Doghouse

My husband is in the doghouse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why you ask?

Because he accused me of lying and cheating on him...hypothetically.

Yesterday Shelly sent me a question and answer from an advice column. In the subject line she asked:

QUESTION: Would YOU take him back?

Q. Brain Tumor Adultery: Several months ago my husband turned into an unrecognizable person. He began snapping at me and our kids, then quickly became cruel toward us. He openly began sleeping with a woman half our age. He left our family to be with her and we have been going through a hellacious divorce. Not long ago he discovered that he had a sizeable brain tumor, which apparently affected his behavior. He has had the brain tumor removed and is undergoing chemotherapy. He is also racked with guilt and can see how awfully he behaved; he has shown me true remorse. My husband wants to give our marriage another go and has cited the brain tumor as the reason he behaved how he did. I cannot bring myself to forgive him, though, even if he's not entirely responsible for his recent behavior. Should I give our marriage time, or am I justified in pursuing my divorce?

A: This is the reason I so often say that when someone has a gradual, or sudden, change in character or personality, a complete physical and mental evaluation is called for. I think "The brain tumor made me do it" is a pretty compelling excuse. Of course it doesn't undo the pain that was caused, but it does explain your husband was not in his right mind. If, no matter what the cause, you are done with your marriage, then I don't see how you return to it. If you can get some distance from your pain and see that a medical crisis was causing his behavior, perhaps there's hope. In any case, your kids have been through an awful trauma. Their father turned into someone else, and now he's very ill. Please get some counseling for the whole family. You don't have to decide what you want the outcome of this to be. But having a safe place for all of you to express your pain and your fears will at least allow you to go forward with everyone's best interests in focus.

My answer to Shelly's question: If this was Robby...absolutely. ABSOLUTELY.

And then she called later and we were discussing it and I followed up my answer with: I'd be like...I knew your azz was having brain problems hell. Bring your azz on so I can bathe you in bleach. Got my nerves all bad and now we got doctor's appointments and shit we're late for. HURRY UP AND GET YO ISH!

And we were laughing.

The Robinator was in our home office and came downstairs and asked me what we were talking about so I started reading the question out loud to him. When I asked him would he take me back this punk VEHEMENTLY started saying...NO, NO! YOU'S A LIE! YOU'S A LIE! I mean...dude wouldn't even let me finish! He was all like...that's a likely story to try and blame it on a brain tumor. You'd have to take me to the doctor and let the doctor tell me that ish could really happen.

And I'm blinking, Tsiporah walks in during his outburst so she's all...DA HELL???? And Shelly is on the phone DYING.LAUGHING!

Robby: You wouldn't let me get away with that. Your azz would have me evaluated for a second opinion.

Me: Actually...my answer was the opposite of yours. I said I would ABSOLUTELY take you back.

Robby: (looking sheepish) Oh. Um...

SIP: OH MY AZZ! YOU DIDN'T EVEN LISTEN TO THE WHOLE THING BEFORE YOU WUZ ALL...YOU'S A LIE! YOU'S A LIE!

Humph.

I woke up this morning STILL giving him shit about it.

Me: Did you eat breakfast yet?

Robby: No.

SIP: YOU'S A LIE! YOU'S A LIE!

Me: Do you need lunch today?

Robby: Yes.