I made a transformation in my life from being mad at the world to being the me I love being today in the midst of a storm. Turns out it was the midst of several storms actually. Thunderstorms which hadn't fully stopped raining. Winds that were still blowing debris in my path which I simply chose to step over and ignore not realizing I'd have to deal with one day in order to see the sunshine.
I used to be a roamer. Like...I loved to get in my car and drive at odd hours of the night on a long winding road with nothing but the darkness and music. I'd drive much faster than I should drive hoping, wishing, praying that my painful memories would be left behind. Her smile, his laughter, her laughter, his smile. Their love. Our tragedy.
And I'd drive faster, seemingly, without a care in the world and I never, ever, out drove the pain.
No matter how much I tried.
No matter how much I cried.
Alone in my own head.
I know now I was daring something to happen to me. Daring the Universe to make my pain worse.
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO ME NEXT? WHAT DO YOU THINK I CAN'T SURVIVE? WHY DO YOU HATE ME?
WHY?
WHY?
WHY?
And the Universe kept showing me.
But to everyone else I stood tall. Cocky even. Back when I was young and cute and perky and I could get away with it because it was easy giving the cute girl a pass.
And not hold her accountable.
And then I stopped running away from it all because it got to be too much and started focusing on it and that vortex was amazing in it's clarity. To be able to pinpoint the pain that way...made me know I was still alive and in the game.
So I played.
And I breathed life into myself by stepping away from all the ugly. I found myself less selfish. Less willing to think I could exist without anyone else.
I realized I wasn't an island and that there are times when we all will need someone for something and that if I continued to hold myself aloof from experiencing life as a PART of something bigger than me...I'd miss out on it all.
Now...I won't say that there aren't periods where I find myself falling back into the doubtful part of that space but I have so much love and beauty and favor around me that I know how to tread water and get back on my dry land.
And I cleanse my spirit by purging all the clutter and all of the bad stuff robbing me of beautiful thoughts. I do this and allow myself the luxury of being helpful when I can. I don't close off and shut people out. I listen and I hug. I do as my mother would do. More often than not.
And I don't pretend my life is perfect. I don't put on a fake smile and fake mannerisms in order to get by. I get by simply by being honest with myself about myself, where I've been, what I've overcome and where I want to go.
I've learned the hard way before and that lesson was so hard that I never need to learn it again.
When you trust no one...don't be surprised if no one trusts you.
When you feel hopeless it shows and manifests in everything you do.
When you hate it shows and manifests in everything you do.
When you haven't dealt with the pains of your life it shows and manifests in everything you do.
No matter how much you try to pretty up to pretend all is awesome.
I know this truth first hand.
I've lived it.
And I know to never try it again.
In order to have the life you love you have to learn to love life and with that comes understanding you don't exist alone.
I know I'm rambling...so I'll stop there. I hope you understood what I was trying to say. No matter where you are right this minute from rock bottom to the best place ever...focus on what's in FRONT of you. Be conscious that every.single.thought you have, every.single.thing you do will build upon where you are NOW.
You can always do better.
Thank God for that truth.
