Q. I'm Dying, Husband Affair: I am 32 and have been married to my husband, the love of my life and best friend, for the past five years. A little over a year ago I was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and currently only have about six-to-eight months left. This has been very hard, but I am starting to come to terms with the reality of the situation. My husband has been amazingly supportive of me during this time. We have no kids, and as my health has declined, he has sat with me through endless doctor appointments, hospital stays, and sleepless nights. On bad days he even has to help me bathe, and I know this has taken a toll on him. A few weeks ago while using his iPad to watch a movie, an email came in and I discovered he has been having a affair (emotional and sexual) with a co-worker for a few months now. For several days I cried, heartbroken at the betrayal, but now I feel like my husband deserves to have someone help him and support HIM through this emotional time. I have not confronted him about the affair, and were it not for the email and my subsequent snooping, I never would have known as I have not felt him pulling away from me. Do I confront my husband and tell him I understand? That although I am hurt, I forgive him and I don't want him to feel guilty? Or do I just keep quiet and let him continue? If our families find out after I'm gone, I'm worried they will think ill of him, and I don't want that either.
A: I am so sorry about your prognosis and so moved by your insight and compassion. If you don't have a therapist, please consider getting one in order to have someone neutral who can help you fully work through this and everything you are facing. But you have written to me for a reaction, and mine is that you should tell your husband. Don't frame it as a confrontation, but as a conversation. I can see you taking his hand one night and telling him that it was by accident, but a few weeks ago you found an email to him from the woman he is seeing. Then you tell him what you told me. That of course it was painful to discover, but on further reflection you realize he needs some relief from this terrible sadness. You can assure him that he has been a rock for you. This will be a hard, tearful discussion, but it will also probably be relief of a terrible, guilt-ridden burden for him. As for your family, you are very thoughtful to consider that if after your death it ever comes out there was someone else in his life, he will turn from angel to devil. You don't have to tell anyone else about this. But as you say your farewells to those closest to you, you can allude to it. Perhaps you can tell your family that you want them to know that life can be so difficult and complicated and that through all of it your husband has been everything you wanted. You can say you were lucky that you two never had any secrets. Thank you for this example of bravery and compassion.
From: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/04/dear_prudence_i_m_dying_and_my_husband_is_having_an_affair.html
