Hey Monnie,
If at all possible, I’d like you to present this scenario to The Tribe and ask their opinion. I apologize in advance for the length, feel free to shorten it.
Two months ago, my sister died from breast cancer. She had a 27 year old daughter and a 12 year old son; I’ll call them Vera and Roger.
Unfortunately my sister did not have a written directive indicating who she wanted to care for Roger. My sister’s boyfriend/Roger’s father lived with them, but he was never “hands on” and does not have a job. Vera has two young children of her own and is on public assistance.
Early in my sister’s illness, Vera asked my sister that she be allowed to care for Roger if anything ever happened to my sister and my sister agreed. As my sister’s illness progressed, she asked Vera to handle her finances. However, she soon realized Vera was not using the money appropriately. My sister then asked our mother to take over the finances and legally appointed our mom to be in charge of the money she and Roger received from Social Security. During this time, whenever asked, she always said she wanted Vera and Roger’s father to care for Roger. A few days before she passed, she told my mother that she wanted my mom to care for Roger. Vera, however, was still under the impression that she would be the primary caregiver for Roger.
With no job and later no place to live, Roger’s father sent Roger to live with Vera. Having no legal authority, my mother was unable to object. Vera was very clear that she was not going to “allow” anybody else to take Roger. Based on previous behavior and Vera’s overall mentality, my mother, other family members, and I are convinced that Vera is so adamant about caring for her brother simply for the monthly check. She has no high school diploma or job, and her children are not being raised as well as they could be if her circumstances were different. Overall, Vera is just not responsible enough to care for a teenage boy.
A month ago, my mom filed papers to become Roger’s legal guardian. Needless to say Roger’s father and Vera are quite upset. Vera no longer communicates with the family unless it is a necessity (although this alienation started soon after my sister died but has become more intense). However, she seemed to be allowing Roger to interact with us whenever he wanted. He recently attended a family function at my aunt’s house and my mom enrolled him in a martial arts class he was interested in.
Fast forward to yesterday. My mom called Roger to ensure he would be ready for his martial arts class but he didn’t answer. She called Vera, no answer. She decided to go to Vera’s apartment. When she got there, Vera and Roger were not there. My mom called Vera again and she finally answered and told my mom that they had gone to visit some of Roger’s father’s relatives in a nearby city and that Roger would not be going to martial arts. My mom was pissed. Today my mom gets a call from Roger’s daycamp telling her that Vera’s daughter had not been picked up (Vera’s daughter and Roger attend the same camp) and that Roger was found walking in the middle of traffic. The camp initially called Vera, but did not get an answer. My mom headed over to the camp but when she got there, Roger and Vera’s daughter had left. She then went to Vera’s apartment to talk to Roger but all she got from him was head shaking and “nothing” when asked what’s going on with him. Vera offered no help in trying to figure out what was going on. Vera claimed that since my mom brought on the custody case, Roger has been acting out because he does not want to live with my mother. My mom ended up leaving very frustrated since she was not able to determine what is going on.
What would you do? Would you drop the custody case? Would you try to get emergency custody of Roger? What would you try to offer Vera as she is obviously hurting very deeply? What about Vera’s children (ages 6 and 1)? Any other advice?
