There are a few things about IVF that you learn the hard way because it doesn't seem that folks remember to tell you about them before they happen.
Imma list a few of them here.
1. When you unpack your medicine, label the needles IMMEDIATELY so you know what needle goes with what.
2. Section off one section of your fridge to put your meds in. Organization is key.
3. Injecting crap in your stomach makes it bloated.
4. You will start to feel tired.
5. You WILL have the worst headache in the world on Lupron which is another reason I call it BITCH.JUICE. Think your worst migraine...times a hunnert and sixty five million billion.
6. Lupron will make you evil. Seriously. EVIL. That sweet chick you may be known as will be damn near buried.
7. Lupron will make you sometimes feel leaky. Don't ask for further clarification. You'll know if it happens to you.
8. Lupron will make some folks have blurry vision and make your eyes kinda hurt. Computer and cellphone screens will drive you mad.
9. Menopur burns. Nothing you can do about it.
10. Make sure the bevel of the needle is up before you inject.
11. If you pinch your skin really taunt before injecting needle...it hurts less. (I can't figure out if it's just because the pain of pinching your skin that hard just overshadows the needle.)
12. You're going to get bloated. Just...ew. I hate it. (I know I said that already but I kinda REALLY take this hard.)
13. Follistim is the easiest medicine to administer.
14. Set an alarm on your cellphone so you never forget to take your meds. Cuz it will happen.
15. The night after you take your meds for the night...pack a ziploc bag with everything you will need to take tomorrow. This way...if you're ever running late...you can do it quickly.
16. Organization is the key.
17. Before you leave your home for your retrieval...make sure you have a large bottle of prune juice and a large bottle of apple juice. Why? After retrieval you will get constipated something ferocious. I mix half prune and half apple and warm in microwave for thirty seconds and drink quickly.
18. Have suppositories on hand just in case. They aren't as bad as you think I promise. I've only had to use it once...but it worked really quickly. (I know...gross.)
19. No matter what anyone tells you...you should stay home the day of transfer. Just relax. Seriously. And laugh.
20. If there are any negative influences in your life...remove them. I don't give a rat's azz who it is. This shit is rough, expensive, and emotionally draining. Don't deal with ANYONE...even your mother...who doesn't make it easier for you.
21. Ask for the progesterone that isn't in the form of a shot. That ish hurts.
22. You will HATE whomever administers your trigger shot. The shit hurts. Sorry...it hurts. It won't kill you...but yeah...it hurts.
23. Sonograms suck.
24. Frequent blood work is annoying but necessary.
25. Give the nurse your cellphone number to call with your results and keep the phone with you.
26. When they call with your instructions, request an email with the instructions too so you may refer to it if you get confused.
27. Wine is your friend. I know it's mine.
28. If you have any questions write them down before you go in so you don't forget.
29. Try to get as much sleep as possible and relax, relax, relax.
30. You will want to kill your husband or partner several times every day. It's normal. You won't act upon it but when you open your email and he has sent you three emails in a row about the history of flatulence while you are pumped full of HORRID, HORRID DRUGS...it will cross your mind. I promise you. Just remember him as he was on your wedding day. That was a good day. He was sweet and loving and he cried. Imagine those tears are tears that you SQUOZE out his eyes as you had his head between a vice for sending you THREE EMAILS ABOUT FLATULENCE and it will be oddly satisfying.
Seriously.
Happy IVF. Good luck.
