Good morning!I have never read the I hate my husband post. It was interesting. I have a personal question/comment/request for you.
You've spoken on your parents' relationship before, but do you know if your mother ever hated your father? You seem to be the child that every woman in this situation wants to have. You have a great marriage and home life. You're surrounded by good people and you're living your dreams. Every mother that's sacrificing themselves in a horrible marriage is hoping that they end up with a version of you because of it. How did you get to where you are? Are all of your siblings the same way? Maybe you can post about it in response to the I hate my husband post.
In my experience my mother divorced my father before i was born. I never grew up with him. My older sister has memories of living with him, and is more bonded to him. Growing up we didn't spend much time with him because we lived on separate coasts. When we did spend time together I kept my distance. I didn't know or trust him as he was a stranger to me. He never took the time or perhaps he didn't have the knowledge of how to bond with me either. I later found out that he didn't miss a single child support payment in twenty four years. No matter what he was going through he made sure that was taken care of, so maybe that was his way of being there.
In college he taught me how to tie a double windsor knot. That lesson was like gold to me, I put a tie on my dog. I have the picture somewhere. I later realized how much I'd missed out on by not having him around. I knew that he wasn't the best father or husband and wished he'd been better in those areas, but he still had something to offer and I'd missed out. That's something that I never wanted for my own kids.
I still have to deal with the demons of my parents' past. Not having my father around magnified my mother's issues as well as magnifying his absence. I can't say it would have been better with them being married, but I think I may have benefited had he been around. I can relate to the women's fear of their husbands disappearing on the kids because that's what I've seen happen and what I've experienced. It's the question of is something better than nothing? At what point is the something more damaging than the nothing?
Well I am speaking from my own experience as a child of divorce. You're someone with a more public voice who is emblematic of what mothers hope their sacrifices will produce. Maybe that's something you can speak about.
Have a wonderful day!
Books are probably what saved me. That and watching the true kindness and spirit that was my mother. Books kept me from internalizing a lot of the shit and books taught me that there were PLENTY of different options and formulas for happiness. Books taught me that I could choose my own path and that I didn't have to deal with any of the shit I was seeing.
I remember being really young and already side eying my mother wondering why in the hell she was dealing with the shit she was dealing with knowing she had options.
Because of that...I decided to never, ever, ever be with a man I couldn't trust with my wellbeing. After dealing with the for real trauma of their death (because I had YEARS of bad decisions before I actually, for real DEALT with my grief)...If I ever even sniffed the first sign of crazy...I was out of there. I didn't want to end up with my brains blown out under my kitchen table and I'm keeping it really, really real here. I would have TRULY rather been alone than uncomfortable IN ANY WAY in my own home. I value PEACE and insist that my home be my HAVEN and not my PRISON.
Oh...and God. God sent me true love in The Robinator. God sent me the kindest, smartest, most amazingly wonderful man alive to take care of me and for me to take care of. So...to answer your question...God and books saved me from repeating a cycle of that level of crazy. Oh...and good people like Ms. Joyce and Ms. Carolyn...my Louisiana mamas. They loved me and didn't take any of my crap. They reminded me REGULARLY...of their expectations. That's how I survived.
That's from my experience. Anybody have anything to add?
