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February 09, 2007

Re-Post: Cherished

Cherished_1Last Saturday, I went to a movie in Chinatown with a girlfriend. It was super cold and when I get the shivers, it makes my incision hurt.

My truck was on "E" because I wasn't feeling well the day before and didn't stop for gas after running errands.

When I told Robby I was meeting Taya, he said he'd drive me to the Metro so I didn't have to get gas and so when I returned the truck would be already warm.

He asked me a bunch of questions, made sure I had my fandango printout and that I knew exactly where I was going. He told me to be careful half a dozen times and kissed me when he dropped me off and said, I love you and be careful just ONE MORE TIME before he watched me enter the train station.

I'm 37 years old. I've rode the train thousand's of times without any mishaps. I'm fully capable of pumping gas as well as remembering to print out my ticket. I'm smarter than the average bear and Robby knows this. But...he also CHERISHES me.

I'm reading the comments regarding the statement my male friend made and I want to point out that I've kinda heard something like that before. In fact...I was just discussing this because I was thinking about something my surrogate dad told me which made me reflect upon our relationship wherein he thinks his job is to take care of me too. He knows Robby is doing a DAMN good job...but he always makes it known he's here for me and I have no doubt that if something tragic were to ever happen...he'd be right there taking care of me.

Where does this come from I've wondered? Why or HOW is it that here I am...a VERY smart, VERY strong woman...and yet...most of the men in my life have felt or feel the need to take care of me. What is it that I'm exhibiting that brings out the protective side of men because it's always been that way. What aura do I put off to my man that my safety is ALWAYS on his mind and even though I'm grown and not a damsel in distress...he still wants to check if I remembered to turn the alarm on because he usually does it and he's out of town and needs the thought of my being home alone safe?

I guess it goes back to interactions with my daddy and watching the way he took care of us when he wasn't sick. He was THE MAN and probably I took from that the unconscious ability to allow the man to take control. Now as to how I maneuver within this without allowing them to CONTROL me...that's what I'm trying to get at.

How do you let a man be in control WITHOUT CONTROLLING YOU?

My best friend, Cojoe, has always "taken care" of me when I was sick. In fact, a lot of times, he was the only person who knew what I was dealing with and would step seamlessly into the lead roll making sure I took my meds or did what the doctors said I was supposed to be doing. And this started when we were in college...so yeah...he wasn't even 20 yet and "taking care" of me. Stepping into that lead roll naturally.

I've watched women whom this doesn't come easy for. I've seen them arguing back and forth with a man in a way that they didn't think was arguing but to me...was arguing. And yes...about the simplest of things like what would be the best way to go to get to the beltway. Why is that worth arguing? If he's driving...put on your seat belt and enjoy the fact that YOU'RE not the one driving in traffic. Let him handle it.

Is it because you don't want to be wrong? Do you find it an insult that here you are...a grown azz woman...and this fool doesn't think you can do anything? Has this man proved to you in the past that you can't trust his judgment?

Well...know this...if you're thinking either of those...you have a lot of work to do and maybe...this relationship isn't for you. You have to TRUST your man to take care of you. To CHERISH you and want the best for you and deliver.

My husband CHERISHES me. Now I'm not going to say that sometimes his level of detail isn't annoying...but my level of annoyance can usually be traced to what time of the month it is for me. LOL!

Probably one of the biggest reasons I love my guy so dang much is because I TRUST him with my care. And I know that goes both ways. He trusts that if need me...I could be trusted with taking care of us and I trust that until I have to...I don't really have to worry about much that might cause me stress because my guy has it all under control.


I know I say a lot of off the wall stuff...I know my thoughts on men and women are archiac at best...but hey...I'm happy in my marriage and solid.  CHERISHED.

Princes recognize Princesses.  :)

Any thoughts? What does the word cherished mean to you in terms of relationships?  Have you ever had it?  Would you recognize it if you haven't?


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I am not sure if you read old posts but if so I would like to hear your thoughts on this. I have often thought about how my experiences in life have shaped the type of guys that I tend to attract. I have always been pretty independent and for the most part taken care of myself. My mother was a single mom. My dad never worried about me and always believed that I could take care of myself. I remember my dismay when, during my last year of college, I got stranded at Logan airport, after missing the last bus to where I was going and on top of that learning that the check that my dad gave me bounced and I had no money and nowhere to go. I called my dad to ask for help. His response was "did you ask me or tell me that you were going to boston?" I hadn't. He then said. "then you figure your own way out." It hurts even now to think about how devastated I was that he didn't help me. I ended up spending the night with one of the porters (who thank God wasn't an axe murderer)who also gave me money to catch the bus the next day. So what did I learn from all of that? I learned to be tough. I learned to survive. I learned that I didn't need anyone to take care of me. I also learned about the kindness of strangers. So what does that have to do with the price of eggs in China? I feel that because of my life experiences I attract guys that feel pretty confident in my ability to take care of my self and do not worry about me. Should I need a man to ? The men I meet are for the most part gentlemen, kind, compassionate but they don't dote on me the way you are describing. I talked to one of my things she thought that it was a black thing and that black men are socialized to believe that black women are super strong, independent and don't need a man to take care of them and so they are less likely to than their white counterparts. There is the stereotype that white men with black women treat them like princesses. What do you think? Do I need to be doted on and cherished? Is this a white/black thing? If you didn't see this growing up how do you get it into your head that this is how the world is supposed to be? If your man isn't this way because he doesn't know how to be this way then what? what others have to say.
i wish you could re-post this blog i am curious to hear
for the record-roslyn is so wise. so wise. I love reading her posts

The topic of letting a man be a man has been floating around some blogs I read lately and I honestly think some people think it's a one thing or another type concept. Some people reading this would assume you're being arcahiac because they haven't delved down into what you're really trying to say or they'll assume you've set the woman's movement back decades. This isn't a black and white subject but one with many different nuances. It really all depends on the individuals involved and how their relationship works.

I've been married for 10 years but my Hubby and I have been together for 14 years - directly out of high school. I can honestly share your sentiments regarding being cherished and those of your friend when he pointed out how "girlie" you are with your husband. I am the same way. Love (true love) is a blessing and it brings out the best in both parties. Love is not about control for me because I believe that man is head of the house yet, this does not devalue me as a woman or as his wife, therefore, in our marriage it's a beautiful thing(mind you I work, I have my Masters Degree and outside interests as well).

We have two beautiful daughters and I'm constantly reminded that their relationships may very well depend on the calliber of ours. For them I set the best example I can, because I love my Husband and vice versa we strive to be our best selves for each other as well as for ourselves.

@ RGS: There is a difference...one that I know well.

I'm glad you and your wife have a system that works for YOU...but please note that for some odd reason it seems that everyone is NOT the same. Me and my guy...we got this...cool? Cool.

Archaic to some I may be...but I like it like that. A LOT. And in my world...which INCLUDES this little corner of the net...that's ALL THAT MATTERS.

ALWAYS nice to meet new people. ALWAYS.

Wow! Your Ideas are very archaic. There is a difference between being cherished and being treated like a child. From reading your blog, it seems like you have been through a lot, thus there may be a desire from people to be protective of you. This is understandable. I believe my wife and I cherish and love each other, but I like her independence. You can lose yourself, by becoming too dependent on someone else to take care of you.

I can't say that my father cherishes my mother, but after 52 years they are still rollin together. I do think that my father cherishes me and my sister. Probably because he had 6 brothers and no sisters! He and my Uncles have always been my models of a man, husband and father.

In my marriage I think I was loved and respected. Not cherished. I think things would have turned out differently if I had been cherished and fully appreciated.

All I know is that the next time, when I am cherished (and I will recognize it)this big mouth girl from Philly is going step back, let her man run the show, and be a damn good Queen to my King. When you know better, you do better.

Your views on men and women aren't archaic. They are old school values that many of us (men and women) have forgotten or never learned.

@ MizJJ: "Yeah, I said it."

Girl...you ALWAYS crack me up! ROFLMAO!

I think to sum up better what I'm trying to say...read Roslyn's comment. She said it waaaaaaaaaaay better than I could have said it.

(I'm still laughin by the way! LOL!)

I wasn't talking about you and Robby. I was talking more in general about this post and the other that was related to it. Obviously nobody is the boss of you or controls you. Lol.

I think both people need to play an active role in supporting and cherishing each other. There may be a situation where it seems like you need to let your man "be the man", but what if he is unsure? What if he wants to talk about it a bit? Does that make him less of a man? That is a lot of pressure for one person "to be the man". What if something happens and the man can not "be the man"? I think you need to share the responsiblities and from what I have seen of relationships where that doesn't happen the men burn out. Seriously. I do not necessarily believe it is natural for the man to take the lead at all times. Yeah, I said it.

I'm definitely onboard with this post. I'm modern and liberal, but in lots of ways, I'm as old-fashioned as they come. A strong, confident, intelligent man will WANT to make his woman feel special and cherished. It's not about control. As a strong, confident, intelligent woman, I LET my husband take the lead. In his role, we are in unison.

Here's a simple example to break it down. Am I able to change a flat tire? Yep, my daddy made sure of that. Did I change the last one that occurred? Nope, let hubby handle that. That's an oversimplification, but ya'll get my point.

See, here's the thing, and I'm not going to spend a lot of time on this because I'm in deadline hell right now. I swore I'd have my story up on my website by Valentine's Day and I'm only halfway there.

Just as there are tons of women out there that don't know how to be cherished, there are tons of men who don't know how to cherish. A lot of men think being the 'head of the household' is all about being dominant and waited on hand and foot. Nothing is further from the truth. In actuality, the head of the household is actually the servant to the household. (And no, I don't mean servant in a derogatory sense.) Let me give you one example. I grew up in a house that had a woodburning stove (no, I'm not that old, just country as all hell). All my life my daddy was the first person to get up in the morning to stoke that stove so his wife and children didn't have to get up in a cold house. Now, what did he get in return for his service? That man was the most coddled man on the planet! My mama acted as though God had given her a solid lump of gold. She knew she had an honorable man and acted accordingly.

Cherishing your family means you put someone else's needs, and sometimes even their wants ahead of your own, and when a woman sees a man doing and realizes that she can trust him she has no problem being vulnerable with him. Unfortunately, too few men have a true understanding of what being the head of a family really entails. And others have no intention of doing it, so you have this dichotomy.

@ MizJJ: Can we talk about this?

I think if you're thinking I mean Robby is the boss of me...then you didn't get what I was attempting to say because, as he will tell you vehemently...that is DEFINITELY not the case. LOL. BUT...the fact that that's what you got out of this post causes me some pause. In fact...a lot of pause. It's not about who is the boss and if you're trying to fit people into labels that will cause conflict...it's already a losing battle. It's about taking care of one another within the proper confines of a healthy, strong NATURALLY evolved relationship.

There is a delicate balance between relinquishing control in certain situations as opposed to being CONTROLLED. CreoleInDC is NOT controlled. LOL!

I'm sorry that didn't come across in my post.

Interesting post. I have my own thoughts on this and maybe it is why I am still single. I think a confident man wants a confident, independent partner. Someone who can do for themselves and support them. I do not know if I will ever allow the man to take the lead because I do not believe in one person being the boss. Neither him, nor me. I think I would be resentful.

WOW, Monnie your post addresses so many different issues I don't know where to begin. Growing up, I NEVER had an example of a man who "cherished" a woman. My father did the complete opposite and my mother stayed with him for 25 years!

As a result, I have been in relationships where I have pretty much taken a bunch of mess and tried to "work it out" much the same as my mother did. Thank God that I didn't waste 25 years on them though.

I just hope and pray that when the man that God has for me comes along, I will be able to receive his love and allow him to love and "cherish" me in the way that I now know I deserve.

@ Watchyoself: I deleted your post because I'm past that situation. I don't know the person you are refering to trying to, as you say, "stir up trouble", but it doesn't matter.

I recognized a problem and addressed it head on. I'm done. Both parties in this situation know how we feel and the line has been drawn in the sand. We can co-exist on WWW without the other just fine.

Thanks for the "warning."


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