Author's note: This is a character I've been working on. This is what she was thinking and doing before action was called on the set. Her life is about to change today but I'd like to know if you can SEE her. If so...what does she look like? TO YOU.
It's been about two years now I suppose. Maybe more because I can't even remember what today is. Wait...I saw "24" last night so that was Monday so today must be Tuesday and it's May. Late May. I know that much because Memorial Day sales commercials be coming on the tv.
Be coming.
Lawd my daddy would have skinned me alive if he'd heard me talking that way. Why do I always sound like some old Negro character actor in my head?
I'm currently sitting outside enjoying a cup of coffee. Coffee is the one thing I haven't cut back on. I mean sure...I don't waste any like I used to mind you but I still get the good stuff. Oily, dark roasted fresh beans. I store them in that airtight canister I searched high and low for forever ago and make my coffee in my fancy coffee maker every morning. Fresh ground. If I have any left over, I put it in the fridge and reheat it the next day. I can't be wasting no coffee man and day old coffee gets a bad rap by the masses.
Be wasting.
I gotta get up and out of here today so I can fax these distribution papers in. My unemployment ran out, of course...hey...it's been bout two years now. I take out a bit every 6 months. Enough to cover my mortgage and car insurance. Household bills and whatnot. Thank God I didn't buy that new car when I was thinking on it back when I had a work home that I'd gone to faithfully everyday for 12 years right out of grad school.
I've been watching "Ellen" because she makes me laugh big old belly laughs although I've started to have issues lately because of all the people she's been helping out recently and I wonder if I'd tell her all my business so she could give me a car or pay off my mortgage or something. But mostly I just be laughing cuz Ellen is funny as hell.
Be laughing.
I never lived big. I always had enough by simply not needing much. My home is simple out in a quiet area and I live a quiet life. My phone doesn't ring. Not my home phone because I shut that off when I shut off the cable. I didn't really need either of them. I have a computer and internet so I can watch movies and tv shows online. My cell phone is the basic plan with the minimum minutes because nobody calls me anyway. People don't know how to be there for you when you're going through tough economic times cuz money is just so hard to talk about I guess. My friends invite me someplace and I can't go even though I'd love to and after so many I can'ts...they stopped giving me the opportunity. I didn't go to the wedding of my line sister and they thought it was because I was jealous because she was getting married. The truth of the matter is that I couldn't afford the flight, hotel, food and gift. Her wedding added up to a month of living for me. But they think it's cuz I be hatin because I don't have a man or children or the life they have chased down until they are thread bare.
Be hatin.
Ain't none of their business no how.
But no...I don't have nobody to take care of me when I get old. Don't have nobody or nothing and no...I can't buy you a baby shower gift or a house warming gift or give your kid a First Communion card with cash.
I should have adopted that puppy but they gotta eat too and have shots and all kinds of stuff that costs money.
I'm living now as if I have nothing to look forward to except this cup of coffee in the morning sitting outside on the patio of my comfortable, adequate home because I don't. I stopped looking for a job months ago. I leave my home on Thursday to buy my food for the week. I don't need much. Two packs of chicken do me fine and I've been growing stuff I can eat too. Frozen veggies are always on sale and I simply eat what goes on sale come Wednesday. Right now my life costs me about $1,200 hard cash a month to live. After I take out this distribution today, I'll have about $92,000 left in my 401k. Good thing I always put in the max all those years for all my years left over. I do the math all the time cuz I be thinking. But this is all I can do right now. Live small and quiet and wake up every day. All that thinking will make a person feel desperate. I have lots of time for desperate when I stop avoiding the mirrors.
Be thinking.
Well...that was my last swallow of coffee and I'm not in the mood for another cup today. The enjoyment it brings me makes me think everything was normal again even as I know that's a dream but I be wishing. I be wishing. I be wishing. I be wishing. I read they don't start harassing you really until you've missed 3 months of mortgage payments so I can always tack that time on at the end.
Be wishing.
Lord...please give me the strength to repair my broken will. Please. Please make it harder for me to accept my life as it is now. Please make me want to re-join the pulse before I'm far too content with the quiet.
I be praying.
