We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
* CROP DUSTING *
· When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is
not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where
it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell
has left your pants.
* FLY BY *
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check
for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
* ESCAPEE *
· A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a
stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
* JAILBREAK *
· When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover if this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
* COURTESY FLUSH *
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME .
* WALK OF SHAME *
· Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.
* OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER *
· A colleague who poops at work and is doggone proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
* THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) *
· A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
* SAFE HAVENS *
· A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
* TURD BURGLAR *
· Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
* CAMO-COUGH *
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a
SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
* SHIRLEY TEMPLE *
· A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying g a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
* WATERMELON *
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This
is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a diversion. See CA MO-COUGH.
* HAVANA-OMELET *
· A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH
with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
* AUNT BETTY *
· A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP
YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~
The King Poop
This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until
you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop
You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
Cement Block
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get
rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
The Bungee Poop
The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.
The Crippler
The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Party Pooper
The giant poop you take at a party And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
