Rantings of a Creole Princess

The Silver Lining: YOU have to do it!

Out of all the things in life I've had to deal with, child abuse, tragedy, cancer and infertility...infertility is the one that came close to breaking me.  Many of you were reading the blog back when we were trying to have a baby and it was one hell of a roller coaster of everything.  

And yeah...I barely survived it.  

Years later and I'll be in line at the grocery store and a kid is having a meltdown because he/she wants whatever crap it is they want that their parent isn't buying them.  

Years later and I'll go to a friend's house who asks me to take off my shoes because the kids eat off the floor and I'll step on a lego and tears will pop up so fast and I'll have to LITERALLY bite my lip to not scream an F-bomb at the pain.  

Years later I'll be on the phone with someone whose child is about to get cut for doing something or NOT doing something they were told to not do or do.  

I'll politely get off the phone while they handle that and go back to whatever it was I was doing.  I'll look around our home and be glad that, while it may currently be dusty...there aren't legos in the vicinity of my fluffy sock enclosed feet.  I'll fix a lovely meal that I know everyone will enjoy and Robby and I will get to eat it in peace along with a glass of wine and some cuddle time on the sofa while we watch television.

Our evenings are quiet.  We laugh a lot.  We read a lot.  We pretty much enjoy each other.

And the quiet.  We enjoy the quiet.

Now...here's where I'm going with this before your inner snark monster starts saying "She knows good and damn well she wishes she had a kid or six."  LOL!  Cuz you're totally right.

HOWEVER...it didn't happen.  It might not happen.  Should I dwell on it?  Should I allow the very real pain of it to hinder me from finding the silver lining?  The joy?  The things I'm grateful for...in the life we HAVE?

I don't think so.

I'm writing this for a friend.  They know who they are.  Life didn't give them what they thought they wanted more than anything and they have been wallowing in the ish for years now.  I didn't know them before they accepted their unhappy state of being but I'm assuming they were once happy...BEFORE the dream didn't come to life.  I'm not saying they are miserable but I am saying that they've allowed the disappointment to color every.single.thing they held dear.  They go to work and just do the minimal.  They withdrew from their family and friends.  They let that thing that didn't happen became the train wreck that DID happen.

They can't find the reason they should have to BE.

They don't know how to #ChooseHappy.

I'm not happy we didn't have babies but I'm happy with our life.  I'm happy I have him and he has me.  I'm happy we have Jaru.  I'm happy we have good people in our life who love us.  I'm happy for so much even though I wish we'd had babies.  Even though sometimes I see a toddler walking that toddler jerky walk and my heart skips a beat at what I don't have.  

Because I do have a lot to be thankful for.

Most of us won't get what we think we want.  That's okay.  We have to learn to live with that...just like the toddler who didn't get the $6 colorful piece of crap toy they fell out about in Target.  

They'll find something else to smile about soon.

P.S.  I love you.  :)

Odd

I ran into someone I hadn't seen in about 4 years the other day.  I knew her to be a mother of 4.  She's had two babies since then.  

We caught up and I walked away as I had to go somewhere and be "on."  

I'd already put on some mascara and was ready.  I was just pacing my steps when the ugliest thought popped up in my head.  

"Why does she get to have 6 and I couldn't get even 1?"

And hot crocodile tears started pouring.

I got home and Robby looked up at me and jumped up thinking something was wrong.  I told him and we just stood there.  Me trying to control my sobs and he at a loss.

I swear I've never been that person who bedgrudged someone else's blessings like that.  Sure, I've wondered how teen mothers without money get to be parents and not me but I've never felt that way about a regular mother. This ish was so odd to me.

I hope I don't get hit by a wave of some ish like that ever again.

It wasn't a good feeling then.

It's not a good feeling now.

Odd huh?  Why would I get like this NOW?

And so it begins...Night Sweats

 

 

I woke up last night sweating.  It's been happening before Midol Week and after ovulation for a few months now and, of course, I ask Mr. Google about it whenever it happens.

It's not a drenching sweat and I haven't had to get up and change or anything but yes...it's there, I'm hot and I kick the covers off and then I'm immediatly freezing.

I'm sure, at age 43, it's time for my body to start acting out and I have my annual appointment coming up so I'll make sure I ask all the appropriate questions.

Anybody else dealt with this yet?  Any advice?  What questions do I need to ask?  Other than the night sweats...I don't have any other symptoms but hey...night sweats are enough right?  I'm thinking so.

Gluten-Free Two Months In!

If you've been reading this blog you know I had a rough patch health wise for a minute until my doctors determined that it was the Gluten and wheat that was poisoning my body something rough.

So I had to go gluten free.  

When I was told I was skeptical and went into it side-eyeing the prognosis something fierce.  Then...a week in, I realized just how AWESOME I felt all over.  No more daily stomach pain, major source of energy, less dry skin, etc.

I started REALLY stepping it up and learning more about my options and...I'm happy to say that it's been much easier than I thought it would be and I feel SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better.

GO.ME!

And now I'm noticing other things that are really making me go HMMMMMMMMM...

Take Midol Week for example.  

SIP:  Male readers...you may be out now...

How to Roast Pumpkin Seeds - The Child-free Couple and the Holidays

The hardest thing about not having babies is probably the holidays.  Not just the major ones...but the small ones too.  At least...I know it is for me.  

For us.

See...I was raised in a home where we did all the cool holiday stuff.  ALL OF IT!  From stringing popcorn garlands to baking Santa's cookies to making eggnog, popping firecrackers, Easter Egg hunts, Halloween decorating, chocolates for Valentine's Day etc.  My family had a BLAST!

Our way.  Just us.

And so was The Robinator.

So yeah...that's the hardest part.

For me.

For us.

Sure the pain is eased a bit getting to share some of these things with the kids we love but not really you know?  Never really.  It's always right under the surface.  Always there able to steal the joy right out of the most perfect of days.  

I've been in the middle of wrapping a gift, looking at my perfect, perfect tree and it's hit me like a truck so bad that all I could do was stretch out on the floor right where I was and give in to it letting the pain wash over me and flow violently through my body only to be picked up from where I lay by my loving husband and carried to bed.  Spooning me until it was over.  

No words necessary cuz his pain is mine and that pain has us so connected that the only joy we can find from it is given by the other.

War wounds.

Today, I decided to roast pumpkin seeds the same as my mommy showed me how decades ago.  I figured the Godson would love to carve the pumpkin provided he have definitive instructions to make sure it wasn't something offensive.  LOL!  I put the pumpkin in the sink and washed it off well.  

Next up was to trim the stem to a height where I could put a bowl over top and trace a perfect circle to cut out the top.

Then...I cut out the top.

Remove the seeds.

Clean out pulp.

Melt two teaspoons of butter and toss seeds with the butter, Creole seasoning, garlic powder, and cayenne pepper.

Spead on a cookie sheet and bake at 300 degrees for 45 minutes and VOILA!  Roasted pumpkin seeds just like my mommy made for her babies.  For me.

I served ours on the deck with a gluten free beer for my guy and a glass of organic wine for me.

Our Godson will carve the pumpkin tomorrow.  His diabolical mind needs to grasp the concept of NON-OFFENSIVE in a way which will probably be BORDERLINE offensive if I know him.  LOL!  I will walk away shaking my head and his Unca Robby will DIE laughing.  

Ya just gotta love this life I live.  

Warts and all.

 

The Social Dragonfly

 

You wouldn't know it now, but not many years ago E used to be super shy.  Like...if he didn't know you he couldn't or wouldn't bring himself to talk to you.  He'd hang back and let you do what it do pretty much keeping his own counsel.  I wondered if he'd ever change since he had no problem talking his mother's or my head off about the most nonsensical minute of anything.

 

Sometimes I'd go pick him up from the afterschool program early just because it was a pretty day and I wanted him to get some fresh air instead of being inside somewhere.  When I'd get there...it would take forever for them to find E.  He'd be off to himself reading a book and  just staying out of folks' way.

"The Game" Abortions and Infertility

Melanie and Derwin's storyline on "The Game" is suggesting she can't have a baby because she previously terminated a pregnancy.

CAN WE SAY IRRESPONSIBLE WRITING??????

I wasn't going to say anything about it but morning I was watching "The Bernie Mac Show" (I MISS MR. MAC SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!) and a commercial came on for the next episode of "The Game."

Tasha Mack was in a conference room with Melanie and Derwin's agent.  Seems like they're big time beefing.

Tasha Mack said something like the following without, from the looks of it, needing stitches immediately after:

Tasha:  Won't you go home and cook your husband some chicken and make him a baby.  Oops...forgot you can't do either.

And Melanie didn't move.

There was no B'WHAT or a weave snatch and grab.

Ladies and gentlemen...remember this show is UNBELIEVABLE fiction.  That would NEVER go down like that no matter the venue.  If you were in CHURCH and said some ish like that to a woman dealing with infertility...it would go DOWN-T.

Now...that said...what do YOU think about the message the show is attempting to paint regarding infertility?

From My Inbox:

Monnie, thank you so much for "Man Child". Fertitily is something that people take for granted until it becomes an evident issue. I must admit that I was one of those folks who just assumed that I would settle into my career, find a fantastic man, get murr-rried and have babies. Then, in 2009, 3 months after my 24th birthday sans ropas started to be painful and my GYN made the dreaded fibroid diagnosis. He asked me what my plans for children were and I, like yourself, expressed that I wanted children with my HUSBAND. Because I was so young, he told me to watch and wait.

At that time, I met a good guy, panicked, and rushed along a relationship that never should have started in the first place. I was afraid that I had to beat a clock. In my head I had to get married QUICK, have the surgery QUICK, get preganant QUICK or I would be doomed. Thank God, that I woke up one day and realized how absolutely stupid my plan was. I switched to a GYN who I am much more comfortable with. She gave me my options and spelled everything out for me. We decided that Lupron, coupled with better nutrition (low estrogen/high iron foods) was the best decision for me. She also told me that I would, ultimately, have to have the fibroids (the size of an orange and a lemon) removed.

Even though I was floored, I knew that I had to make some changes. I left my boyfriend because, even though I loved him and he was supportive, we didn't have enough to build a relationship, let alone a marriage on. I got back in the gym, started eating better and put an end to the pity parties, although some days it still just gets too heavy.. .
So, at 26 I'm accepting the fact that I may not be able to ever have children.At times I'm OK with it and other times it hurts like hell. My biggest fear is that I will meet a wonderful guy but the thought of him possibly not being a father will scare him away.

Sorry for the novella, Monnie but I haven't even talked to my Mom about this. I knew, though, that you'd understand. Thanks for listening.

Man Child

I overheard a conversation with some men who were talking about a young man, age 23, who was REALLY into his girlfriend.

The men were all successful, responsible professionals.

The general consensus was to advise the 23 year old to not even THINK about getting married until he was 30.

They all damn near fell over each other dapping each other up over how smarty pantsy they were.

All three of the men were married.

All three of them were married to women who'd had fertility issues.

At the time...only one of the wives had been successful in having a baby after significant invasive fertility treatments.

SIDE.EYE.OF.DEATH!

War Wounds

There are new babies all around me and I still don't have one of my own.

I've made peace with it as it is but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt me to the core of every.single.thing I am that I haven't made my husband a father.

Days like today, when it's Midol Week, cold and raining...I feel it. 

Days like today when I have a Midol Week migraine...I feel it.

It's really crazy because even as I live with it daily...sometimes it hits me and knocks me down.

But I know myself and I know how to work through it.  My grieving process is my own and, fortunately, I have Robby and  he takes such amazing care of me.

I was talking to someone a minute ago and she shared something of herself that she was dealing with.  I listened and didn't have too, too much to say other than normal words of comfort.  I told her that with time she'd make it over to the other side of what she was dealing with but that it would never go away...it will just hurt less over time and, in that way, time was the healer and she needed to allow time the process.

She didn't really feel me because she'd heard it all before and see...the thing about hearing it all before is that you don't have time to discern who you're hearing it FROM.  You start thinking that folks got it out of a greeting card or from watching Oprah.

She didn't understand that no...really...I get it.

I received an email from her recently saying she'd found my blog and started reading it.  She said she read certain sections like a book and laughed and cried with me.  She said that she now knows that yeah...I UNDERSTAND.

She also said that reading certain things on the blog helped her in ways her therapist hasn't been able to connect her with yet because it's human and REAL.

My pain.

Your gain.

Today...I'm in pain.

Not physical pain...just that same old wound across my heart thudding.

I'm 42 years old and I'm doing all I can to do all I've ever wanted to do.  My story is my story and I share it because of people like her.  When we start realizing that there are more than just us out there hurting...you start healing by example.

I'm rambling so I'm not a good example right now.

But we all know I'll be better.

You feel me?

 

Kix is for Kids

So let's keep it really real here. 

ROSLYN HAD THE BABY!

SIX POUNDS

14 OUNCES

20.5  INCHES LONG!

HE'S PERFECTLY HEALTHY AND ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DREAMS COME TRUE!  CONGRATS!  CONGRATS!  CONGRATS!

Ovulation Pain, PMS Woes

Aiight...yall remember this from the other day right?  Right.

Can we talk about some old people ish right quick?????

FINALLY SHE SHARES!!!

Roslyn is pregnant!

Thank you God for answering my dear friend's prayers.

Amen.

Baby Makin'

I'm laughing over here because of another email I've received almost completely like 3 others in the past couple of months.

Because of the emails I'd like to ask you guys this question:

Would you be really surprised to find that Robby and I were much further along in the surrogate planning stage than I'd shared with anyone?  Like...do you think we could be to the point where our surrogate was several months along and we hadn't said a single thing to anyone?

Would you be shocked as hell to come over here one day and we were in the hospital holding our baby and thanking our surrogate?

From My Inbox:

Hi Monica!

Just wanted to share my update and get your opinion....

Once a Month...

 ...I'm devastated all over again. 

Someone recently apologized for some insensitive remarks they made about being with a woman who can't have children.  Because of the circumstances by which we were meeting...I didn't say a word and kept grinding out what we were there for. 

Turns out the person is dating a woman who "knows" me via this blog.  (Funny how that works out huh?)  The woman he is dating is a lovely woman who is in her mid-30s and is, understandably, concerned about her ability to conceive once she starts trying.

She took the things he said to heart apparently and had a talk with him.

The next time I saw him he was feeling some kinda way and pulled me to the side to apologize.  It just so happens it was on a day when my Midol week was starting up and it had taken all of me to get past that and on to what I was there to do.

I didn't say anything because I didn't trust myself to because, as you guys know, I can snap crazy with the best of them and I didn't want to damage the professional relationship.

So I gave him the stank eye and the boot mouth and kept it moving.

Maternity Leave

How much maternity leave did you get?

How much maternity leave did you take?

Did you have any issues regarding taking maternity leave?

Did anyone treat you differently?

How were things when you returned?

Scenario...

You have an intense job that you love.

You have an intense boss that you work well with.

You and your husband have been trying to start a family.

You find out you're pregnant and you're on top of the world.

You tell your boss after the first trimester and he slumps back in his chair, looks at his calendar and points out that this "issue" will have you out of the office during a particularly harrowing time for your industry.

What do you do?

What do you say?

Faye H. is gonna be a mommy!

Hi Monica,
 
I owe you the largest THANK YOU I can give.  I know your time is limited so I'll try to be brief. 

Shit.

"I was pregnant for a whole week"

1 + 1 = 2? OR 25 + 35 = Family?

I'm still not caught up with comments from yesterday as I was out and about all day.  I read enough to know, however, that there was some major difference of opinion going on over there lead by onefromphilly.  LOL!

*NOTE*  DO.NOT.MAKE.ONEFROMPHILLY.MAD.  You have NO idea what she is capable of.  LOL!

Did you know that women are born with all the eggs they are going to have in their life?

Did you know that fertility is GREATLY reduced after age 30?

Did you know that 1 in every 6 couples have fertility problems?

It could pretty much be taken as fact that one of the major issues contributing to there being so many fertility issues currently is that people are waiting to have children until much later in life. 

I've listened to men in my life tell OTHER men that they shouldn't even THINK about getting married until age 30.  So...if they don't start looking until 30 then...well...that's kinda where my brain started wandering after reading the guys' points of views yesterday.  Seems to me, as always, the weight of the world is on the woman based on her VERY REAL biological clock and men have a pass because they can always find them a nice, fertile, 20something to start a family with.

That said...should women ages 25 - 35 ONLY date men ages 35 - 45?  Seems that those are the ages when their biological clocks have synced up doesn't it?  Is dating a man your age or a few years difference wasting valuable time?

Are men and women TRULY years apart?

Life after infertility...

...has it's difficult moments but for the most part it's just like life after any other disease except we don't have side effects to contend with.  Hey...I had cancer and have a LOVELY 4 inch scar across a fake boob to remember it by daily so at least I don't have THAT again ya know?

But emotionally?

...yeah...it can be pretty damn bleak at times.

And yes...I know I'm blessed.  I know I live a charmed life.  I know my husband loves me as much as I love him and we are ridiculously happy.  I know we have loving and wonderful family, framily and friends.  I know that we have everything we need and most of what we want.  Our life is filled with children we love and adore.

I know.

We are blessed beyond reason.

That is all.

IT'S A NEW DAY!

My husband and I have a pretty good routine.  We chit chat in the morning while he gets ready for the office.  I have my coffee and breakfast and then I go to the gym.  Sometimes it's earlier than most times...sometimes it's not.

I do what I want.

I watch "Regis and Kelly" and then Martha and then I turn the television off and put on some music and get to writing.  I take breaks and go shopping or I shop online if I'm in the mood.  I play dress up.  I play with my cameras.  I load the dishwasher...I wash a few loads of clothes.  I do what needs to be done.

I talk to my friends.  I plan dinner.  I hang out with my Godson.

I do what I want.

Because I've had to.

Cuz I've been depressed.

As most of you who read this blog know...I suffer from infertility.  My husband and I can't have a baby because of the crap going on with my fibroid growing uterus.  We've tried everything and now...I'm finally tired of everything.  It was a MAJOR monkey on my back. 

See...I have never NOT been able to do anything I've ever wanted to do so yeah...not being able to have a baby was pretty difficult for me for a long, long time.  It hurt.  Really badly and it made me feel a tad bit inadequate.  I have the husband.  I have the means.  *sigh*

BUT...I never stopped recognizing my blessings.  My husband, my nephews, my family, my framily, my friends, my Godson, my SOLITUDE.  Which I truly need.  I TRULY need my solitude.

So we're back to the plan we've always kinda had.  Surrogacy.  We actually decided this two years ago but you know...I just had to keep trying until I couldn't try anymore.  Until I'd given up thinking that I could carry my own baby.

And finally, FINALLY...I've given up.

I tell myself it's for the best because we all know I'd have problems with gaining excess weight anyway.

I tell myself it's for the best because I probably couldn't eat more than I eat currently.

I tell myself it's for the best because I'm cool wth outsourcing anything I don't find pleasant.

But we all know the truth.  We all know I'd give anything to have a baby the natural way but I'm thankful for the option to have a baby with a surrogate one day.

If it's what we want to do.

I love my life and I love my husband.  I love the life he provides for us.  I love drinking wine, I love having downtime.  I love being relaxed by the time he gets home.  I love the options before me.  I love the leisurely pace by which I get to do whatever I want to do.

And I love to write.

I'm back at dream making folks.  BIG.TIME.  I just had to get that monkey off my back.  The green light has been handed down and I sooooooo wish I could share more with you guys but I can't.  Just know it's big and FABULOUS and wonderful and...

CLEARLY WHAT I'M MEANT TO DO.

Thank you for being there for us during the infertility treatments.  Seriously.  I know how difficult I was at times and I know how difficult it was for you guys to bite your tongue and not let me have it when I was pumped full of drugs and feeling some kinda way.  Truth be told  I always knew I was wasting money and time but I needed to finally get to that space where I could finally letitgo. 

I'm good now. 

I promise.

I think.

Sometimes I lie.

Safety Net

 

Got that photo off this site...dude is FABULOUS!  sketchblog

I allow my sense of security and my safety propel all of my decisions even when it means I cut myself off at the knees.  I'm working on that.

Am I the only one?

Are your fears, however valid, holding you back?

Don't let infertility RUIN.YOUR.LIFE! Fan Page on Facebook!

Are you a fan of "Don't let infertility RUIN.YOUR.LIFE?"

It's not just for those suffering from infertility you know. It's for those of you who support us too. It feels good when we have FRAMILY around.

Sometimes I'm just not in the mood...

...and then I feel bad.

From My Facebook Inbox:

*Sometimes I need something and I never know exactly what it is.  Then...I get something like this and I know it was EXACTLY what I needed:

While on a road trip with my husband Thursday, we began talking about our long journey with infertility & longer held hopes of being parents. My miscarriage almost took me off this planet because of my sadness. Adoption was supposed to be so easy, (wanting a baby with any amount of African American blood decreases wait time significantly), but we've had 2 Mothers decide to parent after we flew out to get the babies. We even named our son.

We were so sure our Christmas card this year would finally be with our child in our arms. So, my husband blurts out "You know how I buy an ornament just for you & I every year? I just haven't been able to do it. I keep thinking 'Come on man she's expecting it. She loves that.' I just can't do it because I had it all planned- it would say all of our names."

Now my husband ain't no softie. Hearing this hurt me to my core. I didn't let any tears well up because I wanted to let him talk. We stopped @ an antique shop I 'd found previously, had some coffee...

Feeling better, we jumped back in the car. He put on his ipod, read the newspaper, & I, at the wheel, starting thinking...

I thought about you and your Dec 7 post about not feeling Christmassy this year & that yes indeed, you again find yourself broken. I thought about how much I love my husband & how much he loves me, but there are few comforting words. I tried to figure out what made me get up out of bed when all I wanted to do was just be out of pain & I realized that it is simply because life goes on, as you said, that I had to get up. It's not like I would lay there & find any joy or be released from pain. The choices are lay there and hurt or get up & hurt but at least have something to maybe smile at for a little while.

I look at your beautiful loving face today holding Princess Nina Gabrielle and smiling. No one would know the hole in your heart. I know Monica. I wanted you to know I've never stopped hoping for you. Praying for you. I still BELIEVE for you. I sometimes imagine the joy, the CELEBRATION when your belly is finally all swollen, & it can bring me to tears. I do not know what will or won't be. There are NO WORDS that change or make it any better. Still, you are a beautiful soul & I'm grateful that you are a part of my journey, wherever it leads.

Blessings

Christmas just ain't Christmas...

I'm not in the Christmas mood yet for some strange reason.  I'm actually contemplating not even putting up a tree this year.  I put a bit of Christmas in every room anyway so it's festive...I'm just not in the Christmasy mood.

Apparently my saying this has caused some alarm in my  world and folks are really worried that something is wrong with me.  The gasps have been audible and the silence palatial when I mention that I might not put up a tree.  *sigh*

I usually give a Christmas party every year...but I'm not in the mood for that either.  I'm thinking of just having a nice lunch out and about with my friends and framily in the area before they all leave for the holiday.

I'm just not feeling it.  Truly.

I've been doing a bit here and there in the house and I have a color scheme and ornaments and everything but...hey...I don't know...I'm just not there yet.

Usually I've decorated the outside by now and every room in the house to include bathrooms. 

Usually.

I don't know man...something's up with me. 

Here's what I've done so far.  Not much.  I'll just build on it.  I'm traveling this weekend to be with family so maybe by the time I return I'll be in a better mood.  Maybe not however...since I'll be with babies I love and yet...still don't have.

What?  Yall thought I wasn't broken this time?  Oh...I am.  I've just had more stuff to concentrate on that I haven't focused on me all that much.  Oh well.  Life sucks sometimes and yet...still goes on.

I'm a survivor.  I'll be just fine.

I know this.

Pics after the click...

Dating Befuddlement

I've done a lot of thinking on the state of dating in the past couple of days based on some emails I received and read over the holiday weekend.  I know my philosophy of dating and I know how well it worked for me.  I also know the dating philosophy of most of my girls and I know that there is a lot that women like my girls and I don't take into consideration that my MALE friends do.

I automatically know that men are going to approach me.  I know this because of the consisitency of it in my life.  Sometimes it's so predictable it's hilarious but I'm used it so it's not even conversational fodder anymore.

I never think of how this would be if I were NOT me.  NOT uber confident.  NOT outgoing.  NOT personable.  And yall...there are a lot of women for whom this is a problem. They don't walk with their heads high.  They don't have anything about their initial appearance that says..."Hi."  They just walk though life not being noticed by anyone other than someone looking for someone with obvious low self esteem so they may shat on them.

I'm trying to work through in my head what I'm trying to say and it hasn't come to me yet.  I do know that for the women I have been pondering...waiting and not being more aggressive isn't working for them and I'm trying to figure out what could so I'm pouring through my archives looking for stuff to create conversation regarding and yet...as always...only the MOST confident are commenting.  LOL!  And yall don't need no dang dating advice hell.  ROFL!

Help me figure out what I'm trying to say.  I found out I'm not pregnant on Sunday and that is all up in my head befuddling my words and I can't get em out right.  I'm sure it's only temporary but I didn't want the women in question to wait on me to get my shit together before I addressed their queries. 

Frozen Embryos, Friends, Fun and SAM FINE! It's Sunday People!

 

 

 


Gosh!  I can't remember when I've had a more FABULOUS weekend!  I had fun, fun, fun and more fun!

And to think...it all started on a low note on Friday.

*sigh*

Friday morning at 7:00 am, I had my frozen embryo transfer during a natural cycle.  Hey...it's the only thing I HADN'T tried yall so I had to.  Well...we had two perfect embryos on ice and they started the thawing process on Thursday. 

Only one survived.  (I swear fo goodness if one of yall say some ish about it only takes one Imma scream for 10 minutes.)

N E WAY...

Yall girl was feeling bad.  Like...waaaaaaaaaaaay down low.  But...I shook it up and off because my friends were coming to town and I was looking forward to seeing them.

I cooked some Shrimp and Grits and baked a Southern Comfort cake, bought the ingredients for Dirty Martinis and lots o' lots of cheese.  Why LOTS of cheese?  Ask Ted.  Ted knows.  ROFL!

Ted, Sissy, 1969, Shelly, C, ST, Robby and I laughed so hard Friday night that it's just ridiculous!  LOL!  Good food and good friends make it hard to stay down ya know? 

Yeah...you know.

So yup...my weekend started off hurting my heart dearly.  One lovely embryo was transfered to my jacked up azz uterus and we're hoping, wishing and praying for a miracle.  I was sad waaaaaaay down deep and then my friends made me happy.  That's what friends are for ya know?  To be there for you when you need them the most and the good Lord Himself knows I needed me some them on Friday.

On Saturday I shopped with my Shelly Bean and ST and then we went to the Nintendo Wii Fit Plus party and had an absolute BLAST!  Today, Shelly Bean, kisz4tj and I got up early and ate the breakfast The Robinator cooked for us and headed out to see Mr. Sam Fine.  Yes, yes, yes...I have some FABULOUS pics and video from both events to work on and am doing that before I go to bed.  Tomorrow is my "off" day so I'm going to take it easy except for doing a bit more of shopping for Turkey Day. 

That embryo shit almost broke me man.  Sometimes I truly don't know how it is that I go on and then I look in his eyes and he folds me in his arms and kisses me and I know.

I'm meant for this journey for a reason. 

I hope it's a good one.

How was YOUR weekend?

"Sometimes" all you need is a little Anita Baker

Anita TALKS to you through music playa!  LISTEN! 

Sometimes - Anita Baker

Holiday Randoms from My Flip!

Hmmmmmm...

What do you think of a surrogate who got paid to carry a couple's embryo and wanted to be considered part of their "family" when the baby arrived.

Ice Cubes

I woke up this morning feeling kinda blah.  I washed my hair and put it in a ponytail to air dry and got dressed for the gym.  I hardly ever go that early in the morning...but I was up and needed to keep busy as my mind was racing.

When I finally looked down at my ensemble I was horrified that I had on lilac sweatpants, an aqua blue tank and a lime green fleece. 

Lite brite.

Fertility Report

Two eggs fertilized.

They were frozen.

That is all.

Selective Reduction

You're dealing with infertility.

You have 5 embryos.

You haven't had any success and decide to try to put all 5 in.

Four take. 

You're pregnant with 4 babies.

Would YOU consider reducing the number?

From Tanyetta:

Free OPKs and Pregnancy Tests

Things they don't tell you about IVF

 
There are a few things about IVF that you learn the hard way because it doesn't seem that folks remember to tell you about them before they happen.

Imma list a few of them here.

Interesting...

A couple is married in the United States of America.

One half of the couple is Black.

One half of the couple is White.

They want to adopt a baby.

A beloved family member tells them that they should adopt a mixed race or Black baby ONLY because it would be odd in this world for them to raise a White baby.

What say you?

The kindness of strangers...

ST rode with me to the city this morning so I could LEGALLY take advantage of the HOV lane.  Hey...if I'm running late for a doc's appointment I have been known to ride dirty.  I'll just pay the ticket...seriously.

I drop ST off to the Metro stop near my doc's office and then looked for parking.  Since it was 8:00 am...there was a lot of street parking and I found a meter and parked immediately across the street from doc's office.

Then I looked in my coin thingy in my truck and I remembered the following conversation:

E:  T-MONNIE...THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IS HERE!  THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IS HERE!

Me:  Check my truck for cash...AND LOCK THE DOOR BACK!

So yeah...I only had like ninety five cents for the meter which bought me about 28 good minutes.  *sigh*

This guy was at the meter and he had a roll of quarters.

Me:  Hey.  Gimme fifty cents.

And he started laughing and gave me fifty cents.  (Got me another 14 minutes) 

Me:  I'm sorry but I'm from the country...I have no shame.

Him:  I'm from the country too.  Where you from?

Me:  Louisiana.  You?

Him:  Georgia and I hate to pay for parking but I have to cuz my wife's at the doctor.

And I noticed he was headed where I was headed. 

Me:  You going to Columbia?

Him:  Yeah...you?

Me:  Yeah.

And we walked in together and I saw his wife and said:

Me:  Hey!  Your husband loaned me fifty cents!  LOL! 

And I shook her hand and introduced myself.  Althea...(the chick behind the desk) knows me well so she just shook her head and laughed as I walked up to sign in.  When I turned back to find a seat not far from the couple the wife said:

Wifey:  Monica...I read your blog!  That's how I found out about Dr. Sacks!  You need some more money?  Honey...give her some more money!

And he gave me more money so I could put in the meter and not get a ticket.  LOLOLOLOLOLOL!  We chatted briefly because they called her back for her transfer but I hugged her tight and said a prayer for them as they headed back.  Then...I smiled too hard at the irony and was reminded that I had a 4 day migraine.

Yeah...you read right...FOUR.DAY.MIGRAINE.

That is all.

Cool huh?  The couple...NOT the migraine!

What would YOU say?

You're minding your business taking pics and see a woman with a cute baby. 

You stop and coo-coo at the baby. 

The woman is really nice and sweet and yall start talking about the baby's SUPER cute outfit. 

The woman asks if you have any kids and you tell her not yet because you're dealing with infertility.

Yall go on to discuss someone she knows who was infertile too, yada, yada, yada.

And then she says...

I needed to find my smile today...

When I went to the doctor on Monday I got the sentence from HELL.  An additional week of Lupron because my body wasn't suppressed yet.

ANOTHER.

WEEK.

So yeah...it's been pretty rough on me.

I was sitting here today listening to Lucy snore and decided to go find something to make me smile and since I'll start decorating for Halloween tomorrow...I figured I'd go check out a few things!

FINALLY...someone made a cupcake stand I can live with!  I haven't ever seen one that was this nice and sturdy and it only costs $19.99!!!!!!!  GO ME!  Cupcake Stand

A haunted wine stopper!  ME LIKEY!  ME LIKEY!!!!!

The colors just make me sooooooooooooo happy!  Yes...I saw these and SMILED!

Now THESE are cool candles!  LOL! 

I don't wanna see a grown man dressed as a chicken.

And I DAMN sure don't wanna see a grown man dressed up like a banana either.  LOL!  WHO COMES UP WITH THIS STUFF?  (I'm thinking we should get the chicken one for oneblackman.  ROFL!)

How has YOUR day been on a scale from 1 - 10?

From SIP:

When I called Robby this morning on my way back from the doctor...he made the decision to stay home with me and work from home.  He was very sweet and attentive all day.

But yall know I'm evil right?

Right.

I thought I'd feel better after going to the gym...but I didn't.

I was just in the most ridiculously foul of moods.

And I still am.

Ugh.  I can't shake this.

Doc says I can't start stims tonight.  Maybe later this week.

Just fucking great.

A-Cyst Me

So...I had a sonogram and bloodwork this morning.  Dr. Sacks came in on Yom Kippur even.  (That dude ROCKS!)

He found a cyst on my left ovary and is concerned that it might make me me have to scrap this cycle and start over.

He's checking my hormone levels and will let me know later today what's what.

Crap.

Have you ever had cysts in or on your ovaries?  What did your doc suggest for it/them?

Me, myself and I personally...

Feeling Some Kinda Way

Ugh...my stomach hurts and I can't keep anything in.

My left ovary is painful.

I'm cold one minute but hot the next.

I'm dressed for the gym but me thinks I'm about to put on some lounging pajamas and call it a day.

Me no feel good.

Me want me mommy.

How are YOU feeling today?

My husband...

...is sleeping right now on the other end of the sofa so he doesn't know that I'm over here being teary eyed.  If he knew...he'd be upset.

I appreciate him so much.  He works so hard to make sure we have a good life and he supports everything I do.  AND...he makes it possible for us to do IVFs.

I'm feeling kinda weird tonight and yeah...it's the bitch juice.

Suddenly...I feel unworthy.

*sigh*

Let's get PHYSICAL!!!!!

I almost crapped my pants this morning when I thought I heard my doctor tell me I was 5 pounds underweight. I was like...AAAAARRRRRRRUUUUUU??????  He quickly clarified that I was 5 pounds away from BEING underweight and told me to make sure I don't lose any weight.  I told him that I eat more than I ever have since I started upping my cardio workout. 

He had no answers for me...just told me not to lose weight. 

Humph.

Robby got out of the colon check because he's not 40 until November.  Dude was grinning ear-to-ear about that.  ROFL!  He is sooooo funny to me!

We left the doc and went down the street to have our blood drawn and the woman taking my blood complimented me on my wedding jewelry and asked how long I'd been married.  I told her and then she asked how many kids we had.  I told her. 

Blood Taker:  Girl...you'd better give that man some kids.  A little girl that looks just like you would melt his heart.

I shut down and said nothing else to her.  I know she meant well in that "way" folks do...but I'm on drugs and not in the mood for all that.  At breakfast I told Robby and the damn hormones I'm taking made me cry as I was telling him.  He started chewing the inside of his jaw and grinding his teeth together in that way he does when he's gauging his reaction to something and trying to remain calm.

Robby:  She didn't know. 

Me:  I know.

And he held my hand.

I know Robby so I know had he heard her say that to me she would have been blasted and if I hadn't heard it all before because I was new to the infertility journey...I might have as well.

But he didn't...

...and I'm not.

It is what it is even if what it is is pretty fugged up.

But hey...we're super healthy!  Go us.  We can live a long, child-free existence if need be.

Yup.

We healthy.

*sigh*

Scenario...

A couple has decided they want to have a baby.

The woman starts looking for a surrogate.

She finds one.

She goes to a fertility specialist to get the woman pregnant with the embryo created from she and her husband.

The fertility specialist refuses because the woman can have babies...she just doesn't want to mess up her body and would rather pay someone to carry her baby for her.

What say you?