This was the second time today she'd felt the pinch in her side. A sharp pain that made her catch her breath and she inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. The first time was when she was doing the laundry and now...as she was running errands.
"Are you okay?"
She opened her eyes and saw a woman with two children looking at her expectantly.
"Yes. I'm okay. I just felt a sharp pinch in my side."
"Are you sure?" the woman looked skeptical.
"Yes...thank you. Have a nice day." and she walked away pushing her grocery cart in the opposite direction.
She moved fast picking up the few things she needed from the overpriced gourmet grocery store and went to the fastest moving line. On the magazine rack she noted the "Fit Pregnancy" magazine and reached for it when she saw the story "Pregnant After 40" on the cover. She stopped herself and had to focus on keeping her hands to her sides so as not to pick it up and flip through it or purchase it.
"Did you find every thing you needed?" the cashier asked.
"Yes. Thank you for asking." and she handed the cashier her recyclable bags.
She made it out to her car and loaded up her groceries to head home. She'd had a long day of preparing for tonight and she was determined everything would follow through without a hitch. She hadn't seen her husband in a week...
...and he was on his way home from a conference he'd spoken at in Santa Monica and today was their 14th wedding anniversary.
**
She stopped at the Rite Aid down the street from her home because she never shopped there. After living in their community for over 10 years she was known every place she regularly shopped and she got tired of the looks even if they weren't the looks she imagined they were. See...they'd been married for 14 years and for 9 of those years...she'd been trying to get pregnant and that meant more pregnancy tests than a woman should have to ever see.
And for 9 years...nothing happened.
She bought the pregnancy test and left quickly....driving home with an exaggerated calmness she didn't feel. Today was their anniversary and it was the first time since they'd been trying to have a baby that she'd find out if all the treatments actually worked on their actual anniversary. She'd been so excited and she wanted to keep it a surprise from her husband. She just knew all the stars were aligned for this time to be the time. She planned it from the beginning of her cycle and kept it a secret from him all this time. He traveled so much and worked so hard that there was no way he'd be able to go to the appointments with her anyway and since they had frozen embryos...well...he kinda really wasn't needed.
And she wanted to surprise him.
Because she knew that this time...THIS time...was it.
Even as she'd known THIS time was it many times before.
But it never was.
**
She set the table using their wedding china. The tablescape colors were the same as their wedding had been. Deep plum and gray. Such a lovely wedding. Everyone said so. She'd planned it herself and it was perfect. The catalyst for her current business as an event planner. She was an artist.
She created.
Because she couldn't create that which she wanted so desperately to create.
And she laid out the settings in their lovely dining room for two at a table that seated 12.
Because they'd wanted a big family and big holidays and noise, noise, noise. Lots of love, noise and laughter.
And she started dinner.
When the phone rang she wiped her hand on the towel on the counter and answered it.
"Hi honey!"
"Hey...I just landed."
"Yay! I'm so happy you're home!"
"Me too. See you in about forty minutes. You need me to stop and pick up anything?"
And she smiled because he was always so thoughtful.
"No, but thank you for asking. Just come home."
"Okay."
"Drive safe. I love you."
"Love you too."
She set the timer on the oven to go off in thirty minutes and put the dish of manicotti in the oven. She made a last check of the rest of the dishes and placed the bottle of wine on the table and then she rushed upstairs to shower quickly and get dressed. She'd decided months ago that she would dress for dinner tonight and she'd purchased the most perfect sienna colored dress to wear because she knew it would be a monumental dinner and she wanted everything to be perfect. The morning spent at the stylist getting her roots touched up so she'd have that perfect shade of blond was worth it. The $450 she'd spent was worth every penny.
As she finished getting dressed in their dressing room she stepped into her heels admiring the way they made her butt lift and she turned and viewed her look from every angle.
Finally satisfied she went back in the bedroom and dug around in her purse for the heartbeat inside. The pregnancy test. It had been vibrating in her mind calling for her to hurry and use it. Nine years of trying to get pregnant. One test per month. Sometimes two.
She always had to force herself to not buy one. It was an addiction. No matter how many times she said she wouldn't do it to herself again...she always did anyway.
But this time was different. The stars were all aligned...it was perfect. She had 15 minutes left before he'd be home and it only took 5 minutes to know for sure. She'd have that 10 minutes of happiness to herself knowing that finally, finally...it worked and then she could present it to him as soon as he walked through the door.
He'd be such a good father.
And she did what she had to do and placed the stick on the counter inside a long gift box to wait.
5 minutes.
...but it took less than 3.
NOT PREGNANT.
And she stared at that damn stick in disbelief. She looked in the mirror and saw what she ran from so often. Her pain. That edge of something dark that always lived right around the rim.
She closed her eyes to the pain. Bit her lip to bottle down the hurt...the pain...the anguish. And she whimpered softly which gave way to a cry which gave way to a gurgle so primeval it was unrecognizable in modern times.
She grabbed the back of her vanity chair and held on for all she could. She squeezed and squeezed and squeezed but the pain was too much and she knew that as she picked up the chair and slung it into the mirror in front of her shattering it to pieces while one shard...large enough to kill...embedded itself into her cheek right under her eye and she fell, hit her head and lay in the midst of the glass with blood leaking from her wounds...
...unconscious...
...and fully prepared to die.
