hit Chick got business like as she shook off the initial shock and became herself again. She whipped out her pen and pad and Drill Sergeant like stepped up RIGHT IN FRONT of Crazy Heffa and said "Get your insurance information out. NOW."
Oh crap.
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABY! CreoleInDC got quiet, the 911 operator got quiet, Crazy Heffa got quiet and then...she went to her truck SAYING NUTTIN and got her ish out.
I WAS DYING LAUGHIN ON THE INSIDE! (Why on the inside? Cuz I ain't want no dang trouble of course.)
I asked the po-po if I needed to stay longer and was told to give my info to Hit Chick as well. They didn't need to say that as Hit Chick rolled up on me, introduced herself, shook my hand, and asked me for my contact information thanking me for my assistance. I did as I was told cuz I was CLEARLY a bystander and in charge of NUTTIN in this situation. LOL!
My assessment of this situation changed DRASTICALLY as I knew...with certainty...that if Crazy Heffa started some mo ish...Hit Chick was gonna beat her azz on side of the road and prolly have her trussed up turkey style by the time the police got there. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Since I'd been given my hall pass to proceed by Hit Chick, I got in my truck and left. Ten minutes later my phone rings and it's the State Trooper calling to get my statement. I told em what I saw and let them know I was available if they needed anything else.
I have a feeling though...nuttin else from me will be required. Hit Chick GOT THAT.
Hats off to you Chica. Initially I thought I was gonna have to figure out a way to protect BOTH of us on side of the road from Crazy Heffa. LOVE the fact that you can switch it up just as quickly as I can. LOVE THAT!
